C: Kurt Suzuki--Kurt is from Hawaii and Hawaiians are hella friendly. Grade A

1B: Daric Barton--friendly but could be friendlier with the right person. Grade B+

2B: Mark Ellis--would be friendlier but unicorn duties often supercede friendship. Grade B

SS: Bobby Crosby--not playing well + still a relative newlywed = not very friendly. Grade D

3B: Eric Chavez--used to be really friendly but injuries and surgery have hampered him; could bounce back in 2009. Grade B

LF: Matt Holliday--married with two sons, "Big Daddy"  figures on prodigious friendliness in his new Oakland digs. Grade A

CF: Ryan Sweeney--see Daric Barton. Grade B+

RF: Travis Buck--wants to be friendlier but needs to get his confidence back. Grade C+

DH: Jack Cust-- friendly enough but a little too selective at times. Grade B

SP: Justin Duchscherer--as with Ellis, Duke would be friendlier if he wasn't so focused on the task at hand; knows how and when to turn it on/off. Grade B+

RP: Brad Ziegler--AN brother has answered all our questions and been awesome on and off the mound. A baseball blogger's best friend. Grade A+

But (should we reacquire him) the odds-on choice for Friendliest Athletic of 2009 will turn out to be ...

OF/1B: Nick Swisher--with Swish's track record it isn't even a contest. Nuff said. Grade A++

Simon Says promotion falls short of world record.

Other Simons say: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

 "Where have you gone, Joe Dimaggio?"

 "Mickey Mantle wet his bed 'til he was 16 years old?"

 "Eaahh!"

 "I want to apologize to her and the fans of Milwaukee."

 "I'm thirsty. Give me a cup of tea!"

 "If only I had been born Italian. All the best Yankees are Italian." 

Dump away.

Ha! You're out.

I didn't say, "Simon says...".                         

For all you Ray Ratto lovers and haters out there and assuming that imitation (or parody) is the sincerest form of flattery, here's your chance to declare yourselves in the first ever "Write Like Ratto" contest.

Ratto is the S.F. Chronicle sports columnist whose work can inspire admiration or derision. Sometimes both. Here's his latest column on the end of Brad Ziegler's streak.

The rules are simple: write a sentence, paragraph or column-length piece that captures the essence of Monsieur Ratto for you but at least it should include a tangential mention of the A's.  (Pseudo-hip pop culture references and the phrase "boys and girls" to indicate expertise as a teacher and sports columnist are encouraged but not required.)

There will be no disqualifications in the event the rules are not followed.

Judges: none other than our own resident Ratt-o-philes ruben sierra and monkeyball!

Prizes: are you kidding?

Decisions of the judges are final. In case of a tie, an All-Star game will be declared.

There you have it.

So that you know just how low the bar is being set, I'll offer the following:

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The All-Star Oakland Athletics from the last 40 years have been horribly mangled.

The vault of horror is about to open.

Who's next? Perhaps you?

Tales From the Crypt(ic)

The funk of 40 Oakland years

And grisly A's from every tomb

Are closing in to seal thy doom ..."

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Last month, on that day game vs. the Red Sox that was originally scheduled to be a night game, I found myself limping across the BART bridge (hobbled by a bout of plantar fasciitis) after reading on the A's website about their "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" contest.

I couldn't go to the game itself because my older scooplette had a half-day at school and I had to pick her up at noon but the contest was from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. and I thought, "Heck, that's something I can do."

I was the first one there at the booth outside D gate and the A's video production crew was almost finished setting up.  I volunteered to do a sound check for them and sang a rendition of the National Pasttime Anthem before proceeding to the real deal.

The crew was fun and afterward I got a "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" T-shirt for Mrs. Ice Cream. I made my way back to the BART parking lot with a little story to tell my wife when she got home and asked, "So what did you do today?"

Anyway, the video auditions are up. (I'm the guy not wearing a cap.)

(For those that know me, yeah, they got my name wrong.)

Oh, well. Go ahead and get  your licks in.

The 2008 A's (with the exception of Jack Cust) don't seem to have much home run power. Nevertheless, I'm enthused that the A's can go far as long as they keep hitting and driving in runs.  You know, that and scoring more than other guys.

So my question for you guys is: Do you think a team (any team) can win a division or championship or World Series without a lot of HR power? Are there historical examples of that and if so, what did those teams have in place, e.g. pitching, great hitting, particularly weak opponents etc., to make up for the deficiency?

Thanks in advance to all of you who know more than me about this stuff and know how to look it up.

Doctored baseballs, doctored fields, corked bats, stolen signs, greenies, steroids and PEDS,--all the stuff of baseball lore when it comes to cheating.

ESPN.com even created a list of the biggest cheaters in baseball.

And these were just the guys trying to gain an advantage.

What about the temptation of "throwing the game" for, shall we say, monetary gain? I'm not the only one who's thought of the infamous 1919 Chicago White Sox and Pete Rose. As long as people, money and gambling are involved--the possibility exists.

When will it all end?

Most likely, never.

And while new designer drugs continue to be created in labs trying to keep one step ahead of testing policies, other "fields of dreams" are beginning to emerge and may present themselves to those in baseball seeking a competitive edge.

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Paula Abdul has been keeping close tabs on the Athletics this year. Here's what she has to say...

(actual quotes from American Idol)

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