Frankincense, gold, and myrrh? That's not 3 wise men, that's one wise man and two guys who are even worse at buying gifts than I am. Apparently, as my Aunt Bertha will tell you, a 12-month subscription to Weight Watchers is not a kind gift after all. As for uncle Merv (or as we refer to him, Uncle Perv), the past 7 years I have tried getting him Preparations A-G and having struck out so many times I'm just going to try something else this year.
I don't like shopping, especially at malls. The last time I shopped in a mall was at J.C. Penney's, where I had to stand there for 5 minutes while the sales clerk measured my in-seam and as open-minded as I try to be, frankly at one point I got a bit uncomfortable. I went ahead and bought the toaster anyway, but I won't be back.
In any event, I'm going to spend much of today waiting by the door because I don't want to miss delivery of the pony I'm expecting from Blez this year. It's gotta be this year, right? Gotta be. I even went to talk to a place called Western Saddlery to ask about getting ready to own my own pony. It was a strange conversation. I went with Cindi and as we walked in, the lady saw us and asked, "Are you together?" "Not at all," I admitted. "Is it that obvious? In any event, we're looking for something a pony can stay in..." "Stable?" "No, I already told you! Geez." The last thing I need in my life is some equestrian psychoanalyzing me, so we left and the current plan is for the pony to live in the basement. I'm sure Aunt Bertha won't mind, and Uncle Perv might even be intrigued.
But that's not why I write to you today. On this day that you either celebrate or ignore, but either way there's no mail, I want to publicly express my sincere gratitude to those who keep AN ticking with ever-new content by writing on the front page. In alphabetical order, Alex Hall, baseballgirl, cuppingmaster, Yon Yonson, and Zonis (who, like his "Z"-namesake Zobrist, has become an All-Star super-utility player this off-season), thank you. Also, thanks to all the moderators for their dedication to keeping an eye on AN while I'm busy teaching, drinking, passed out, or all of the above. And thanks to each and every one of you throughout the rest of the community -- whether you write posts, comment, or just read, thanks for being a part of AN.
I feel like there's still someone I haven't thanked...writers...moderators...readers...oh, right! Thanks, Blez, for, y'know, starting this blog and stuff. And for the pony, of course. I might name her Blezita.
Happy Festivus, everyone: Remember, it's Festivus for you...and Cespedes for the rest of us!