clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Twas The Night Before Christmas

Wild Card Series - San Diego Padres v New York Mets - Game Three
Photo by Sarah Stier/Getty Images

and all through the blog
not a creature was stirring
(except for the frog)

As the Yanks got their Judge back
Rodon shaved his face
While the Mets signed great players
the A’s added Jace

The spree was Aledmys
and then Trevor May
Now perhaps Drew Rucinski
will help save the day

On Fisher! On Kaval!
On Forst! (The new Beane)
Has ever such lame
parsimony been seen?

A haul for Sean Murphy!
We’ve nothing to worry!
Unless all our hopes are
some guy named Esteury

But Muller! And Sears!
Waldichuk and Kaprielian!
And an offense so bad
it’s downright Machiavellian

But perhaps Oakland’s fortunes
reversed by the Gelof
A young stud emerging
to offset the selloff

On Soderstrom! On Diaz!
(The one who can hit)
Perhaps soon this poor offense
won’t just look like sh— crap

Oh let Butler and Clarke
be those two stars on deck
we were once thinking might be
Lazaro and Beck

And remember there’s talent
in Pache and Smith
for whom competent hitting
is so far a myth

But there’s little Nick Allen
a shortstop gold glover!
If only around, say,
.250 he’d hover

No shifting! Seth Brown
could hit .294!
If they’d just ban the changeup
he’d hit even more

On Dany! Domingo!
On Jackson and Moll!
At the hands of our
journeyman bullpen you’ll stall

Cole Irvin! Our ace!
You’ll get tired of winning!
(Assuming he doesn’t
get shelled the 1st inning)

And Blackburn! Our All-Star
if owies don’t linger
How bad can it be
if it’s just one damn finger?

The same one I use
to salute the draft lottery
We so need a ballpark
that’s more “by the water”-y

Don’t worry! It’s happening!
The project’s alive!
With a ballpark to open in

Don’t fret about now, though
we still have a dowry
that might let us sign
the fresh corpse of Jed Lowrie

But hey, they’re the A’s
and we’ll love them no matter
We bleed green and gold
and we’re mad as a hatter

Plus remember off-seasons
can always be worse
But enough about Carlos Correa
(Too terse?)

So let’s wait for spring training
then pray for a miracle
And remember bad baseball
is still downright lyrical

Go A’s! Now go try
not to miss your next flight
Or stay home with your loved ones —
and to all a good night

Disclaimer: All the characters in this poem are fictional. Any resemblance between John Fisher and a steaming pile of dung is purely coincidental

Merry Chriskwanzukah everybody! And Pedro Feliz Navidad to all!