AN Confessional

Now go, and sin no more!

Fitting penance would include a re-reading of "Moneyball", or working up your own fresh VORP calculation for all parties the Hudson and Mulder trades. Choose whichever would make you feel more at peace.

Now go, and sin no more...

You're not responsible for your gender, and your opinions are valid even if you're not a stathead or memory freak.

Your penance is a month of reading Susan Slusser.

Now go, and sin no more...

As for getting punted, no penance. As so frequently happens in baseball, the game meted out rough justice quickly.

Now go, and sin no more!

1. Rally towels that bear the names of sponsors are not truly holy in the eyes of this fan. Having said that, I do hope that you burned them in a respectful manner.
2. As A-Rod has rarely caused the A's any significant grief, and is emblematic of an era of failure for the Yankees, admiration is a minor sin. If your soul cries out for succor, place a baseball in your left hand, and slap it out of your grip with your right hand, until the shame passes.
3. No one wins with domestic furniture abuse.
4. The path to true fandom does not require Extra Innings packages. For penance, you must stare at your computer screen while MLB Gameday fails to update during an A's game, without cursing.
5. Taking BB's name in vain is a grave sin indeed. For penance, you must repeat the act, but with Billy Bean, the ex-MLBer who has admitted his homosexuality. Then, you must make full amends to the Bean family, all while repeatedly saying, "Not that there is anything wrong with that."

For penance, take measures to hear the King. If you fail to do this within one month's time, you must endure nine innings of Hank Greenwald, without caffeine, while remaining awake.

Now go, and sin no more!

As penance for this and your lack of A's items, you must obtain an A's jersey with CANDIOTTI on the back, in "honor" of the man's 250 mostly unsuccessful innings with the team.

The shirt should not be comfortable.

Now go, and sin no more!

That's why everyone thinks I'm a lesbian. ;( because I DO wear my A's gear outside of games.

The lack of A's gear is also a minor sin, but only if you have back-up totems (aka, lucky shirts, you were something that's green or gold, or maybe a hat). If you do not have such an item, acquire one, and track it's win-loss percentage. If it fails you, you may need to replace it.

For the sin of incomplete faith and overreacting to losses, you must acquire a highlight tape of any the A's championship seasons, and watch it until you can truly visualize the A's winning it all. Only then will you have the serenity to know that any defeat is temporary, and the eventual victory will be made all the sweeter by withstanding occasional bitterness.

Now go, and sin no more!

Secondly, you must embrace Eckersley. He did win a WS with the team, and was the dominant reliever of his era. Acquire an Eckersley jersey, and if you ever have the opportunity, wear it to a game against the Dodgers (Giants game permissible). Do this until the Dodgers lose. Once they do, bury the Eckersley jersey in a respectful manner, toasting it with a valued beverage of your choice. Only then will your soul be cleansed.

Now go, and sin no more!

Your penance is to come to the next 5 games late. You may be in the stadium, but you are not to view the first pitch -- not even on a TV screen in the concourse area.

If at the end of the 5 games, you still feel that you would repeat the sin, you must do this for another 5 games.

Now go, and sin no more!

Watching from the concourse is still watching, and if the practice is more often attached to an A's win, possibly a good-luck totem for you.

Disrespecting the King is more troublesome. While he does make mistakes (no one is perfect), his heart is pure and his excitement is genuine. For penance, you must listen to nine innings of Hank Greenwalt doing a road game, without the benefit of stimulants.

Now go, and sin no more!

If you were truly defeatist, you have sin in your heart and must atone. Please reply back with your answer.

As for the autograph transgression, again, more knowledge is needed. Did your girlfriend share your fondness for Harden? If so, there is no penance. If not, you have comissioned another to do what you would not.

You should not attempt to actively convert others to your team while you are in the land of the enemy. Nor should you deny your true nature. Wear your A's gear when you want, and discuss Moneyball for the reason that any baseball fan should -- that it's just a great baseball book.

As for penance, you know what you must do -- come out to your friends and family as an A's fan. Until you do, you shall have no relief.

Now go, and sin no more!

