Spring Game #25: A's at Brewers

Rick Scuteri-USA TODAY Sports

Editor's Note: This game will be on MLB Network as soon as the Mets/Yankees game ends.

*Cracks first beer*

The A’s take on the Brew crew today from Arizona. These games don’t matter so let’s save the in-depth analysis until we get to the 162 games that do. This team is starting to take shape. The A’s are already a little banged up and taking it slow with some guys which is understandable. We are starting to get an idea of what the rotation will look like but with the A’s you never know. Could they send the two-pitch, chair puncher to the minors to get another year of control? Maybe? That would slot Jesse Chavez into the 5th spot into the rotation which would open up a long relief role in the pen. Ryan Cook was sent to minor league camp yesterday. This should open a spot in a crowded bullpen. Could this make a hole for Venditte, RJ Alvarez or Barry Zito in long relief role if he is open to that? We will soon see.

With the A’s taking on the Brewers today I would like to talk about the best thing about the brewers and Milwaukee for that matter. I love beer. Is there anything more American than Baseball and beer? Democracy? No way. Give me a tall, ice cold beer and a baseball game just like our forefathers intended. *Cracks second beer for inspiration* Let’s look at some of the players on these two squads and how they relate to some of my favorite and least favorite beers.

Sonny Gray = Coors Light: One of my favorite beers. Is there any more perfect beer for a warm summer day-game than an ice cold Coors Light? This beer is light, cold, refreshing, and smooth. It even has magic mountains on the cans to tell you when it is cold. It is perfect for an afternoon BBQ, a tailgate outside the coliseum, beer pong, wizard staff, flip cup or in the bleachers with the hot afternoon sun blazing down on you. You can pound ‘em or you can savor them. The comparisons between Sonny and Coors light are numerous. He is light in stature. Not the most intimidating individual but man is he cool. In the tightest of situations he rises to the occasion. He can wiggle out of any jam. His attitude and personality are refreshing and smooth. Gray goes today for the green and gold.

Carlos Gomez = Tecate: Tecate is a good beer. Carlos Gomez is a good player. Solid defender. Great offensively, but let’s face it, just like dealing with Carlos’ antics on and off the field, drinking Tecate will make your head hurt tomorrow.

Sean Doolittle = PBR: Hard to not make the comparison between hipsters’ love for beards and their love of PBR. I don’t get either. Beards are not pleasant. They get in the way. They get caught on everything. They itch and when they grow out they require constant attention. For some reason hipsters love PBR too. This stuff is only palatable when it is ice cold. When this beer gets 3 degrees over freezing it tastes like a skunks ass. Buy hey it is cheap as hell so I guess I get it. All that being said, Sean Doolittle is the man. If he lost his beard now I probably wouldn’t recognize him.

Eric O’Flaherty = Black and Tan: Guinness is wayyyyyyy too easy for Eric, right? Harp is better. Eric came off of Tommy John surgery last season. So why not an Irish beer cocktail?

Marcus Semien = Lagunitas: Gotta give the local boy some love with a great California beer. Lagunitas is known for their IPA. It is so hoppy it is like drinking a cotton ball. A delicious cotton ball. If Marcus can fill in as the A’s everyday shortstop it will answer a huge question for the A’s this year.

Billy Butler = Bud: Billy Butler’s nickname is "Country Breakfast". I love country breakfast...the food. I don’t know about the nickname. It may have that "It’s so bad quality" that it works. I am definitely not the biggest fan of Billy Butler. I have to see it on the field. I need to see the Billy Butler from ’09-‘12 but hey if he can recapture his offensive production from earlier in his career he will be a huge help to this baseball team. One of the biggest holes last year offensively was right handed power. The A’s right handed lineup last year after trading Cespedes (*gasp*) and losing Gentry was borderline embarrassing. I take that back it was embarrassing. If I had to imagine what beer Billy Butler consumes I would have to think it is ice cold Bud right? A big ‘ol country boy from Florida. Come on. It’s Bud. I think Budweiser is a country breakfast where he is from.

