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Reasons to hate every MLB team

Haters gonna hate. But we have reasons.

Not sure if there's anything I hate more than this combo
Not sure if there's anything I hate more than this combo
Jeff Gross

With the weak, pathetic nose dive of the A's season (hopefully reversed, fingers crossed), I found myself getting more and more bitter. The longer I watch baseball, the more I find that I hate almost every team besides the A's. Of course, if the A's end up losing their way out of the postseason, I will hate them most of all.

However, with 162 games a year and the advent of interleague play, there's plenty of opportunities to build a healthy distaste for every squad, not just your own! But even us grumbling curmudgeons like to know that our hate is rooted in something. Something I tell you!

Of course, when you hate all other teams, you're always going to be stuck knowing that two teams that you hate are playing each other. That's why you need those reasons I was talking about. Some are more egregious than others. Also, the standings help. The hate can be set aside to make sure that you are rooting for the appropriate outcome for the one team you don't hate (and perhaps actually like). Sometimes grudging respect sneaks through the hate and makes that decision for you too. Now you may not hate every other team, which is fine. However, in case you were in the market for hating everyone and everything, this guide might be useful for you. You might not even know you hate a team yet; I just want to help. I've come up with some loose categories and order, but there's plenty of overlap. You'll get the hang of it. Now just relax and...

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Excellent. Let's begin.

The Obvious

As an A's fan, these are the obvious teams to hate. You may not hate them, but even if you don't you probably understand why most A's fans do. The low-hanging fruit if you will.

  1. Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim): The annoyingly-named ketchup looking team from the south is the antithesis of the A's in every way. Nor-cal vs. Socal. Orange county suburbanites vs. gritty Oaklanders. Attempting to buy their way to a title vs. trying to compete on a shoestring budget. Fans that you have to strain to hear vs. loud, chanting, drumming crazies. And we always seem to be battling with them for the postseason. If the season ended today, the A's would host a play-in game and, if they won, would head to Anaheim for the ALDS. A playoff series would take this rivalry to the next level. Also I just realized they are running their massive outfield fountain at full blast during one of the worst droughts in California history. How completely utterly Anaheim of them. You can read this for more fodder, if you are so inclined: http://www.athleticsnation.com/2014/6/3/5774256/oh-how-i-love-beating-the-angels
  2. New York Yankees: I don't need to give you a reason to hate the Yankees, between ignominious postseason exits at their hands and anger at watching them buy their team every year and win title after title. I hate them more than the next team but your degree of hate may vary. These last few years without the moneybags in the playoffs have been great. Bonus points this year as both them and their wretched rival Red Sox will be on the outside looking in this October.
  3. San Francisco Giants: The Giants are actively working to destroy the A's and kick them out of the Bay Area once and for all. Aside from the leftover die-hards from the Candlestick days, their fans are a bunch of idiots who know nothing about baseball and when they actually talk you realize they know very little about anything else besides perhaps app development. They are there for their nice views and $16 crab sandwiches. Also the team keeps trumpeting a fake sellout streak. I could go on, but this anecdote says it all. The other day I was at a bar in SF and was watching Pirates-Cubs with my friend from Pittsburgh. There were dozens of people there and the Giants-Dodgers game had started. No one asked to switch the TV. But yeah they'll tell you they are Giants fans if you ask. I wouldn't care about the Giants that much, being an NL team and all, but we unfortunately are surrounded by this infection in the Bay Area.
  4. Detroit Tigers: I confess that I do love the Tigers' history, and Detroit and Oakland share some kinship as working class industrial cities trying to evolve and blah blah blah who am I kidding these jerks knocked us out the last three times we made the postseason. And they basically get a free pass to a division title every year because the rest of their division is a bunch of noncompetitive wilting lilies.
  5. Boston Red Sox: This one is moving down the list for me since they acquired Yoenis Cespedes, but I can still summon a healthy distaste for them. Growing up, we all had to hear about their stupid curse. Every freaking time the Red Sox made the postseason, oh, they are cursed, they never get to win, etc. etc. As if they deserved it. I never heard of the White Sox curse. I never heard of the Mariners curse. Because there was no curse. Anyway, with ESPN and general baseball nostalgists fawning over the Red Sox, it became easy to hate them. I hate how David Ortiz gets a free pass for roiding when McGwire was tarred and feathered. And then that one ALDS where Eric Byrnes forgot to touch the plate and Miguel Tejada was intentionally interfered with on the basepaths but called out due to some weird rule really pissed me off. I would be remiss if I left out their fans. Their fans seem to have mellowed out a bit after winning 3 titles in recent years, but they used to always think you wanted to know everything about the Red Sox game. Perhaps because of the way their team was covered by the media, they thought that we all actually gave a crap about how many strikeouts Pedro Martinez had, and about the latest "Manny being Manny" incident. We didn't and we don't and we never will care about your stupid freaking team. Now stop being a drunk loudmouth idiot in my Coliseum.

