Speaking of affairs, when my great aunt Gertrude was lying on her deathbed she wanted to get her affairs in order but she couldn't remember whether she cheated on the mailman with the cable guy or the other way around. I will, in fact, be here all week.
Runs may be at a premium tomorrow as the stars, and even the clouds, appear to be aligning thusly. Why should we expect a low scoring game? Let's start with the fact that the A's don't only lose the season premier with striking regularity, lately they have done it in true Easter fashion: by putting up goose eggs.
Oakland's scoreless streak on Opening Night currently stands at 19 innings, some of which can be attributed to the "Felix Hernandez factor," but not all. Various relievers and Justin Masterson have played roles in the A's recent failings, as has Daric Barton's inexplicable inability to score from second base on a booming double off the center field wall.
Helping to suppress offense is a worthy Opening Night starter in Sonny Gray who, along with Luke Gregerson and Sean Doolittle, matched zeros with Masterson last year for 8 innings until Jim Johnson demonstrated that you're bad enough you can even give up runs in an A's season opener.
The A's lineup is another contributing factor to the likelihood of a low-scoring game. Oakland's lineup this week against RHPs figures to feature the trifecta of Billy Burns, Sam Fuld, and Eric Sogard. Fun! The defense, however, should be excellent -- helping to suppress runs on the other side.
And now here's the crowning blow: the weather forecast. A's fans know that the Coliseum is actually a pretty good hitting environment in the day time, in the summer. It's the marine layer that knocks down drives hit at night, balls sent into heavy air when the east bay is doused with rain or caked in fog.
It's raining today with a slight chance of rain Monday and possible thunderstorms Tuesday. It sounds like the air will be heavy, the marine layer thick, which means Billy Butler's drives will look like they were hit by Billy Burns and Billy Burns' drives will look like they were hit by Montgomery Burns.
Really the only factor working in favor of some runs on Monday night is Yovani Gallardo, who has about as much business starting on Opening Night as Carlos Reyes did. Or as Josh Collmenter does. Yet put even Gallardo up against a slappy lineup, on a cool, damp night in Oakland, on a day the A's haven't scored for three years, and you wonder ... will this be the year that somehow Ike Davis manages not to score from third base on a double?
So the final score tomorrow night will probably be 11-9, because baseball.