No matter how many times we have conversations like this, QOTM will still just be one big, undivided, unrated, filthy mess each month... But at least I have recovered (mostly) from the psychosis that was triggered by the Rich Harden trade.

And I haven't compared it to April, May and June... but... this thing is getting bigger, isn't it? (that's what he said) I think I may have to boycott Nico next month (that's what... never mind).

 

Ah! Fun with captions! I made them into LOLjocks by using roflbot, but, unfortunately, I can't take credit for the caption ideas...

By monkeyball:

 

And by Swooney's Left Foot:

 

Also amazing (Non-Caption Division)... The Bobble Village's tribute to Ziggy's record-breaking career-opening ERA!

 

Now for the quotey bits, in a pile that's kind of sorted, but mostly not.

Jennifer: With the sun shining on MaEl over there at first, it makes him look like he has been sent down from Heaven to rob Evil of hits and hand out rainbows.

Blez: Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Curve, duke, duke, duke of Curve... I would've said cutter, but curve just seems to fit better.

I have no idea what this is about, but it was nominated.

Cutthemullet: I tried to recommend myself, but I couldn't…that needs to be fixed. Narcissus has spoken.

calgbear: Emil designated that ball for assignment!

OptimistPrime: MaEl trying to bowl someone over is like a Geo Metro crashing into the Queen Mary

alox: Hannahan just had his photo with his last remaining fans. I’m sure his mother will want him DFA’ed before the game ends.

149: I was thinking, "Wow.. Barton and Sweeney are roommates? Barton must come home to a towel on the door knob a lot."

Leopold Bloom: Have I mentioned how money I think Blevins is? He's got ice-water pumping through those frail, little-girl arms of his.

Nico: Can I get two BK Broilers and a small Pepsi? {shouts into Kielty's mouth}

theblackpearl (re: where's a good place to sit at the Coli): Try the dugout. With all the injuries, half the team is unrecognizable, you could slide right in, maybe play a little ss while you are at it.

Kimberly: Huston Street, you're breaking my heart.

 

What's in Larry Davis' fanny pack? Well...

Mark H: Merit Light 100's, Snicker's, Pix of hot women he once dated/sort of knew (but not really), MS Degree from now-defunct online university, leaky pen from 1997, autographed card from Sal Fasano, Rabbit's foot, crumpled piece of paper with words "Lefty = Loosey, Righty = Tighty", another crumpled up piece of note paper "From the Desk of Mark Ellis" on which is written, "Larry – I know what you've been up to. One more injury and I go to Wolff with this. Your career is littered with the bodies of hurt ballplayers. Do you enjoy Langerhans starting in Center? No? Neither does anyone else. Regards, Ellie." , promotional condom from `88 Olympics, 1/2 pound of Havarti, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, 3 aspirin, 1/4 ounce bag of weed, carefully folded up bag with remnants of last bag of weed, St. Pauli Girl opener, 2 lighters (both not working), matches from Francesco's, address book, gold necklace with Christ-on-a-Cross, resin-coated glass pipe, and sourdough bread crumbs. I think that's it.

AsFanInLA: A Visine bottle filled with sunscreen

 

Nico: Christ - I'm surprised one of our players can even hit the bottom of a shallow swimming pool.

theblackpearl: If Billy Beane read AN on a daily basis, Carlos Gonzalez and Ryan Sweeney would be in the outfield, only Mark Ellis would be in the infield, and Ziggy on the mound. Everyone else would be DFA'd.

Leopold Bloom: I get the feeling that if I had, say, a room full of bodies that needed to disappear, Stern would be preferable to Selig. In fact, he might be the first phone call.

Englishmajor's #1 comment on this diary.

Nico: Headline: A'S LOSE FORFEIT WHEN PLAYERS NEGLECT TO TOUCH HOME PLATE
"That's all they had to do," Commissioner Bud Selig said, his head shaking in disbelief. "When I got to the ballpark, though, the 3Bman was lying face down in the grass, and the 1Bman was diving head first off the dugout roof into an empty bucket. So I decided to declare the game a tie."

monkeyball (re: some tri-state killing spree perp that FSU *wrongly* thinks looks like Mark Ellis): Fortunately, this is his age-28 year. His killing productivity is likely to decline. Impressive range, though.

gigglingone: I want to see Outman marry Striker's sister, and then their kids would be named Striker-Outman. That would be awesome.

Swooney's Left Foot: If I created a new name every time an A got hurt, I would do nothing else.

A'sfaninNC (on an incoherent vegasgm diary)(yes, that was redundant): Just for fun I tried to copy and paste this post over to Word, but my computer gave me the finger.

OaklandSi: Cotroneo mentioned that Thomas and MSweeney might be activated soon, to "bring reinforcements over the hill." Might be more accurate to say that such reinforcements are "over the hill."

PaulThomas: The Lidle crash was Billy's fault? Damn, now I have to cancel my order of "Beane is my co-pilot" stickers.

Nico: How long until Blanton and Ryan Howard have an eating contest (to see who can eat the other)?

74mk: Headline: grover Calls Street Dickhead

elhefe: It's a bourbon - called Blanton's... But you choke after a fifth.

stormtown: I could do without Tony Gwynn telling me I'm going to die, also.

nevermoor: On AN anything that isn't "best in MLB history by a wide margin" is "above average." As an example, someone was rating our team a month or so ago, put our defense as #2 in baseball, and gave it "a tic above average." If his WHIP was 0.5 then it would be "fine to good" and 0.1 would be "good, but unsustainable."

Joey C.: Jack Hannahan and Donnie Murphy back-to-back... "A rally was found murdered in Oakland. Police have 2 suspects."

jeepers: Prince Fielder is a vegetarian? Did pork become a vegetable when I wasn't looking?

Nico: El Paso's user name is ohtobelikehouston.

rubin sierra: I blame you... Billy read your comment about his setting the bar too high for Blanton and then lowered it. Two hours ago, I tried briefly to compose a reply warning that Billy could also set the bar too low, but there was a glitch and my reply didn’t post. "Oh well," I thought, never imagining that my failure to reply would change the course of A’s history.

oakinboston (to a new user): I notice that you have 6 comments. You should have at least 7 fAnPoSTs by now.

 

Flashfire: E-mail's in my profile if you want to touch bases and work it out.
Nico: Eric Byrnes' email is in his profile, so how come he doesn't want to touch bases?

RIPHalsey: "Fear Mecir"... Still one of my favorite ballpark signs
KMoAsFan: Yeah me too. Except as A's fans, I think we were the only ones in the ballpark "fearing" Mecir.

Jennifer: RyRy, you suck. You can forget about fathering my children, loser.
monkeyball: So, he already has fathered them, you just don't want him to remember it?

SwampyD: This team is going to be so good in two years.
Nico: Or will have a heck of a DL.

pam5981: Well, this looks promising...
ohtobe21likehuston: Does promising mean "shitty" in California?

jeepers: Definately. The A's should bundt more, 2.
Gaijin_Suketto: less Cupcakes, more Bundt!

PaulThomas: There is no truth in La Verdad?
Poppy: Just verdadiness.
PaulThomas: Who's your verdaddy?

IowaA'sFan: If I had a son, I was going to name him Hudson. But I had a girl.
gigglingone: Did you name her Huddaughter?

