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I'm Robert Stack, baby

So, the A's squeezed a victory out of a loss tonight. The offense once again failed to help Barry Zito pick up a win.

The A's offense has disappeared and since I've been charged by none other than Billy Beane himself to find it. It's an Unsolved Mystery and I've been following some promising leads thanks to some helpful viewers. These have been phoned in and I will leave no stone unturned until I complete my task of figuring out the mystery.

Here are the top ten theories I'm researching:

  1. The A's offense didn't see the white smoke streaming from the Vatican. So it's still waiting for a decision on the new pope. It's sad and lonely at St. Peter's right now.
  2. The A's offense is off having a scandalous affair with an American Idol judge.
  3. The A's offense set up shop on the sidewalk in a tent with Yoda ears on waiting for Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.
  4. The A's offense is waiting until gas prices go down to make that expensive trip to the ballpark.
  5. The A's offense has been taking its chance at acting. It's currently starring as Corey Feldman in the E! courtroom recreation of the Michael Jackson trial.
  6. The A's offense is anxiously awaiting the season finale of Desperate Housewives. It has a big crush on Bree.
  7. The A's offense is waiting for the announcement of XBox 2 at the upcoming E3 show in Los Angeles. The anticipation of Halo 3 on the new system is too much for the A's offense to bear.
  8. The A's offense can't go on until Barry and Alyssa kiss and make up. Or Brad and Jennifer. Whichever.
  9. The A's offense got cold feet and has decided to stage its own kidnapping.
And the number one lead as to where the A's offense is:

1. The A's offense was waiting for Athletics Nation to top a million visitors to return.

There you have it. I'm Robert Stack for Unsolved Mysteries. Updates coming in future episodes.