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An Inconvenient (Lack Of) Truth

It’s that special time of year, folks: It’s semester report-card time, where teachers all across the country – from Inflation Valley to Mount Euphemism – must write grades and comments for their group of above-average students who never fail because they are simply “emerging,” and who never misbehave because they are simply “struggling to find more productive ways to channel their energy.” More productive, say, than whacking little Susie with a baseball bat is proving to be (hey, at least he made contact).

I need to practice for my marathon of report-card writing this holiday weekend, so please indulge me as I give my grades to our beloved Oakland A Plusses:

Bobby Crosby: A++
Bobby continues to learn how to manage his own personal space, recently keeping much better distance from his neighbor Mark, as well as from home plate. The number of absences continues to be a concern but tardiness has not been a problem except for on fastballs.

Rich Harden: A+++
In a culture rife with impulsivity, it is refreshing to see a player like Rich who approaches throwing a baseball with such caution, restraint, and self-control. There is no doubt about this young man’s ability and we really missed him the last 93% of the term.

Santiago Casilla: A+
Santiago is still in the process of trying to figure out who he is; this, and a wild streak that is age-appropriate but disruptive, explain his low grade.

Donnie Murphy: A++++
Donnie has really thrived in our Special Ed program. Even though he is regularly beaten up by righties, which constitute most of the population, he has found a niche where he can be fully average. He also has such a cute little boy’s name that you just can’t help but give him high marks no matter what his performance may suggest.

Colby Lewis: B-
C’mon dude. Seriously.

Woah, gotta go – Johnny just, er, “expressed his individuality” on one of the potted plants. Maybe you want to add some more reports to save me some time?