Division Rivals

It's easy to develop a healthy hate for the rest of the teams in the division. The more you see them, the more you detest everything about them. In this era of an unbalanced schedule it feels like every home game is against one of these useless squads.

  1. Texas Rangers: Texas vs. the Bay Area makes for a natural rivalry in just about everything. You may be Republican or Democrat, but could you ever imagine George W. Bush sitting in the front row at the Coliseum? Didn't think so. Also, these incompetent boobs couldn't even take out the Giants in 2010. Don't forget one of their guys threw a chair into the Coliseum stands at a fan. He missed and hit the dude's wife instead. Soft spot in my heart for Josh Hamilton though. "He dropped it!" will live on in my memories forever. Keep doing your thing, Josh.
  2. Seattle Mariners: This teal-clad abomination from the Northwest was forced upon the majors sometime before I was born. The team was birthed by a lawsuit, which is usually how bad things get worse. And so it has gone for this relentlessly boring franchise that wasted the prime years of many of the game's greatest talents, from Ken Griffey Jr. to Randy Johnson to Ichiro Suzuki to (so far) Felix Hernandez. In their entire pathetic existence since 1977, the franchise has made the postseason four times. Also their field is named after an insurance company (who doesn't love those?). Lastly they play the most boring brand of baseball imaginable. I blame the typical snoozefest A's-Mariners games on them. The A's at least do something once in a while. I would add Fernando Rodney to this list, but he did us a solid on Saturday. Thanks man!
  3. Houston Astros: They blew up their team and knowingly went into four straight 100-loss seasons. Anyone that punts a bunch of seasons to get a bunch of draft picks to hopefully compete does not deserve to be in baseball. Screw these guys, I hope their prospects regress and they rack up a few more losing seasons. Also by them coming into our division we don't get to see the other AL teams at home but once per season. Our four team division afforded us more opportunities to see other teams. Now instead we have to see the Astros with their disgusting orange creamsicle road uniforms. Also they have their stupid toy ballpark with the ridiculously short left field, the hill that nobody wants as part of an extremely deep center field, and a train that rolls through for home runs. As if anyone in Texas has taken a train anywhere.

Generally Loathed

These NL teams have reasons to be loathed that are universal, that almost transcend the game itself. You don't have to be an A's fan to see them for what they are.

