Normally, baseball on July 4th is the American tradition that out-traditions all American traditions. You have two American teams playing America's pastime, fans drinking Budweiser (an American beer), chowing down dogs, firing up the pre-game grill, and enjoying the day in the sun. You have pregame festivities featuring members of the armed forces and typically a stirring rendition of the American national anthem. The teams come out clad in special red, white, and blue hats to celebrate America. America!
This July 4th, though, it will be even more special for our boys in green and gold. Because they will not just represent the fine citizens of Athletics Nation, but the citizens of the U.S. of A against invaders from the Great White North. Yes, Major League Baseball has saved its best and brightest, your Oakland Athletics, to represent America against the scourge of Canada on our Independence Day. The stakes could not be higher.
The shame of losing to those sniveling queen-worshipers on the day that we declared independence from the British could never be lived down. We gained our independence and never looked back. They still have British queens on their currency!
Yes, we will let you Canadians play (although thankfully we got rid of one Canadian team and moved it to our nation's capitol). Americans are nothing if not inclusive and magnanimous. We are happy to export our fine sports to nations like Canada who can't play hockey in the summertime. But we will not let you win. Not on this day.
I will be there today to cheer on this country and America's pastime. If Major League Baseball commits the sacrilege of playing the Canadian anthem on July 4th (the way this P.C. namby pamby society is going I wouldn't put it past 'em) I will boo. Loudly. Not because I hate Canada. But Canada is not America, dammit, and July 4th is about America! Why should I have to put up with that crap?
Oh, and if there are Blue Jays fans in the crowd, we will show them a fine time as guests of our fair nation. However if they abuse our hospitality, thundering cheers of U-S-A! U-S-A! will rain down on their meek cheering sections.
This game is our World Cup, more than the actual World Cup, because America never has been about soccer. We have to let the other countries fight over something, so they can have that. Sure, we'll send a few guys around the world to kick some ass in a game we didn't invent, just to keep those Euros in line. But you and I know that we intentionally send our best athletes to baseball, basketball and football. American sports. Because who cares about that other stuff?
A's fans, players, coaches: We have a special assignment today. While fans of other teams will be relaxing and enjoying their July 4th, we will be busy defending the honor of an entire nation. Are we up to the task? No pressure or anything.