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Abreu, Anderson...Don't Worry, Folks: It All Makes Sense

I know, it seems weird. The A's have no interest in Miguel Tejada, who plays, competently, the position in most dire need of upgrading. Not once have the A's been linked to discussions around Adam Dunn, who is a young and long-term solution who walks and HRs and plays poor defense, while the A's are reportedly kicking the tires (of the coffin) on Garret Anderson and Bobby Abreu, who strongly resemble Dunn in that they also play lousy defense. And of couse the A's are kind of in the middle on Jason Giambi, because on one hand he is old and plays bad defense but on the other hand, he is that coveted "DH who can play a position badly."

Fortunately, A's fans know that Billy Beane always has a plan. It may not always be apparent, but there is one. So unlike some fans, who have to say, "Oh I see - we overpaid for a bad player because...because our GM is an idiot!" or "Oh right - we traded away our future for a marginal upgrade next year because...our city panics when we go on a three-game losing streak," with Oakland you just have to figure out what's really going on.

I have narrowed it down to a few possibilities, any of which fully explain why the A's appear to be going after every aging defensive butcher who once hit well:

* Jack Cust has been secretly working out furiously at SS, mastering gold glove range on his 400,000th repetition. Beane almost panicked when Furcal actually agreed to Beane's absurd insistence that he fly out from the Dominican Republic to discuss a lowball offer, so Billy booked reservations at Fatapples, told Furcal he could only order cole slaw due to budgetary concerns, and then toured Furcal around various crack houses before throwing him out of the car onto a lifeless heroin addict whom Forst had delivered to Gate C.

* No one has actually seen Travis Buck or Aaron Cunningham for weeks and they aren't returning Beane's calls. Massachusetts lists a married couple by the names of Mr. Travis Buck and Mrs. Erin Cunningham, and Beane recalls what seemed to be a throwaway comment at the time when Buck remarked, "I never wanted to be an outfielder - I wanted to be a lumberjack!" Massachusetts Chamber of Commerce lists a new business called Trav Buck Lumber Co. and the A's are taking no chances.

* Beane is suffering from an illness known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, having watched the 2008 offense, and is open to signing any hitter whose OVOHAEB (Offensive Value Over Hannahan And Emil Brown) is +0.1 or higher. In the process, Billy has decided to ignore positions and just produce the best nine hitters he can, or at least the best eight hitters and Garret Anderson. He will figure out later where to put these players in the event that the league continues to insist on playing both halves of each inning. Current thinking is that the A's will field four outfielders and no shortstop, and that Cahill and Mazzaro will not be called up until further notice.

So you see, for every puzzling development there is always a completely logical and reasonable explanation - sometimes even two or three. Now if you'll excuse me, I understand the A's have just inquired about Jose Vidro and I need to really think about this...