  1. St. Louis Cardinals: OK does anyone really like the team with the "best fans in baseball?" The team with the same home uniforms as road uniforms? "The Cardinal Way?" I just want to play them in the WS one day and Tony La Russa to wear the winner's cap for the rest of his life.
  2. Milwaukee Brewers: Milwaukee sucks. I went there before. My only highlight was seeing Shaq and Phil Jackson. Otherwise it's Bud Selig's hometown. Building the Selig statue was the worst, I hope they are cursed forever by that smirking visage. They could also go into the "never try to win" category as they really haven't done jack since they were forced upon us by Selig. Also, here's a partial list of the beers Milwaukee is responsible for: Beast, MGD, Miller Lite, PBR, and Schlitz. Common theme is bad beer than no one over 21 will actually drink.
  3. Chicago Cubs: Does anyone outside of Cubs fans have anything but contempt for these so-called "lovable losers?" They waste their historic park, they sue their neighbors who put up seats on their own rooftops, they claim a "rivalry" with the Cardinals who wipe the floor with them year in and year out...man this is a worthless team if there ever was one. Does anyone besides their overly self-indulged fans care about their "curse"?
  4. Philadelphia Phillies: They freakin' booed Mike Schmidt. These group of pathetic whiny front runners got their title. Now they have universally reviled Ruben Amaro Jr. and make maddening head-scratching moves, trading away good players like Hunter Pence while holding on to various veterans because of presents and whatnot. A useless franchise. It pains me deeply that they have won a title in the past 25 years, but hey that team had some serious talent, and we got to see a Joe Blanton world series homer. The only problem was that the fans' sense of entitlement went through the roof, and now they are completely insufferable.
  5. Miami Marlins: The loathsome way that ex-Expos owner Jeffrey Loria was awarded this franchise, and then used it to bilk a city out of hundreds of millions of dollars, then made a big a show of signing a bunch of free agents then trading them all away, and now wasting the best years of Giancarlo Stanton toiling away in that hell hole...yeah.
  6. Atlanta Braves: Does anyone like the Braves? No one even goes to their playoff games, yet they find a way almost year in and year out to take a playoff spot. They never win anything and end up just wasting everyone's time. And the idea that they need a new stadium after 17 years is galling. Oh yeah, they still insist on that stupid racist tomahawk chop. The trail of tears started in freaking Georgia you @#$@@##!
  7. Los Angeles Dodgers: Fans of most teams have started to hate the Dodgers because of their determination in following the Yankees model and trying to buy their way to a title. But that's boring. No, we have a more visceral hatred borne of the 1988 World Series. I won't mention his name but let me say that every miserable thing happening to the Diamondbacks brings a small bit of happiness into my life. Also if Tony La Russa keeps him around, he may want to get his head examined. Shoutout to the thuggish Dodger fans knifing people in their own parking lot.

The Teams that Barely Even Try

Once in a while they decide to compete. But these perennially non-competitive franchises generally just waste all of our time and often waste the careers of great talents who have the unfortunate fate of landing on one of these squads.