PaulThomas: I find it surprisingly annoying that fangraphs refuses to recognize "Greg Smith" as Greg Smith, and forces you to actually literally type "Gregory" Smith.
mikeA: fangraphs is run by Smith's mom

One won lost won: And, AN should have organized a "Welcome BACK!" for the Athletics at the airport!! Except, I’m not sure if they fly into Oakland….wouldn’t that be embarassing!!
Nico: They'll probably fly into Sacramento out of habit

briandouglas (at the end of a long rant): I'm going to go rant at my dog now.
Flashfire: I bet I know what your dog will be thinking... "Sausages? Sausages! Please, sausages!"

oaklandSMASH: Swooney: "Isn’t this your fourteenth rootbeer float today?"
Leopold Bloom: "Quiet, root beer monkey! And take off your pants!"

jubjub: It's 7AM here on the other side of the pond and no one was traded overnight. Missing all the games due to the time difference is one thing, but all these trades while I sleep have felt like someone keeps breaking into my house overnight and stealing my house plants and replacing them with seeds and a jug of miracle grow.
whiteshoes40: I watered our roses with Miracle Grow a few weeks ago and now they're almost as tall as me… so that's gotta be a good sign, right? With this method, the new players will at least grow to be 6' tall. As for baseball skills, well, I haven't tested the roses on that yet. We'll see.

solotar: What exactly does Cust have to hit to lose his job?
WaddellCanseco: Beane's daughter?

baseballgirl: I hate the offense, but I love me Ryan Sweeney!
One won lost won: Hate? Love? Such strong descriptions for a game played only for entertainment. Now, if you played that Aztec "ball game" where the losers lost their lives, you might be saying those things.
baseballgirl: No, I'm pretty sure I hate the A's offense.

Poppy (re: guy whose "mountain lion attack" claim proved to be false, after county officials dispatched hunters to track the cat down): So I got all pissed off for nothing? I'm gonna go kick that guy's ass.
monkeyball: Then he really *will* have been attacked by a cougar!

PaulThomas: What does Patterson and Gallagher sound like? A bad cop show?
andeux: A triple-A baseball team

green star oakland: But it has to be a 3-way including StL so we can get Pujols too.
Swooney's Left Foot: Most 3-ways involve poo holes

Poppy: Damn AN 3.0... That was supposed to be a reply to andeux.
popcornjames: What am I, chopped Langerhans?

WaddellCanseco: When you have a chance to get a guy like Gallagher, you take it! Did Beane really say that?
BigTuna: No, his Supercuts bowlcut did

Jennifer: HOERUN!! WOOT!
monkeyball: Are you trying to scare away Swooney's girlfriend?
(I think that one is my favorite because of the awesome mental image I get: Jennifer, eyes blazing, brandishing a shotgun while leaning out the window of her onrushing car...)

Morgasm: injury delay... Who was injured?
Taj Adib: Cy Young. Apparently he's dead!

jwnewman: I had to poop like 30 minutes ago, but this game is soo exciting that I don't have to anymore.
theblackpearl: You must be an Angels fan, because you are FOS.

monkeyball: maple bat imbroglio... Wasn't that Ice Cream's sigline at some point?
5Aces: No- He was the guy the Cubs traded Lou Brock for.
(If anyone would like to explain that pun to me, go for it.)

Flashfire: We need more 71-year olds throwing BP
gigglingone: can't... they are all starting for the Giants

xbhaskarx (in the fAnPoSt Etiquette diary): can you please delete this diary? it's taking up a valuable spot in the recommended diaries section.
Nico: Comments like yours push important comments like this down farther on the page.

PaulThomas: I'm guessing the Cardinals aren't really feeling a burning need for a first baseman right now.
monkeyball: Christ, what a Pujols

ChrisB: Hmmm... On paper it does not make much sense. Let’s hope there is more in the works
ru155: maybe the Cubs threw in Wrigley for our Fremont location

ohtobe21likehuston (re: the All-Star Game): My local news just pre-empted. WTF??
Flashfire: Is the anchorwoman named Heidi?

Kimberly: I want to give Dan Uggla a hug. Poor boy.
Hit4TheCycle: A Huggla?

In a CurveballKing diary: A season of mediocrity gives us our first big chance to turn Michael Inoa into The Great Pumpkin: a supernatural, possibly-fictional savior whose velocity and pinpoint control will solve all our problems and make life worth living again. I foresee at least three or four seasons in which all of us can be Linus sitting in the pumpkin patch on Halloween, telling our respective Sallies about how while He didn't come last year or the year before, The Great Pumpkin is sure to arrive any minute to pass out toys to all the good little children and lead Oakland into postseason glory.
FreeSeatUpgrade: Just wait, you'll see! The Coliseum is the most sincere concrete patch anywhere!

Jennifer: Franky-Frank in.
Nico: He throws fastball, slider, curve, and furniture.

ohtobe21likehuston: At least it's not past midnight where you are!
oblique: You should change your username to ohtobe10:00likeoakland

athleticsBB4life: Ellis has been suckin' for some time now. AN needs to start ridin’ this guy…it’s only fair
Joey C.: If you have a panic room, I suggest you go to it now

Swooney's Left Foot: Murton still not on Sacramento roster. It’s been almost 72 hours.
Nick: Did Chicago get a tracking number for him?

WaddellCanseco: The Royals guy says Street reminds him of Eckersley
Poppy: He means Street came up to him and said, "Remember Eckersley?"

stranahanahan: I don't want to lose Duke, but Poreda will blow guys away in 3 years, guaranteed…
Nico: We didn't mean to rain on your Poreda

mikeA (re: what's for dinner?): Giant tupperware-ful of coleslaw…......
ohtobe21likehuston: Disappointing. I thought you would have A's tupperware?

RenoTy: There sure don't seem to be many fans left…Were there any tonight?
mikev: Dozens.

Gaijin_Suketto: How come Australia and England didn't get into a punch-up during the Bodyline incident? If something like that had happened in baseball, benches would have been cleared and there would have been a pile of bodies on the middle of the field…
Dalesman: Because it just wouldn't have been Cricket, old man.

Nico: Screw you. Which is New Yorker for I love you.
WaddellCanseco: What's New Yorker for "screw you"?
Nico: "Can I take your order?"
WaddellCanseco: What's New Yorker for "can I take your order?"
Nico: Strangely, it's "I love you"

franks a lot: Domestic Abuse and Aladdin Bail Bonds...nice commercials
thejd44: Like A's baseball doesn't make you want to beat the crap out of your loved ones

jeepers: Hold me closer, crotchly bunter!
Take a fastball off your thighway!
lynnzgal: Haha! Now do the Hannahan version.
jeepers: You can tell everybody
your swing is long
it may be quite simple, but
THAT BALL IS GONE!

Rebuilding Season: Report: Joey Devine has fallen into a pool of puppies and injured his forehead. Alcohol and cuteness may be involved.
Nico: Apparently the dogs were shallower than he thought

ohtobe21likehuston: I feel a rally coming
One won lost won: Nice turn of phrase. I think I’ll use it the next time a BM is urgent.

mikev: Because he's like 28 and repeating AAA for the fourth time?
Satchmo22: then by god he's our type of fella

black beane: Nothing is happening
oakinboston: you sound like my x-girlfriend.

WaddellCanseco: I'd want something more than a sandwich for Embree
mikev: What if it was a footlong from Subway though?
WaddellCanseco: You're asking whether Embree's worth more than $5?
mikev: Depends on WHICH sub... Ham and Cheese, probably not. Meatball or sweet onion chicken teriyaki? DO IT.

OptimistPrime: OMG... be still my beating heart...
bigfoot
loch ness monster
back to back jacks from the A's
alox: At least one event has been documented on tape. Are you listening MLB?

monkeyball: Byrnes jaywalking would look like Frogger
Sliderule: Jack Cust would step into the street and just watch the truck come and level him, thinking it was going to miss by a hair.

mikeA: Speaking as an A's fan from 2005-2006, I'm unfamiliar with the term "jaywalking"
andeux: Think Witasick, not Payton

franks a lot: Cue "Dumb and Dumber" quote ... "So you're saying there's a chance!"
OldhamA: Cue my love life!

rickey939: Rotoworld has Kenny Williams running around trying to find a 3rd or 4th team involved so he could nab Street
thejd44: He and Beane should collaborate on the first ever 30 team trade. I want EVERYONE involved in this deal.

