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Insider: A's Halloween Party

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I recently talked with an inside source about a variety of different topics involving the A's*, and I was told about the A's Halloween party. Yes, it's a little late to be talking about Halloween when Christmas decorations have already popped up all over the place.

But here's an account of what happened (note to AN readers some or all of the accounts below have been exaggerated or just completely made up):

The A's Halloween party got off to a rousing start when Huston Street danced out in his costume. Yep, you guessed it, Street came out dressed as George Michael circa the Faith video. "I know not everybody has got a body like you."

The party was rocking when Zito and Chavez showed up in a Gran Torino. Chavez was David Starsky and Zito came as Ken Hutchinson. Now I don't want to give anything away, but rumor has it that Hutch put some heavy booze in the punch. Starsky wanted some of the punch, but he couldn't lift his shoulder high enough to get the cup to his mouth.

Bobby Kielty came dressed as Ronald McDonald, prompting Jason Kendall in full Robocop garb to say, "Hey Bobby, don't you have any other costumes at home?"

Kielty simply replied by fluffing his hair up, prompting Scott Hatteberg, dressed as Father Time, to break into hysterics.

Danny Haren, Joe Blanton and Kirk Saarloos then showed up as the Three Stooges. Haren took it a little far though by continuing to slap and eye-gouge Blanton and Saarloos until Larry Davis, dressed as Jerry Garcia, decided to separate the three.

Davis also kept a close eye on the infield duo of Bobby Crosby and Mark Ellis. Crosby came dressed as the Terminator and kept asking for "John Connor." In a strange twist of fate, Ellis came dressed as John Connor.

Nick Swisher, Dan Johnson and Mark Kotsay came as the men of Desperate Housewives. Swisher was the young gardener, Johnson came as the pharmacist and Kotsay as Teri Hatcher's love interest. No word on whether they have a neighbor who has someone locked in their basement.

Jay Payton confused many by just wearing a small pair of shorts. Given his Machiavellian move by forcing his way out of Boston, he decided to pay homage to Richard Hatch. No word whether he decided to take off those shorts a la Hatch during the party. But he was trying to form alliances with the Desperate Housewive men, leading to Dan Johnson getting voted out of the party.

Rich Harden kept accidentally knocking drinks off tables because of his large, egg-shaped Humpty Dumpty costume. Dr. Yokum kept following him around in his king's man outfit, per an order from Billy Beane.

Justin Duchscherer and Ricardo Rincon came dressed as the guys from the movie Stuck on You, with Rincon obviously on the left and Duchscherer on the right. No word on whether they would actually look into becoming attached to confound hitters in the future.

Jay Witasick came as Napoleon Dynamite. When Blanton began teasing him about his pen "blow-ups", Witasick simply replied, "Gawd, you're an IDIOT."

Ken Macha came dressed as Albert Einstein, with his hair fluffed and everything. He quickly decided that the party wasn't to his liking and left to check out another Halloween party in Pittsburg, CA. After deciding that the party in Pittsburg was full, he quickly changed his mind and called Billy Beane to ask if he could come back. Billy, dressed as Brainiac from the Superman comics, consulted David Forst in his Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius costume and then told Macha he could only come back for 2.6 drinks.

Eric Byrnes made a cameo at the party since he still has a lot of buddies on the team. But since he got a bad read on the invitation, he arrived too late for anyone to see that he was dressed as Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times.

Ironically, the party was hosted by Al Davis, who was not coincidentally dressed as Satan. He invited buddy Frank McCourt to visit as well. McCourt came as Saddam Hussein. Not surprisingly, a romance, not unlike the one in South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut broke out by the end of the evening.

There you have the Oakland Athletics Halloween party, 2005. Sorry this report is late, but events from the evening were still trickling in.

* This entire story has been completely fabricated. The A's are all in separate corners of the world right now and did their own thing on Halloween. As if you didn't know.