clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Billy Beane doesn't care about drought, playoffs or otherwise

New, comments

I trust that no one will overreact to this satire.

GUILTY
GUILTY
Junko Kimura/Getty Images

(Note from Jeremy F. Koo: Jack Caliente is a friend of mine with only the hottest takes. This is satire. (Probably.))

As I sat here watching Game 5 of the NLDS and wonder what might have been had the A's kept Yoenis Cespedes, won the Wild Card game and gone on to greatness my buddy sent me this article. That's right, Beane was only behind a Chevron exec and some other guy (probably Lew Wolff's ninth house) as the biggest water waster in the East Bay.

Wait, I've got it! He must have used all that water to put out last season's fire sale. I mean, how else does one guy use damn near 6,000 gallons a day? After watching the 2015 A's it makes a lot more sense. All I've gotta say is that for a guy who's that tight with a buck and is all about sabermetrical efficiencies he could spend a little time on his water efficiency.

Or maybe he's using all that water to regrow the farm. In the meantime I'm thirsty for some WINS. How about the front office focuses up and makes it happen? Maybe he lets his lawn go brown and uses that  leftover green to get a free agent or two. He spends his time landscaping at home but when he shows up to work he's all about LOSE-scaping. Think about it.

I might be going a little too hard on him. This could be all part of his big plan to move to San Jose. If there's no water left in the East Bay MLB will have to approve the move. But I think that might make the more likely scenario that would allow an A's move less possible. That would be Hell freezing over of course. Can't make ice without water. That's science folks.

Speaking of science, maybe if the A's went back to focusing on baseball instead of MATH we could get back on top of the AL West. Get rid of WAR. The only stats that matter are average, RBIs and sweet, sweet dingers.

Something's gotta give Athletics Nation. Something's gotta give.