FreeSeatUpgrade: ...don't see bbg around here so much anymore. She was the writer I worried about most during last year's bleakness.
Nico: She tried to end it all by asking Crosby and Cust to put a sword through her heart – but Crosby missed and Cust just stood there.

 

monkeyball: Best. Team name. Ever. Mike Hargrove is back in organized baseball ... managing the, um … Liberal Bee Jays. I swear, that's not a CGV. I mean, even Googling it is SFW.
Satchmo22: whoa... they need a team store
monkeyball: and interns (OK, *that* might be a CGV.)

Morgasm: Its my nickname. Gotta love it. I was hoping it wasn't against the CGV.
lynnzgal: Trying to think of a variation of it for myself.
IowaA'sFan: Cunnilynnzgus?

mrod: So can we now say, pretty much universally, that it makes buckko sense to lock up The Duke for at least the next three years?
Buck Turgidson: beaux coups?
monkeyball: no, I think he meant "bukkake sense"... As in, giving even a medium-term solid-money commitment to an aging pitcher with serious health issues could end up all over our face.

buckfan6: Yea i miss ethier
Nico: We are dangerously short on left-handed hitting young OFers who might be good but won't be great!
OldhamA: It's the new market inefficiency.

HRH: Nice shoes A-Rod
Jennifer: He secretly wants to be an A.
whiteshoes40: Didn't he wear white shoes at a previous ASG too? He’s just jealous of our style.
lynnzgal: Trying to appear virginal
ohtobe21likehuston: I hear he's dating a girl that's "like" a virgin

buckfan6: Cust is Worthless
FreeSeatUpgrade: There's probably some silver in his teeth
monkeyball: certainly no gold in his glove

salb918: I guess if we have to get a pitcher, a dude named "outman" is as good as any.
Nico: Better than Walker or Balfour
PaulThomas: Or Homer Bailey
Nico: Or Walkoff McBalk
PaulThomas: No, no... It's spelled "A-R-M-A-N-D-O B-E-N-I-T-E-Z."

str8tarrow: When did we pick up TBD? He is scheduled to pitch on the A's site. Seems kinda dark and ominous in his picture.
monkeyball: Tampa Bay Dan?
green star oakland: Tampa Bay Devil, if only to hear this exchange:
Fosse: "Who's pitching tonight, Ken ?"
Korach: "Tampa Bay Devil, Ray"

Flashfire: Why do people recommend putting players at positions they don't play... like it’s just a normal, everyday thing?
Poppy: Flashfire, for your next minor league game, I think you should sketch the players.
Flashfire: Sure, if you like crappy stick figures.
Nico: Blevins isn't that bad.

whiteshoes40: I'm going to think that this whole stocking-up-on-2B-prospects thing is just in preparation for some sort of middle infield holocaust...
monkeyball: "middle infield holocaust" would be an awesome username
PaulThomas: ...for a Brooklyn Cyclones fan
(context here... Ed.)

monkeyball: Beane's gonna field 8 Figginseseses
Nico: They would out-steal 8 Hattebergs
andeux: Paul DePodesta did some simulations and determined that a lineup of 8 Chone Figgenses would run really really fast.
Nico: I heard the simulation had him thrown out stealing eight times by Octopusman.

emar24: "Casey Blake is a gamer," Dodgers GM Ned Colletti... Casey Blake has .400 gamer percentage as well as a 1.020 GHP (grit average + heart percentage). I hear he owns the biggest run manufacturing plant in Georgia.
Gallagher's Watermelons: I believe the run manufacturing plants were shut down by the Georgia Run Emission And Totally Pre-emptive Industrial Time Coordinators' Insight/Nuance Group (G.R.E.A.T.P.I.T.C.H.I.N.G.)
Zonis: The MAA (Mother's Against Acronyms) currently has a lawsuit against them. They believe there IS such a thing as a pitching prospect.

(on "How To Add A Hitter" diary)
OptimistPrime: Whew! Relief….I thought the headline read "How to add a HITLER"
monkeyball: Crushing defeat at hands of foes, check
Fiscal crisis, check
Resentment at outside world, check
Radical restructuring of system, check
Emphasis on youth, check
Invasion of neighboring territories, check
Uh-oh …
andeux: Just wait until the A's start signing the 94 Scott Hatteberg clones from Brazil.

franks a lot: Choose your own AT BAT Adventure
5Aces: But every path I try keeps ending up at the double play on page 72!
Philip Christy: You are Bobby Crosby.

Jennifer: Wow. Today really sucks.
GreenNGoldGirl: Doesn't every day suck for a pessimist?
oblique: Not as much as tomorrow will.

 

Good ol' April Casilla...

What to call oblique's funk band

I'm not sure exactly what was being nominated here, but I'm tired. Y'all figure it out.

Swooney's Left Foot's Dead Grandma

Nickname Of The Month subthread

Laundry

sprtsnwyn's first blockquote!

 

Diary Of The Month club:

Optimist Prime
Reg
Jeff at LL
74mk, sort of.

Commentary on YES network (reported by schmifty):

"Oakland pitcher Dallas Braden, you would think, there’s gotta be a Texas connection there somwhere, huh? He was born in Phoenix, Arizona! But he did go to Texas Tech"

"Yeah but… I would think he had a name before he went to Texas Tech."

 

 

And HAPPY AUGUST BIRTHDAY to:

gigglingone - 8/7
kaweahkaweah - 8/23

Another big A's News Day is upon us -- not as big as last week's, but still big enough to generate some terrific discussions in a couple of diaries, and big enough that some of us will be tempted to post superfluous diaries of just a few sentences addressing no new topic.

The rash of identical-content diaries that pushed all worthwhile reading off the page last week was extremely ridiculous, and I was (and remain) flummoxed as to why none of the moderators/administrators/whateverators said or did anything to try slowing the spread of the epidemic at, say, the 7th or 8th same diary. Instead, the scourge grew to (at last count) *23* diaries.  Twenty-three, over the course of a just a couple of days... and most of those could easily have been a simple comment in one of the many existing diaries.

All I ask is this (and I don't think I'm alone in asking it):  Help preserve the longevity of other diaries in the list by checking to see if there is already a place where your topic of interest is being discussed, and add your points to the discussion there.  Please do not create a new diary if you have nothing truly new to say, because when you create a new diary, other diaries get pushed down the list and off the page.  The section of "recommended" diaries is not large enough to accommodate all the other things that are also worth reading, and that deserve to be visible for more than a day or two.

Right now, the Blanton trade is being discussed in three excellent places: Zonis' post, which he created first while watching news on SportsCenter before anything had broken in print yet; a front-page post that links to Zonis'; and OaklandA23's Press Release post.  We don't need any more... I wonder if five more appeared while I was writing this...

From BP's The Week In Quotes:

"I guess I can say that they have engaged us in the past and I've told them that I have too many people, maybe not too many people with the same ability, but too many people at the same spot that you have a lot of dollars committed to."
--Yankees general manager Brian Cashman, on the prospect of signing Barry Bonds.

AON WTF, I would swear that Brian Cashman was wearing a Thunder shirt at the Futures Game yesterday. I can't find a picture, but it was a polo shirt with the word "Thunder" on the left breast under a small image of something dark blue with a lightning bolt... like the Warriors mascot. Weird.

SuSlu post at The Drumbeat: Duke still feeling ill, may not get into tomorrow's game. I had wanted him to be able to pitch in the game (since he wanted to... or maybe it was that he wanted to roll ripe fruit downhill at oncoming cars with monkeyball, I can't remember) -- but if he's sick, then no. I want him to get as much recuperative time as possible before the season resumes.

