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Hey Wait--I Know These Guys!

Do you ever play those pickup softball games on the weekends? I'm not sure if they all feature the exact same guys, and those guys just travel across the country from field to field, or whether every game just seems to attract the same kind of people; I'm assuming it's the latter. But if you've ever played softball at the park on a lazy Sunday, anywhere at any time, undoubtedly you've run into these characters:

* There's the guy who takes everything way too seriously. He carefully measures his swing outside the batter's box, looks incredibly determined, actually signals time to the pitcher when he's ready, takes a lot of pitches until he gets just the right one, and always pops it up on the infield--and then appears to be both surprised and irritated not to have crushed a line drive. He will pop up every at bat.

* There's the guy who likes to play the outfield and always thinks he can pick any runner off with a throw. All you have to do if you single is to round first and intentionally slip for a moment and he'll fire a throw back to first while you jog to second base. He will do this several times in the same game.

But wait...I'm actually going somewhere with all this...

* There's the guy who as soon as he stands in the batter's box, all three outfielders come way in until they are closer to the infielders than they are to the outfield wall. Any ball hit too far for the infielders to catch has to be in reach of an outfielder. Wait a minute: That guy is Jason Kendall!

* There's the guy who takes beautiful swings and looks like he should be spraying line drives every which way, except that he swings right through every pitch, every time. Hang on a minute: That guy is Danny Putnam!

* There's the guy whose routine throws always bounce in front of the first baseman, even if he has ample time to plant and measure his throw because big Aunt Bertha is waddling down the first base line with a cigarette in her left hand and a beer in her right. Woah: That guy is Bobby Crosby!

* There's the guy in the outfield who takes a "bee route" to every fly ball--that is, if a "bee route" means spelling out the letter "b". He catches everything but he's a bit overweight, slow and a bit clumsy looking, and takes such unsure routes to the ball that you wonder how long he can go before completely embarrassing himself. You know what: That guy is Jack Cust!

Holy cow, folks--right now our Lovable Muppets are putting a weekend pickup softball team on the field and they've still won half their games!