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1000 Comments About Jamey Carroll?

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Probably not. But while "The Life and Times of Jamey Carroll" is unlikely to generate mass analysis on AN (or ever to become an ABC 3:30pm TV special), Carroll's free agent signing with the LA Dodgers has some noteworthy elements. And very few goatworthy elephants.

First of all, Carroll's agent -- shockingly, not Scott Boras but rather a guy named Jonathan Maurer who is likely a dentist in the small town where Carroll grew up, a part-time busboy who happens to know Carroll's dad, or the only guy in Carroll's high school class who never beat him up for still going by "Jamey" -- reports that the A's offered more money and playing time than the Dodgers did.

This would be the second time the A's were allegedly "Scutaroed," i.e., rejected despite offering more money than someone else, and the third time in two years they have been "Furcaled," i.e., rejected by a smallish infielder who can play SS because the player evidently did not feel he looked good in green. (I say green, because nobody could look good in pale yellow unless they were married to Jose Lima.)

Now before you panic, there were -- according to the dentist/friend of the family/non bully -- extenuating circumstances. The official reason Carroll chose the Dodgers, Maurer says, is that Carroll wanted to play for Joe Torre and Don Mattingly. Why Bob Geren and Jim Skaalan weren't good enough is unclear, but apparently a 35-year old journeyman with less power than Joe Biden (seriously, is he even still alive? I never hear about him and the last time I saw him on TV I could swear he looked at least 93) is more concerned about the team's manager and hitting coach than he is about hundreds of thousands of dollars. And you say managers don't matter. They not only matter, they bring shgritty difference-makers like Jamey Carroll to your organization.

This brings me to "second of all." The A's offered more than a 2 year, $3.85million contract to Jamey Carroll? The A's, who didn't want to pay Jack Cust the extra million between his 2009 contract and a likely arbitration award or settlement, wanted to pay Jamey Carroll nearly $2million more than Gregorio Petit to man the crucial position of "utility infielder"? Or is it that the A's weren't satisfied paying Aaron Miles $1.7million to be versatile -- which means "equally bad at many things" -- so they wanted to double the amount they were paying to guys who winning teams laugh at the thought of starting? Or is it that at age 36 come Opening Day 2010, the A's feel Carroll is just now approaching his prime and is about to start slugging over .350 -- his career slugging percentage?

If Jamey Carroll is your regular starting 3Bman, your team sucks. If he's your utility infielder, there are better ways of spending a couple million dollars for the next two years than to spend it on Jamey Carroll, v.36-37 years old. Meanwhile, Jack Cust is a free agent and Kurt Suzuki is currently the team's leading power hitter. Do. Not. Get.