Looking ahead to the waning days of the season, and the approach of autumn...
No. No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Today's Daily Thing That Really Pisses Me Off:
A federal trapper hunting for a local mountain lion, which will be murdered when they catch it, because it attacked a hiker... who was hiking... in the mountains. Hey, the mountain lions were here first. Wear it. If people want to hike in Foothills Park (which I have done many times, it's beautiful -- or at least it was 10-15 years ago, don't know now), they might get jumped by the local wildlife, although very, very, very, very unlikely. And sometimes big cats wander down into the 'burbs, where they don't attack anybody, but are generally shot down out of the trees they climb to escape from residents' dogs. Don't want mountain lions or bobcats to wander into the 'burbs? Stop issuing land-hogging mansion permits for rural areas. I'm looking at you, Santa Clara County.

And it's official: McFood will not be attending the Olympic Games in Beijing.

AN is running really slow for me today, but since gigglingone seemed sure there's going to be a Monday DLD (isn't she cute?), I decided to oblige...

...by stealing a link she provided yesterday! Sabathia to the Brewers.

Apparently, the Cubs wanted C.C., too... so now they've got a har--- um, a hankering for Harden.

A-Rod's classy wife (pic) files for divorce. I don't understand why... they seem perfect for each other...

Shea & Slusser report Ellis cold at Coliseum. Oddly, that article includes no call for volunteers to warm him up.

"I talked to him," Geren said, "and he said his body feels absolutely fantastic."

Tease.

Duke to the ASG again.

"I think he deserves to be starting that game," Harden said. "Have they announced what they're going to do? Cliff Lee, is it? I guess he's pretty good, too."

Rich, you're so cute.

(For the record, starting pitchers will be officially announced on July 14.)

Duke deserves the start because he's MAGIC!

AP photo, I think, by I don't know who.

Dump away!

Let's start with LOLGalt from FoolshGame22... I have no idea what stupid thing the A's had just done when he posted this picture, but the context doesn't matter because the picture cracks me up.

On to the wordier part of the fAnPoSt. Thanks to a major assist from Jennifer (because my sense of humor was broken for most of the past month), and lots & lots of things that the rest of you tagged with "QOTM" replies throughout the month... and AN 3.0's hawt Search Function that enabled me to actually utilize all your "QOTM" tags... here they are!

 

Nick: So according to Baseball Tonight, the Yankees and Red Sox arfe going to play some sort of weird game in July where they combine their rosters and play together on the same team! No, wait—they were just showing the leaders so far in the All-Star voting.

McFood: EVERYONE thinks they are a "half full" person, it’s just that they don’t realize what they’re "half full" of.

Rickeyfan (after Cust's game-ending 11th-inning walkoff RBI infield single): Cust - "I just let my speed take over"... can a player get nominated for QOTM?
(Why the hell not? -Ed.)

OldhamA: You know something's up when you're confident with Crosby up at the plate. It's a weird feeling.

Nick: Every time someone uses "Crosby" and "MVP" in the same sentence, an angel waves at an outside slider in the dirt. Hopefully Vlad.

Englishmajor: Don't throw at Izturis's head... That's just not decent and sportsmanlike. Aim at his crotch.

iglew: Giambi's new motto: Dope like an all-star, thong like a rock-star, 'stache like a porn-star.

Brian in 317 (While attending an A's-Giants game at AT&T Park): About the sixth inning I noticed the lights at the Coliseum were on (but perhaps not yet taking effect). It was cool… like headquarters beaming a message to distant adventurers.

oaklandSMASH (re: Magglio Ordoñez): He looks like the adult Dora the Explorer.

Nick: Oh, God -- Lackey bobbleheads... I bet they need to put a shock absorber spring in it to make the head bob up and down.

(from a diary about what a "team source" had to say about Street's status & injury)
"The second interesting thing is that this 'team source' ... with his rather biting "some people see that as a save situation" comment, is clearly taking a slap at Geren."
Future Ed: how does Kotsay know about this?

WaddellCanseco: Those 1990 players were really skinny. I'm glad our society can afford to feed its people now.

pam5981: If I'm gonna have to be optimistic, I'm damn sure gonna do it begrudgingly.

SwampyD on Juan Rivera's bonehead LF error: zzzzzzzzzzzz oh I play outfield

Coach Cleats:
Greg Smith...7 innings, 3 hits...I'm not impressed.
Sincerely,
Rich Aurilia

Englishmajor: The ads on that site are a little ... strange. I would have assumed that people who were interested in looking at pictures of cats would not be the ideal target audience for that sort of thing. Could a computer-assisted ad placement service have misconstrued "pussies"?

A'sfaninNC: If Davis homers, I'm going to the bomb shelter.

oaklandSMASH (an hour later): Beane to other GMs: Trade for Rajai and not only do you get speed, but you get a Bomb Shelter!!

iglew: Black is white! White is black!

xbhaskarx: white esurance sign behind home plate... oh so that’s why durham is an absolutely terrible defensive second baseman..

(after Carlos Gonzalez' catch against the fence)
Jennifer: Okay. Anyone else yell SPLAT! on the replay?

Englishmajor: Actually, all my friends who are Giants fans are always suggesting we take Zito back

Roald Dahl Reference OTM
PaulThomas: I love Andrew Brown. He marches to the beat of his own drummer. He's like the A's version of the B.F.G.

Blessing OTM
paradox: Peace and bongs to all on the scene, didn't mean to get heavy…

mikeA: Exclusive photo of Andrew Brown riding his bike to the game

 

Nico: It's pathetic... And then the A's wonder why no one comes to the games. Who knows about them?
DMOAS: At least I know where my pants are today.

Blez: Damn... Should've swung at that 3-1 pitch. It was a cookie.
Nico: He was probably expecting a baseball

Nick: Who's grumpier: Jim Leyland or Bobby Cox?
ohtobe21likehuston: Hypothetical- are Leyland's cigarettes missing in this scenario?

Nico: Wow - Joba's debut lasted all of 2.1 IP... 62 pitches, 32 strikes (4 BBs, 2 runs). B'bye, Jobs
PaulThomas: Adrenaline: Use Sparingly

baseballgirl: PUDGE NEVER DROPS THE BALL!!! CHAVY WAS DEAD!!!!!!!
Jennifer: He might still be dead... Did you see him dragging his legs across the plate?! He looked like Lt. Dan when he fell out of his wheelchair.

oaklandSMASH: "Why did it have to be worms?" said Midget Indiana Jones.
oblique: Rhode Island Jones

(in a late-night game thread)
twinkle toes: OT... Does anyone know of a good site to find current defensive stats?
louismg: Now? You want them now? We're in extra innings. Focus!

Nick: I'm not big on curtain calls, but I think Eric deserves one.
One won lost won: with the attendance at the Coli... no curtain call, just an individual high-five with each fan

thejd44: The A's lineup makes me a bit queasy... Not blaming Geren, but, ew.
green star oakland: Yeah - that bottom half is more of a murderees row

FreeSeatUpgrade: Boy, do I not like John Lackey... He's one of my top three loathed opponents. But he sure is good.
Flashfire: Looking at his face is like staring into the depths of a black hole. I can imagine it sucking some of the focus away from our hitters.

easyraider: Hudler is such an a-hole... On the Barton play – 'bounced right into his glove…'
Flashfire: Well, it did.
easyraider: After he dove and put his glove in front of it

asfaninpismobeach: Do they make A's condoms?
Jennifer: Yeah, but you'll fail to score.

iglew: Re Chavvy's new look... He just had another baby in March. Maybe that's it.
monkeyball: Larry Davis is advising him to do some kegels exercises

CrackBaby: stupid sun... the US should bomb that shit
oblique:
The Sun: Threat Level Yellow
Nuclear superpower: check
Causes cancer: check
Disrupts communications: check

iglew: I'd like to see Keith Foulke on the same team with Guillermo Quiroz -- The Quiroz Foulke battery.
Flashfire: If that's not in June's QOTM listing it'll be a Travis Stieb

salb918: I was watching with my son, and after Harden's first inning dominance, the little guy said his first words: "Holy crap!"
Nico: I was sure it would be "VORP!" Or maybe it was, and you mistook it for a belch.