  1. Colorado Rockies: Yes I know they lucked into a world series appearance seven years ago and got trounced. But since they came into the league in 1995 they have never won the NL West. 20 years! What is the point of this franchise? To hoard Tulo, dress him up in puke-inducing purple pinstripes, pimp Coors Light and ensure that we'll never see them play a meaningful game again?
  2. San Diego Padres: Gifted with one of the league's best stadiums, they have completely and utterly destroyed the baseball fan base of San Diego. Filling their stadium with lost and confused Chargers fans and connoisseurs of camo jerseys, this team scores a run every three games. They allowed a no-hitter to Tim Lincecum THIS SEASON. Also they have taken this logo and turned it into this hideously boring current logo. I feel sorry for their real fans, who have to dodge hundreds of Carlos Quentin-looking douches in powder blue chargers jerseys to get to their seats every game. They came into the league one year after the A's moved to Oakland, and have zero titles since then. You'll always have Tony Gwynn, one of the greatest of all time, and you can all live with the guilt of surrounding him with crap teams for his entire career. Oh and now they have a "Selig Hall of Fame Plaza" in their stadium. At least whatever is left of the Padres fan base had the good sense to protest that.
  3. Cleveland Indians: They decided to try, once. They had a great team of young superstars when they opened Jacobs Field. They do have that one dedicated fan that bangs the drum in the outfield. Their home games are quite a pleasant experience. However, since they changed the name of those digs to Progressive Field, the only "progress" has been straight down the toilet. This team has given up on baseball, really since the 1940's or so. Other than that one clearly anomalous blip, the team has failed to become competitive, held to a tradition of idiocy spanning Albert Belle to Manny Ramirez to Chris Perez to Carlos Santana, and made extremely half-ass steps to sort of kind of eliminate the racist Chief Wahoo mascot. What a pointless team.
  4. New York Mets: This team has a fun, colorful history. Even the way they were born into the league is amusing. They have had some great squads in the past. However, they effectively stopped trying to win. They built a cavernous new ballpark that is consistently rated among the bottom in the league. They make nonsensical signings like Chris Young and Bartolo Colon. They play in a massive market and cry poor, all the freaking time. If baseball sucks that bad, just stop already. Oh wait, you have, circa the Subway Series (2000). If their owner would just get rid of the team and find a buyer who won't blame his troubles on Bernie Madoff like 7 years after that went down, we'd all be better off. Until then can we hit pause on this P.O.S. franchise that likely is hated by more of its own fans than any other?
  5. Kansas City Royals: Check their list of playoff appearances. Really, just go ahead and click that because it's worth seeing how short it is. Yes, that 1985 is not a typo. That's the last time they got to the postseason. So they are in the hunt this year. Whoop de doo. Only took them 29 years. And they still might not make it in anyway. This is in a season where almost everything has gone right for them. Don't worry, they will lose James Shields to free agency and fall back into irrelevance. But then again, with two other teams from their division in this "not trying" category and the sucking White Sox they could luck into something. Hey, who knows, they might earn their way off of this list. But for now we can blame them for killing the great baseball tradition of Kansas City which was well-established by the KC Monarchs, and converting all Kansas Citeans to mindless Chiefs fans trying to set stadium sound records because their teams are incapable of accomplishing anything worthwhile on the field. The fans haven't really come back yet, and who can blame them (besides that mental midget Ned Yost)? They know a Dayton Moore mirage when they see one.
  6. Minnesota Twins: It kind of hurts to put them here, because at one point they did try. They really gave it a go, in the early 2000's and then upon signing Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau long term as Target Field opened. But yeah, they got their stadium, they got their revenues, and they clearly don't want to use it to build a team. Check back in 4 years when they have accomplished nothing and traded Brian Dozier for a set of prospects, hoping this will be the day that they finally turn it around. I gotta give props to their fans though. They came out in full force to the Metrodome for years and are incredibly loyal to this franchise that, since the days of Kirby Puckett, has repeatedly toyed with their expectations in heartbreaking ways.

You Kind of Think You Actually Like Them but then You Think About That One Thing and Realize that You Actually Do Hate Them

Look, there are some teams that have that air of likability. That really haven't wronged us in any way as A's fans. But if we dig deep, we'll find a way to hate them too.