Josh Reddick = Bud Light: How many bud lights did we see him pour all over his teammates, coaches, Fosse and Kuiper, and himself over the last few years. He is the perfect mixture of bad ass and trashy just like Bud Light.

Aramis Ramirez = Hams: Ramirez is expected to retire after this season. He is 37 and debuted with the Pirates in ‘98. Ham is an old man beer. Ramirez is old.

Pat Venditte = Summer Shandy: Will Venditte be just a gimmick like Summer Shandy or will he stick?

Matt Garza = Milwaukee’s Best: Arguable but he played for my Fresno State Bulldogs so I am going with it.

Craig Gentry = Miller Lite: The guy can fly. Did you know Miller Lite cans have a punch hole on the top which by some feat of physics cause the beer to fly out unimpeded? Miller knows about physics. We call it the speed hole and it is amazing. Coors’ vented hole…psh. Trash. Miller Lite flies out of those cans. That’s the only good thing about Miller Lite. That means less time to taste it. It is Craig Gentry has many other upsides but none better than his speed. He is the A’s "speed hole".

Brett Lawrie = Molson’s Canadian: They call it Premium Lager. Well he better be if they plan for him to replace the huge hole that Billy Beane created at third. Hopefully he can stay on the field now that he is off the Canadian carpet. Our awkward stepchildren to the north can make pretty good beer too. Brett Lawrie. Canadian. Molson's.

Scott Kazmir = Coors Original: The Banquet beer is making a comeback. Has anyone made a better comeback than Scott Kazmir of recent? The guy was practically out of baseball and on the scrapheap. Coors Banquet is coming back to the forefront of the most popular American lagers.

Jesse Chavez = Corona: One of my favorite beers. I love it. It is so refreshing. I love it in hot weather. In summertime it is awesome. Just like Jesse Chavez last year after putting a lot of starter miles on that arm, when it starts to cool off in the fall, it is time to leave Corona in the beer aisle.

Coco Crisp = Any Seasonal Beer: When Coco is on the field he is the man. There is nobody that drives this team offensively and defensively than Coco. This team goes as Coco goes. He is a lightning rod at the top of the lineup. Just like when a seasonal is not on the shelf, when Coco is injured he is useless. It hurts when he is not in the lineup. *Cracks beer and pours one out for the homies* Here’s to an injury and/or pinkeye free season for Coco.

Drifter Pale Ale = Ryan Braun: I could go Miller High Life here but I will refrain. Drifter Pale Ale is my all time favorite beer. It is the perfect blend of light refreshing citrusy taste with the hoppy bitterness of a Pale Ale. It was a Pale Ale that you could still drink in the dog days of summer. My buddies and I fell in love with this beer. I bought it every time I found it at the store. It was the best. My undying love for this beer is certainly not the reason I am comparing it to Ryan Braun because let’s face it, screw him. He is a cheater. He is a multiple time offender and user of PED’s. He crapped on the game. The reason I am making this comparison is that as soon as we all fell in love with Drifter it was discontinued. It was pulled from the shelves never to be seen again. WHY!?!? So depressing. Back to Braun. He will cheat again. He will get off to a hot start and Brewers fans will love it but there will always be that question. Is it legitimate? He will get suspended again. He will get pulled from the shelf and put back in the archives just like Drifter. Unlike Drifter that is where he should stay.

On a side note the Milwaukee Brewers have announced two new food items on their menu at Miller Park. The "Down Wisconsin Avenue" Brat. This thing has what looks to be a 12" brat on a bun with fries, cheese curds, sauerkraut and it is covered in nacho cheese, fried jalapenos, sour cream and chives. Uh wow. That sounds so ridiculous and it is probably amazing. Another item recently announced was the "Inside the Park" Nachos. I was literally saying this last weekend that I wish they made Nachos on a stick. Well they did. It is taco meat crusted with Doritos and I am assuming fried. And what would any good inside out nachos be without nacho cheese and sour cream? Do they have the head chef from Taco Bell working at Miller Park?

Baseball and beer. You gotta love it. *cracks last beer* Here’s to you Oakland.