Flashfire: I'd love it if Harden and Duke could pitch back-to-back
tresselfan: Why? Which one would face the plate and which one would face CF?

mikeA: ...some guy complained about the jokes surrounding the matchup Wang vs. Ho, because the ensuing jokes implied a mispronunciation of "Wang".
CoryC123: I can see several jokes that could stem from that matchup.. Even with the correct pronunciation of Wang..
mikeA: So you've woken up with the Wang Ho before?

McFood posted link to article: Red Mahogany Paneled Cubicle with Dark Cherry Hardwood Floor.
Ice Cream: They're safer... maple panels tend to shatter after you throw your computer at them.

Zonis: Molina PROBABLY isn't aiming to steal
Nick: If he runs, Suzuki could probably just get up from behind the plate, run down to 2B and tag him out.

(Putting the "PT's quality posts sometimes undermined by his rudeness" issue into baseball context)
Hot Cup Joe: PaulThomas = Carlos Gonzalez... Everyone wants to see the kid hitting for a better average, but when he connects, the quality is obvious. It's more fun to see him in the big leagues, even with the occasional howler, than to watch someone with a fraction of the potential take up space. Plus, we still have him at the league minimum for the next few years….
PaulThomas: I'm more like Jeff Francoeur... I try to be disciplined at the plate, but periodically I just lose it and start hacking at slop all over the place. And my mistakes are magnified because I insist on playing like 162 games a season.

ohtobe21likehuston: Our CEO wears a Speedo and we have mandatory pool parties all of the time. It makes for a long day of trying not to look but then it makes you HAVE to look. Ewe.
doctorK: Time to update your resume

gigglingone: I just got home last night, and what an awesome way to be greeted back into the country…..lots and lots and lots of runs. And then looked again, and more runs. And great pitching. Awesome….
McFood: Was it something you ate? That's what happened to me the last time I came back from a foreign country with the runs.

buckfan6: When is devine due back?
oblique: Easter?

iglew: I'm having trouble squaring this:
I think he could be a passable corner outfielder … ... or DH if Cust is in left How passable can an outfielder be, if given the choice you'd rather put Cust out there?
Nico: "Almost as good defensively as Cust!" is not something agents pull out a lot at the arbitration table.

monkeyball: if he was healthy, would the Yanks dangle Wang?
Taj Adib: A damaged Wang is pretty good for dangling, but not much else.

smellofgrass: When is M. Sweeney due off the DL?
jeepers: About 10 days before he's due to go back on it.

MobiusKlein: Cmon, don't send him out, FTLOG
JediLeroy: $5FTLOG

Zonis: So you want more Righties, but don't want Jason Bay because he's right handed?
CoryC123: He's probably left handed.. He just bats and throws right..

iglew: So if something happens on some East Coast NL team some time this morning, and I don’t read about it till 5:30 pm the same day, that means I’m living in a cave?? Dude, some of us have real jobs...
monkeyball: what if some of us have jobs where we sit in a cave?

PaulThomas: So, your proposal to stop him from signing with them once he hits free agency is… a tire iron? Special Act of Congress? Bill of attainder?
Faust: Let's go with the Bill of Attainder... No one pays any attention to the Constitution these days anyway.

33SwisherSweet: Plus, when chicks ask him what he does for a living he gets to tell them that he sells bobbleheads. How sweet is that?
Flashfire: Then he probably asks them if he could see their bobblehead demonstration.

theblackpearl: We have too many major league GM's on this site, they know it all.
TheDogfather: I think it's called "Premature Exasperation," or "PE"... Ask your doctor if Milk of Amnesia is right for you.

 

Englishmajor: Francisco is going to throw a chair at Wash
thejd44: With the way he was pitching today, Wash has nothing to worry about. He'll miss.
drink409: hope Wash doesn't jump out of the way & let it hit the woman behind him

Nick: That was a good AB by Barton...
Nico: I'd comment, but I can't Seay the game
IowaA'sFan: You should get Daric-TV.

mikeA: Duke has horrible taste... those unis are an abomination.
andeux: That's in Leviticus, right?
mikeA: yes ...and wearers of black shall be smote.
monkeyball: if projections for (tomorrow's draft) hold, the quotation should actually read: ...and wearers of black and orange shall be smoak.

149: I think Giambi's mustache got in the way of the ball on that one.
thejd44: That'd be amazing since Betemit is the 1B
CoryC123: Giambi's mustache's range factor is insane.

mikeA: If I were a Yankee fan, I wouldn't be a little f**king b**ch and take over some opposing stadium cheering for a lucky pitcher.
iglew: If you were a Yankees fan, yes, you would.
149: pretty sure it's in the definition of "yankees fan"

mikeA: Jason Bartlett is a terrible hitter
nevermoor: But he's scrappy
monkeyball: But is he zesty?
nevermoor: Crunchy?
theblackpearl: Fourth meal?

Gaijin_Suketto: brokin' keyBord cutsy Pasty… mistake?…agree 100%…Grr…freakin' Street…pretend meatball…(and I usually defend him)…Geren's decisions ineffective…Barry juiced…Dana Demuth burned Us…Let's key A.J Pierzynski's car…
Nico: {keys Pierzynski's car}
iglew: {keys Buehrle's hubcaps}

oblique: So here's the new game plan: The opposition drops whatever Chavez hits. Suzuki drives in whoever's left on base. Got it?
Nico: Got it - wait, let me go over it one more time. Street blows the lead…
oblique: Like this:

Pitcher street = Pitcher.new();
Hitter chavez = Hitter.new();
Hitter suzuki = Hitter.new();
Team opposition = Team.new();
Array runners = Array.new();

while (!throwing_up)
{street.blow(lead);
opposition.drop(chavez.popfly(), runners);
for (int i = 0; i < runners.length(); i++)
{suzuki.drive_in(runners[i]);}}

 

jeepers: I am amazed by how little it takes to be thought of as a douchebag. Do we even need reasons to call someone a douchebag anymore?
Nico: {rolls eyes}... Douchebag.
jeepers: I'm smalltime. More of a douchetote.

nevermoor: I've always thought a jersey is a good compromise. Who needs so many bats.
monkeyball: I've found these new maple bats splinter on the heads of the punks on my lawn
Leopold Bloom: try a firmer grasp with your back hand and choking up on it an inch or so.
monkeyball: useful advice for oh so many things

Nico: And then he leaves Blanton in as the guy gives up four hits in a row! Where was Street?????
monkeyball: on BART... He didn't realize it doesn't go all the way to Phoenix.
Flashfire: That extension is still up for approval
monkeyball: that's what she said

green star oakland: Damn... I go to put Lily to bed, come back and they've scored how many now?
Zonis: man, Ted Lilly makes you come and tuck him in at night? People here in Chicago are so spoiled.
green star oakland: I just lullaby him with a gentle "Li – lly, Li – lly"

 

HOLY CRAP, THIS DIARY IS LONG. Are you still reading? The weather's beautiful, go outside!

 

Here, maybe this will scare you into getting the hell away from your computer:

Still here? Okay. Here are links to some funny things that I can't possibly abbreviate or contextualize:

"IOTM";

Lots of us sleep with Mark Ellis;

Pirate bar;

Sideshow Robin;

Jesus in the rotation;

For PaulThomas: QOTM, ironic division;

Nick: "And then David oiled his body, and took up Goliath’s sword, and shaved the hair from his chest therewith. And the people saw that he was shredded, and they said, ‘David will make a mighty King of Israel! And a damn good loincloth model.’" (by the way, I swear I'm not having a fling with Nick, or Nico, or Englishmajor, or iglew, or monkeyball, or anyone else who happens to always show up 53,000 times in the QOTM posts...).

