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The Aftermath

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So a lot of mysteries and conspiracies are now coming to light now that Jason Kendall has done the unthinkable:

  • The world is indeed flat. Apparently, when people sail "around" the world, there is some strange gravitational phenomenon that makes it unnoticable when we flip around to the other side of the planet.
  • The Matrix is very real and I woke up this morning in a gelatinous tub. Guess we've all been taking the blue pill and didn't know it.
  • JFK was never shot and he and Elvis are living on a ranch in Montana, having a real good laugh at Joel Peralta right now. They even decided to come out of hiding long enough to send him a text message that read, "HA ha (say like Nelson Muntz). Love, The King and The Prez."
  • Bigfoot is indeed, real. He came to my house this morning, rang the bell and left a package that contained his hot plate, tent and other assorted camping gear with a note that simply read, "If Kendall can go yard, I can retire to a condo in Palm Springs."
  • Hangar 18 in Area 51 is not filled with the remnants of an alien space crash in Roswell, New Mexico, but the people who caught the previous 67 Jason Kendall career home runs. They're such a rare breed that we have them encased in glass for research purposes in case their kind ever returned. They have an addition now...beware whoever caught that home run.
  • The Americans never really did land on the moon. The purpose of the study was not to find enough jet propulsion to break through the earth's atmosphere to get to the moon, but to try and figure out a way to add enough juice to Kendall's bat to help him clear that 330 fence in left field.
  • The Bermuda Triangle is indeed a place where ships get lost forever. It's also the place the Kansas City Royals will be sending Joel Peralta after giving up that tater yesterday. His face will appearing on a milk carton near you soon enough.
  • If you zoom in really closely on the person who caught Kendall's ball and the subsequent celebration, you realize that he bears a striking resemblance to Jimmy Hoffa...
  • The home run actually ruined a poker game between the Jersey Devil and El Chupacabra to see who was going to get Old Macdonald's Farm. After feeling the love from the Kendall bomb, they agreed to split the livestock with Chupacabra merely taking the goats.
You see what you did, Jason? You made all our most sacred mythology null and void with one swing off the bat. Maybe if you hit one again today, an image of the Virgin Mary will appear on the baseball.