  1. Pittsburgh Pirates: It's hard for me to write about hating them, since I was born in Pittsburgh and have always been a Pirates fan. Second to the A's over the past 20 years or so, but still, I go to at least one Buccos game a year. They have Cutch, they had Clemente. They have a wonderful history, great uniforms, and a great ballpark. However, their fielding a bunch of worthless teams for a couple of decades was a disgrace to baseball. They never even tried, unless you count Kevin Young as trying. Which nobody has ever done. Also, the true Pirates fans have been overcrowded with bandwagon Steelers fans that know little to nothing about baseball. Go to a game at PNC and you see what I'm talking about, a bunch of yahoos yelling heckling chants at their own players that don't even make sense. The suffering die-hard fans deserve this current renaissance. You dumbasses shoving the brunch burger in your face rocking your Roethlisberger jerseys don't deserve anything.
  2. Chicago White Sox: They seem cool. Their unis, their players (from Jose Abreu to Paul Konerko to Frank Thomas to Shoeless Joe Jackson), their little brother on the South Side syndrome...they beg to be liked. But they are owned by that wretched vile taint on sports, Jerry Reinsdorf. I'll let Jay Mariotti describe him: "When I'd point out that he built an obsolete ballpark with public money or underachieved in what is now 34 years of major-market baseball ownership, he'd call me anti-Semitic or send lawyers into the Sun-Times newsroom, where pubishers and editors bowed at his feet. When I'd say he inherited Michael Jordan, chased him away prematurely and refused to re-do his contract or pay Phil Jackson what he was worth during a six-title dynasty that had nothing to do with Reinsdorf, he'd later try to have me removed from ESPN. Or call me "a piece of garbage'' after his crazed manager, Ozzie Guillen, called me "a (bleeping) f*g,'' the same Guillen who would say he loved Fidel Castro and was fired from two managerial jobs in three years." Also we all know a sad Hawk Harrelson is way way way more tolerable than a happy one. So let's keep him sad, shall we?
  3. Toronto Blue Jays: They seem like a fun, fun-loving team with Jose Bautista and company mashing homers left and right. But come on, how can I have anything but disdain for a Canadian team? Not only that, a Canadian team that conspired to eliminate the other Canadian squad and claim the vast territory themselves. You will never convince me that the elimination of the Expos wasn't secretly done with their help and blessing. Also, their fans do suck. They are all so, so completely nerdy. If you say "Encarnacion has been in a slump lately" to the A's fan sitting next to you at the game, some stupid Jays fan will turn around and rattle off his BABIP over the past three weeks to tell you it's small sample size bad luck. Dude, we're at the game making conversation. If I wanted fangraphs I would have stayed at home and pulled up fangraphs.
  4. Washington Nationals: Yeah, they are alright, somewhat likable even. They play hard and have some exciting talent. It's nice that they beat up on the Giants. But their decision to sit Stephen Strasburg and torpedo an excellent chance at a title never sat well with me. A front office that sniffs its own farts yet has earned exactly one postseason appearance isn't an attractive quality.
  5. Cincinnati Reds: They really are not so bad, pretty much irrelevant as far as teams go. But, I'm still mad about the 1990 World Series. And about Pete Rose becoming a thing to discuss every year (the idiot gambled on his own games...smh). And the fact that during the McCarthy era they decided to change their name from the "Reds" to the "Redlegs." What a chickensh*t move.

Douche-filled Squads

Teams full of easy-to-hate players or a generally douche-like philosophy:

  1. Baltimore Orioles: Nelson Cruz, Manny Machado, Buck Showalter and responsible for giving us Jim Johnson. Also they have a bird on their hat. Why not a B? Or an O? I might be reaching, but that bird, especially the cartoon version, is annoying as hell.
  2. Tampa Bay Rays: A carousel of jerks over the years has made this otherwise likable small market overachiever leave a bad taste in your mouth. A partial list: Elijah Dukes, Luke Scott, Yunel Escobar, Josh Sale, Josh Lueke, etc. Also having to listen to or watch road games in their stadium is horrific. The dome is bad enough but piping in loud, artificial, echo-y crowd noise is practically migraine-inducing. Baseball is supposed to be relaxed, but the Rays in-game experience is anything but.
  3. Arizona Diamondbacks: They throw at literally everyone. They pretend to play the game "old-school" and some other tired old cliches. To hell with this team. Throwing at Andrew McCutchen for a perceived slight, and trading players like Justin Upton because of "attitude" issues (code for who knows what) and amassing players like Ian Kennedy...well, let's just say that I wouldn't be mad if Paul Goldschmidt demanded a trade to a team I could actually root for. These guys suck. But you don't have to take my word for it, read Grantland's take or several others echoing that sentiment. We'll see if Tony La Russa changes the attitude around there, and if so we'll find some other reason to hate these d-bags.

Last, but not Least, Your Favorite Team

The Oakland Athletics, the team that you love so much that they can piss you off more than all the other teams combined, in more ways than you can imagine. Sigh.