 

From elsewhere:

Comment from sfgate article on Zito: "The way the Giants play their home games, they should wear their throw-UP uniforms at the next commemorative game!"

Heartbreaking Comment OTM came from LookoutLanding, following Felix's grisly-looking ankle injury: WHY CAN'T WE HAVE NICE THINGS?! (BrettJMiller)

 

And HAPPY JULY BIRTHDAYS (that we know of) to:
July 10 - saint (saintoakland?)
July 11 - Englishmajor; Nick
July 17 - ArakSOT; Squeaky (formerly cirquegirl##)
July 18 - LAXile
July 25 - BobbyCrosbysGirl
July 26 - griffisgurl; mrrickyg
July 27 - HuskerFan
July 28 - Kyli

(editing the birthdays as needed...)

Smitty pitched a complete game.

Smith, knowing his situation might be tenuous, said he was trying to avoid Geren in the dugout in the top of the ninth.

"I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw him coming over, so I was trying to move away from him," Smith said.

 

Rich Harden is relying on just two pitches.  I hope no one finds out.

Also in that article:

On Monday, the A's donated $8,500 to the Ravenswood Little League program of East Palo Alto, replacing the equipment that was stolen this past weekend from their storage facility. The Athletics will replace the 50 baseball gloves, 30 uniforms, pitching machine, megaphone, television, microwave and food supplies that were lost in the theft from Martin Luther King Park. The Ravenswood Little League is made up of more than 60 children, ages 9-12, from East Palo Alto and East Menlo Park.

Way to go, A's!  Way to fall down on your obligation to kids in your "territory," Giants!

Marty Lurie says the A's are the 2nd-best story of 2008.

The A's have two of the top starting pitchers in baseball with Rich Harden (healthy again), and Justin Duchscherer (a converted reliever). Harden can beat any team in the baseball when he takes the mound. Duchscherer's pinpoint control and off-speed pitches have the batters constantly off balance at the plate. Both unquestionably should be all-stars as the A's staff leads the majors in starters ERA.

We know.

UGH...

Booooo! Misleading headline of the day:  San Mateo's own Jurassic Park.  I thought we had Sam Neill running around with dinosaurs.

An offshoot of ImprovEverywhere:  UrbanPrankster.  I love this gallery that I found linked there.

Happy July!

 

 

It's that time of the month again. No, not that that time... it's this that time! With a poll about how friendly we are, or aren't.

 

Solo Shots

jonahbartlett: If the A's were a band... Mark Ellis and the Erroneous Eight?

(after the Hurt triple)
ohtobe21likehuston: Frank doing the Night Ranger... YOU'RE MOTORIN'

monkeyball: uh-oh... I just talked with the A's ticket office. They said Jack Cust is fielding all $4 ticket requests.

butler19: He is like Lincecum with good teeth and bad pitches

theblackpearl: The whole team is automatic, not a stick to be found

xbhaskarx: when frank thomas is removed from the basepaths on a fielders choice, is that considered a "productive out"?

pam5981: Bobby and home plate have had a falling out. They're just not close anymore.

doctorK: "NASA prepares for the Seven Minutes of Terror." When I saw the headline, I thought they were talking about a Huston Street appearance.

thejd44: Indians playing a "no doubles defense," which is just unnecessary with the A's "no doubles (or home runs) offense"

iglew: Pythagorean triple = Hit the ball, run to 1st, continue to 2nd, then cut back straight across the pitcher's mound to home.

(re: PaulThomas' sigline "Your 2008 Athletics: It's Nothing Personal")
FreeSeatUpgrade: if the offensive malaise worsens, you could change your sig line without missing a beat:
Your 2008 Athletics: Its Nothing Personnel

monkeyball: next in my sigline file: "I don't know where Osama Bin Laden is. But I know where the A's are."

theblackpearl: I don't want to step back from the ledge. I like to hear the echo.

Nico: Customer #7, please report to the "YOU ARE PWNED BY GREG SMITH" pavillion!

Kyli: If candy and lollipops and steel pipes were fused into some sort of awesome person, it would be Frank Thomas.

sprtsnwyn: John Donaldson? Or Old Dan Johnson?

IowaA'sFan: Hitchhiker's Guide entry - "Oakland Athletics: Mostly harmless."

(re: CSN bunny Jaymee Sire)
149: I'm sure she's very nice and knows something about something, just not baseball.

xbhaskarx: "Once you open that replay box, where do you stop?" Enron.

Nico: Zonis, you need to advocate cutting either Hannahan or Cust. I feel that any fanpost on rosterbation needs to include a Jack off.

grover: You wouldn’t recognize the facts about Blanton if they had his body mass and gave you a lap dance.

 

Double Plays

0akFoSho: OMG I am missing Ugly Betty!! Nooooooooo!!
rightbackin: is "Ugly Defense" not cutting it?

Donner: Framed by the catcher.
Flashfire: Dastardly. I hope he doesn't go to prison for it.

baseb3383: Headline: AN wills Cust to hit HR
Hot Cup Joe: if by will, you mean torches and pitchforks

(after bad defensive inning by both Cust & Hannahan)
justarebelheart: so i'm never naming my son jack, it's bad
iglew: Don't name him John Joseph, either.

Englishmajor: We've never had anyone liveblog a tornado in a game thread before. Go to the basement!
IowaA'sFan: I'm always in the basement! Duh. This is a BLOG, remember?

Imaseasonticketholder: Forget about the chaw.... what about his constantly manipulating his junk? There should be a drinking game attached to it.
TheDogfather: I think that would really hurt, depending on the means of attachment.

Nick: Ump is calling high curve balls for strikes.
monkeyball: Quick, get Zito in there!

paradox: Korach and Fosse sound strained
Nico: They're day-to-day

Joey C.: Must... resist... urge... to make smartass remark... about Emil's catch in LF...
LoneStranger: I would, but I can't type because of the LIGHTS!

monkeyball: What a coincidence! In high school, I played lead tambourine for Enraged Stupor, and I often sat in on vibraphone for my buddies in Decomposing Squirrel Remains.
green star oakland: I've often been described as the 5th Decomposing Squirrel Remain

ohtobe21likehuston: You need to spend less time in the hyperbolic chamber.
Nico: What is that, like, the 7,000,000th time you've posted that? It has literally ruined my entire life.

Nick: I see that Duke is still the Man in Black
FreeSeatUpgrade: He K'd a man in Oakland / Just to watch him cry.

Zonis: Trivia Question: Who was the last pitcher to throw a No-Hitter against the RedSox?
chipper1001: the dos equis guy?

(re: the wife wanting to talk during a game)
dathirdeck: I have no idea what she wants... All I heard was blah blah blah...
thejd44: You married Charlie Brown's teacher?

Jennifer: Dude. F--- AN 3.
andeux: Is that why they call it a FANpost?

alox: Scouting the Scouts now are we? Joe Morgan does not approve.
oblique: I never metascout I didn't like...

(on diary by Jennifer as she waited for her flight to Texas)
FreeSeatUpgrade: So wait...you posted this on the KCI airport Wi-Fi and included the words "bomb threat?" I see a secondary security screening in your future.
monkeyball: Homeland Security Threat Level: GLITTER

Zonis: Has that ever happened before?
louismg: Yes. Everything that has happened or will ever happen has happened before. Might as well stop watching.

(after a bad-called strike 3 on Barton)
MrIncognito: pitch f/x had it right on the black, FWIW
baseb3383: I didn't realize the right handed batter's box was black

athleticsBB4life: Canseco to fight ex-NFL Pro Bowler for $5K
oaklandSMASH: Who is the Pro Bowler? Please let it be Romanowski, please let it be Romanowski...

paradox: god damn it! This team bunts like I date Alicia Silverstone! In my dreams!
schmifty: are your dreams stuck in 1996?

