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Desperate Times Call For Desperate Promotions

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MLB: Texas Rangers at Oakland Athletics
“See how I pick up after myself?”
Kenny Karst-USA TODAY Sports

I hope you weren’t looking for one of those "Year In Review" late December specials, or even worse a "New Year’s Resolutions" extravaganza, because I hate both equally. You want? Fine, here you go:

2016 Year in Review: It sucked. And the A’s weren’t very good either.

New Year’s Resolution: I did finally come up with a New Year’s resolution I can keep. My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s resolution. If I keep it, that means I kept it! If I break it, that means I kept it! Now I just have to figure out how to get a seal, an aardvark, and a gorilla from one island to the other island given that the seal is afraid of the gorilla unless the aardvark is there, the aardvark can only cross the river on the seal’s back, the gorilla.........

I will say that I actually do enjoy New Year’s Eve, when I can sit in front of Josh Hamilton and watch the ball drop.

So Dave Kaval wants our thoughts, eh? That’s great but really who has time to go to the Coliseum on a Tuesday? Don’t worry, Dave: I have your terrific ideas right here.

  • "Jharel Cotton Ball Night" All fans are given free cotton balls to put in their ears so they don’t have to hear Kara as she says, "We tried to make the question pitifully easy to make sure you’d win but somehow you still managed to get it wrong...So how about we just give you the prize anyway so that my segments have no credibility whatsoever?"
  • "Ballpark Frankies" Every time Frankie Montas starts, the first 5,000 fans receive a hot dog bun and an anatomically correct Erick Aybar bobble head doll.
  • "F.A.S.T. Day" Not a day of fasting, this is in fact an awareness day to the signs of a stroke. Fans are shown video of Jed Lowrie diving for a ground ball that is already being lobbed back to the infield in order to study what the key warning signs look like. Kara then quizzes fans to learn that as far as we can remember, "F.A.S.T." stands for "flamenco/appendix/sandwich/thyme" to which Kara gushes praise that "thyme" happens to be a correct homonym for "time" and decides that this means each participant should win a prize.
  • "Laz Diaz Day" To celebrate Laz Diaz’ suitability to the job of umpiring, the national anthem consists of a blind conductor leading a deaf choir, and the first pitch is thrown out by Steven Hawking. As fans grow increasingly restless waiting for Hawking to deliver the pitch, any disruptions are mediated by Milton Bradley.
  • "Dick Callahan Revenge Day" During the third inning, a sweet 7-year girl is selected to be the honorary P.A. announcer for the inning, and Callahan hands the girl a card that asks her to read that "Marc Rzepcynski has just been called in to pitch to Mike Szczur." Fans can win prizes for guessing how long the girl cries after Callahan takes the microphone to bellow, "Oh come on, it’s obviously pronounced ‘Caesar’ you idiot!"
  • "Root Beer Float Day" As usual, root beer floats are served to promote (or is it to combat?) juvenile diabetes, but then just in case the irony is not sufficiently clear the next day is dedicated to Parkinson’s Awareness with the first 10,000 fans receiving a commemorative bobble head doll.

I know what you’re thinking, Dave, so I’ll just tell you right now: Yes, I am available for a large consulting fee and I am absolutely available for parties.

Note: Coming up in the new year, a post with some serious promotional ideas that won't literally knock your socks off but might figuratively do just that...