Kyli: Mmm. Puppy waffles.
monkeyball: {puppy waffles} / {Blez decides not to press the issue b/c puppy wouldn’t answer fully anyway}

Zonis: How many pitches has Brown seen tonight?
Nick: Depends on whether he hits with his eyes open

 

Bench-Clearing Melees

Nick: Hey everybody! I can'
Nick: Okay, my return key completely killed that joke D.E.A.D.
Jennifer: ... 't finish this subject?
Nick: God, it's so dead that explaining it will just make it worse. And now I'm making it worse by explaining that. AN 3.0 can kiss salb's ass.

Zonis: GIDP Requested
Nico: Request denied, but pop-up accepted in settlement
OaklandSi: popups enabled in the preferences

WaddellCanseco: He's an A's pitcher... Symptoms include elbow inflammation.
jpl: Symptoms may also include severe headaches and nausea
monkeyball: If Geren leaves you in for longer than 4 hours, consult your doctor

Nico: No offense, but... No offense.
IowaA'sFan: What do you mean? I was deeply offended by that inning.
doctorK: Everyone should be offended by a KKK inning.
FreeSeatUpgrade: Just so long as Zonis doesn't put on his wizard hat

(after the end-of-month kRaZeE KaLLuP MaNiA!)
Kyli: That's it, someone get Billy Beane on the phone. And check if he sounds hungover…
monkeyball: "I called up who?!? Ohhhh, my head …"
theblackpearl: Hey Billy, Bob Geren called, and asked why is Shane Keough the starting CF

mikeA: I would have like to see Ponson vs. Ruth
laxtonto: In a hotdog eating conest?
mikeA: or a drinking contest, or a barfight, or a murdering a partygirl contest…

 

What the hell does "LS" stand for, anyway? LOTSA STUFF!

 

Purely Selfish Inclusion
(because, looking even younger than he actually is, Ryan has always been and will always be Baby Sweeney to me)

pam5981: Nice catch Baby Sweeney!
paradox: Baby Sweeney is better than Swooney

 

WB!OTM (Welcome Back! o' the month)

Sharon!

 

WB!OTM 1st runner-up

AN Search Function! (Although, technically, this shouldn't be a "welcome back," because this Search Function is super-hawt in ways the old search function could never even pretend to be...)

 

WB!OTM 2nd runner-up

ANtics!

 

Elsewhere-in-SBNation-OTM

LetsGoTribe's Eric Wedge/Casey Blake PhotoShop Thread

 

Something that's really not funny, but, I'm sorry to say, made me laugh anyway because I read a week's worth of game threads from about midnight to 2:30 a.m., and there's a kind of surreal flow to AN when you take too much of it at once...

pam5981
May 28, 2008, 8:12 p.m.: Can soy sauce go bad?
May 29, 2008, 3:37 p.m.: Had to go home sick today.

(I really am sorry, Pam. I hope you feel better...)

 

And I'll wrap up with the PhotoShopOTM, thanks to thejd44... Rich Harden's chinferret!

Poll

Would you like to see a list of "next month's ANer birthdays" added to the QOTM fAnPoSt each month?

• Yes, I like to be friendly and wish my fellow ANers a Happy Birthday when I know about it. And Poppy's polls are scientifically unsound.
• No, I'm unfriendly, and Poppy's polls are scientifically unsound.

  54 votes | Results

sfgate article on Baby Sweeney...

"Ryan is a special young player," Mike Sweeney said. "Go out and buy his jersey, he'll be with the Oakland A's for a long time."

I can just see it: Ryan is traded this coming offseason, and thousands of people try taking Mike to small claims court.

Something about the fact that the A's don't have Super Leadoff Guy. I kind of like never knowing what the lineup and/or batting order will be from one day to the next, but maybe that's because I don't actually care a lot (I do care a little... just not a lot).

Yeah, I know this isn't a Giants blog, but I like Omar Vizquel. That article describes an A's game and has quotes from Dave Stewart and Carney Lansford, so you can read it for that, if you like. (Nothing against them obviously, but I never saw them play.)

I really like Gregorio Petit, have seen absolutely nothing that I dislike about him, but that doesn't stop me from being yay happy about MaEl returning to the lineup tonight!

Re: The latest Zagaris blog entry (which may have already been posted here somewhere, I haven't been reading much this week) contains this series of images shot as Ellis concluded his walkoff jog around the bases... I love the second photo, how he's sort of just reaching in to barely toe the plate as he braces himself for the pummeling --

I'm not making a political comment, so don't freak -- "Ralph" just cracks me up:

If anyone would like to share the HTML secret code for a strikethrough (since the strikethrough button in the WYSIWYG editor still doesn't work), I'd appreciate it.

Have a dumptastic day & long weekend! My niece is graduating from Chico, so that's where I'll be :)

Happy Friday! And I think there's a Happy Birthday Girl lurking (okay, not-so-lurking, as lurking implies "silent") among us... Wheeeeee! :)

This'll be quick (that's what he said) because I'm trying to speed through my semi-job training program so I can finish it and start the actual semi-job, which pays slightly more after I "graduate" the training.

If you haven't August 31 already read August 31baseballgirl's AN Day V diary, and August 31 voted on August 31 a date, please August 31 do so. No pressure.

Oh, bloody heck. I just remembered that I can't make italics in WYSIWYG. So this'll now be even shorter than it was originally going to be. I have to use the HTML editor.

While I was reading this Press Democrat article about the goings-on with the Stockton Ports, I got sidetracked by another headline on the side: "Camel Slapper selling shoes on eBay". I'm very easily sidetracked. I'm also sorry the guy didn't slap a llama instead.

Joe Blanton updated his blog a couple of weeks ago. Where've I been? And where's his proofreader?

I have a question for a sports physiology person ...rfloh... (or anyone else, really... maybe rfloh doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, either, but he bullshits with such confidence that I'm convinced! LOL) Anyway... the question: Is the Perfect Pushup really a good idea? It seems to me that squeezing handles and rotating your arms like that while doing pushups would be badly stressful for your wrists and hands. I'm just curious. No, I am not buying a set of those, or entering to win some at an A's game. Please.

Okay, sorry for the dearth of links, but I have more of a day than I'd like to have. Do commence dumpage!

This edition of QOTM must lead off with drmmerchk's awesome Photoshop Of The Month...

And now...  it's...

 

One-Liners division

andeux: Crede can have a gold glove when he gives his 2006 Silver Slugger award for 3B back: he hit .283/.323/.506 (with 30 HR and 94 RBI, for the traditionalists) that year, compared to A-Rod's .290/.392/.523 (35 HR, 121 RBI).

Nick: That was a web cubic zirconia.

jubjub: "iMeat" - anything with i in front sells well.

ChadGod: I love the A's. I lose internet access for a couple of days, I come back, and Frank Thomas is in the lineup and we are suddenly the Uber platoon team.

Nico: Paul Byrd is addicted to pornography? So basically the only difference between me and Paul Byrd is that my windup is simpler?

FreeSeatUpgrade: I guess Paul proves the old adage - A Byrd in his hand really is worth two in the bush.

thejd44: Greg Smith should IBB every hitter, and then just pick them off first.

OptimistPrime: Scalping tix for an A's/Royals game is like selling reading glasses to Helen Keller.

Jennifer (no, she didn't submit this herself): Whew. I just had my car worked on, including repainted... wow. It's like riding around in a with 16,800 Sharpies open in the trunk. I was seeing Care Bears by the time I got home this afternoon.

oaklandSMASH: ESPN covers the west — all the way to Wrigley field. They might be wary of taking camera crews too far into the Louisiana Purchase and beyond.

kapers: I have to clean up before the cleaning ladies come tomorrow.

Nick: "Hit it where they ain't... or, failing that, hit it to Cust."

oblique: Come on Casilla! Set them down!! *This message brought to you by the society for the preservation of Justin Duchscherer's ERA

louismg: Regarding KICU... Am I wrong in noticing they're calling it "TV 36" instead of "Action 36" now? I wonder what contributing factors would have led to that change?

guapobob: But you can back into a hot iron while naked, blindfolded, cuffed and calling out "Marco... Polo!" Or at least I've heard you can. Not that I would know for certain, but I've, uh, heard of such things happening.

Nico: The way Eveland is pitching against Cleveland, I feel like we have three days to figure out how to acquire someone named Ronto.

xbhaskarx: can't find it, because sbnation's search function is still completely broken!

sbnation^search^function.... ^me

thejd44: The Jays announcer just called the ass his "kisser" - Methinks Canadians kiss differently.

jonahbartlett: Smart move by Sabathia.... best way to stop the A's from scoring - load the bases.

Double Steel: To bad we don't have Mark Teixeira at 1B. On a pickoff attempt from LF to 1B, it would be funny to watch Email send a Tex message.

Rotoworld qotm (h/t xbhaskarx): Miguel Tejada celebrated his two birthdays going 3-for-4 with a home run Thursday against the Phillies.

coffee roaster: Interesting... I’m watching the Royals pregame show, and Mike Sweeney just said, "God put me in Oakland." Oh, God - ? I’d really like you to put me in Maui right now.

doctorK (on Eveland's weight listed as "170"): That's 170 kg, not pounds.

FreeSeatUpgrade: salb warned us this would happen... Regression to the meanie. (link for context)

Englishmajor: Blez, you're being a good parent. You gave us the big cardboard box to play with out in the back yard, but you're reminding those of us who are busy attaching wings and wheels to it that it is just possible that our spaceship may not in fact fly to the moon. Fair enough. But since nothing we as fans think about the team makes any difference to the ultimate outcome anyway, I think we might as well enjoy our time in this beautiful spaceship.

 

Tag-Team division

Elvez: Kendall scored his 900th career run.
JediLeroy: And in his next plate appearance grounded into his 3000th double play.

Nico: The future is now because the present is on the DL.
PaulThomas: Actually, the present is day to day... Which is kind of funny when you think about it.

mrrickyg: RBIs are sexy. Walks aren't.
ak_A: (pins up paper on wall with printed RBI, hubba-woo!)

louismg: Braden... acceptable again? I think it's his hair that enabled the pickoff move!
IowaA'sFan: It hypnotizes the baserunners.

(re: HOFer Goose Gossage wearing an AutoTrader.com t-shirt during his broadcast booth appearance)
Nick: He should have just painted it on his naked chest.
HigherPie: At least then he'd still have his integrity.

miggy2k: Now Cust is a non factor in this game.
149: "now"?????

monkeyball: the only dangerous knife is a dull knife
A's Fan in the Bronx: Or the sharp one coming towards you really fast...

kapers: gameday says an injured arm. how vague is that?
BigTuna: Larry Davis - promoted to typing gameday reports

xbhaskarx: i could probably throw a 70mph fastball possibly with better control than zito. 
if the giants get really desperate maybe i'll offer to join their rotation for like $80 million...
devo: {psst, hey Sabes} I can get it up to 75... and have a pretty decent curve ball... I'd also work for $1m less than whatever Bhaskar negotiates.

(re: delay in the A's move to Fremont)
mikev: So, why did rotoworld list this info under Daric Barton news?
5Aces: They knew they were supposed to blame any move to Fremont on the A’s 1B. But they couldn’t stick it next to DJ anymore.

kapers: Hi everyone. What have I missed in the last 10 mins?
Nick: The cutoff man? (Oh, sorry, I thought you were Emil Brown.)

paradox: Thank god for a win.
HigherPie: Premature e-Celebration.

smhallert: Surprises? Wins Baby! Bartin will come into his own and be a standout first baseman. Ellis will put up better numbers [...] WINS BABY
monkeyball: RAISES BABY IN LOVING HOME - HAS BIRTH PARENTS PROSECUTED FOR SURRENDERING BABY TO LOTTERY

ohtobe21likehuston: Does Kotsay get to that one? Don't answer.
skutch: that would have been a long run from Atlanta
and
monkeyball: depends which US bobsledder is pushing the gurney

asfaninpismobeach: How much for one rib?
grover: Cost Adam paradise, not sure what it will cost you

lenscrafters: Obvious statement, but Santiago Casilla is effin nasty this year.
HigherPie: +0.00

Blez: Does Ortiz wear a hairnet? He looks like he's a cook at Denny's.
nhayhoe: He looks like he ate the cook at Denny's, then took the hairnet as a souvenir

(re: stupid naming conventions, like "Silicon Valley A's at Cisco Field of Fremont")
Jennifer: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Take this knife and stab me right in the heart, please.
monkeyball: you mean stab you in the Central Torso Organ at Jennifer's Chest?

BigTuna: slight like a little bit? or slight like a bus?
oblique: Slight like not being invited to the wedding of someone who you thought was a good friend so you spend your entire life trying to get back at them only to have them visit you on your death bed and ask you why you didn't come to the wedding, didn't you get the invitation?

 

Relay/Frenzy division
...because ANers are a breed that tend to be funny in packs.

mikeA: Brown has no command this year.
510inDenver: What can Brown do for you?
OptimistPrime: He can strike someone out and handle all my shipping needs.

(re: Byrnes & Tejada baserunning gaffes in playoffs)
green star oakland: ...but isn’t "touch first, punch later" fundamental?
Poppy: Ah, brings back memories of dating...
monkeyball: as does getting called out at third on interference

TimTimTimbo: Every time the Angels play, I root for the other team.
redwolf75: And when they play Satan?
baseballgirl: Gimme an "S".....

Blez: It actually said on weather.com that the chance of rain is 100 percent. Not sure if I've ever seen that before.
notsellingjeans: That's amazing. Weather.com is putting a hell of a lot of pressure on themselves.
Eggman: If they can't commit 110%, then I don't trust them.

monkeyball: pet peeve - "Schizophrenic" equals neither "split personality" nor "holding two contradictory opinions."
67MARQUEZ: Well that kills my "I'm a schizophrenic and so am I" joke.
monkeyball: just needs editing - "I'm schizophrenic and so is Steven Spielberg who monitors my thoughts through the implants in my molars."

dbeach13: so what is with lirano, just a real bad outing or is he hurt?
flipgatey3: he is not the same guy
Zonis: it's really a friend who just took his name to enter the US, and found out that he was supposed to be a pitcher.

(re: child with Barry Zito "Fathead" wall decal)
Englishmajor: He doesn't look like he's exactly pleased to have a gigantic Zito floating around his bedroom.
monkeyball: frightening in the zone
salb918: can't sleep, zito will eat me...
Jennifer: He'd be more likely to nibble you to death.

monkeyball: I think we should sign Santa Claus - Believe in him or not, I think he would bring major presents to the batting order.
kaweahkaweah: By sleighing opposing pitchers?
monkeyball: with nine robdeer

 

Honorable Mentions

Comment not made in April, but I'll include it because someone quietly went to the enormous, colossal, mind-bending, time-consuming, sweat-drenching, subscapularis-defining effort of sending an email about it -
jeffro: The more I think about it, Nico is right... castration is the answer.

Other Nico comment not made in April, but for whatever reason (probably Tokyo-game-induced sleep deprivation), it made me laugh until I cried... for days -
Link.

In other states of SBNation... Quote from Mike Krukow posted on Mccovey Chronicles after Zito's sixth implosion of the month: "If you missed the first half of the inning, congratulations." (another email submission, thank you)

And the Best SBNation Recap Thread EVER... sorry.

Thank you to those who helped me out by either emailing QuoteOfTheMonth@gmail.com, or by being Jennifer! As for other April stuff we might have missed... post 'em if you got 'em!