For the sin of uncreative fandom, you must write, design, and display a humorous sign at  your next home game.

Now go, and sin no more!

> Letting your girlfriend watch something else is permissible, provided you continued to monitor the game. The Web is a wonderful thing.

> Choosing BOS/NYY over an extra inning game is very troubling. Are you, in fact, a closet NYY fan?

> The Giants will tempt you, with their fancy ballpark and their constant media exposure. Do not fall for their siren call. They will lead you into madness and despair.

> Vandalizing the neighbor or his dog is a crime, and true fans do not commit crimes.

> Cataloguing the team's bad moments shows that you spend too much time obsessing over the negative, and not enough time treasuring the positive. This is a common sin.

For penance, you should:

1. Dispose of the Yankee shirt and the Giants hat, preferably in a non-respectful manner
2. Purchase and display a large A's flag on your property, in plain view of the Giants fan neighbor
3. Write a diary on AN detailing your favorite 50 moments of being an A's fan. If you do not have 50 moments, you must begin a diary until you acquire 50.

Mascots are not baseball; they are sideshows for children. True baseball fans do not concern themselves with them.

Krukow and Kuiper... well, you're pushing it, since both are McCarver Light homers who are part of the Vast Media Conspiracy to deny the A's their rightful due... but we'll let that pass for now.

No, the true transgression is that you Broke The Mojo for Barry, so much so that he lost his no-hitter and his shutout in one cruel pitch. For this, you must atone.

In Barry's next start, you should watch the game alone, and try to channel his thought process until he either gives up a run or leaves the game.

You will do this by speaking in tongues to the best of your ability, to get more in touch with the inner monolouge that is Barry's gift and Barry's bane.

To prepare, you can read Mychal Urban's "Aces" or watch Barry in an interview as he discusses pitching. If neither option is available, you should watch the A's brand commercial with him and the younger pitchers until you have committed it to memory.

Now go, and sin no more!

Now go, and sin no more!

A man can not serve two masters. Mojo can not be split or shared. And love at the park is always best saved until after the game is over, when you are both mature enough to handle it.

For your penance, you must remember the girl's name, and then find her current address (luckily, the Web is a stalker's best friend).

If the woman is still in the area, you must send her two tickets to a game, in an envelope with no note or return address. You are not to attend that game.

In so doing, you will serve to unify your faith once more, and atone for your youthful indiscretions.

Now go, and sin no more!

Your relief is not within your integrity as a fan, and causes you pain. For penance, you must get right with Harden by honoring his Canadian heritage in a selfless fashion.

Before his next start, prepare a pound of fine Canadian back bacon and purchase a six-pack of fine Canadian beer. Bring both items to the Coliseum parking lot and distribute them freely to fellow A's fans, in a random act of kindness.

If your fan soul is still not relieved, explain the reason why you are doing this.

Now go, and sin no more!

Since the drop seems to be causing you pain, your penance is to go to Baseball-Reference.com and study the forgotten years.

Once you are able to name ten non-McGwire/Giambi players from this era, your conscious should clear. If, however, you still do not feel absolved, it is your mission to acquire a Geronimo Berroa game jersey.

Now go, and sin no more!

Giving up on your team is a stronger offense. Even for those of us who wrote off any chance at playoffs, there was the Dan Johnson sightings, the chance to see the young pitchers mature. Stepping out for the bad times diminishes your joy when the good times arrive.

For your penance, I suggest re-reading AN game entries from May, to see what you've missed. If that's not possible, find old game accounts and/or Ray Ratto columns. This is a harsh penance, but the next time the team goes on a downturn, your faith will be the stronger for it.

Now go, and sin no more!

Games like that are not for the faithless. The enemy will test you, taunt you, long to celebrate in your misery. You must rise above them, even if the A's do not.

For in the final analysis, there is but one thing to remember: we are A's fans, and they are not.

We are the fans of the team of extremes -- 9-time world champions that have moved twice, the team that traded away Rickey Henderson in his prime and got him back again, the fans that can laugh at Mount Davis in one moment and cry about it the next.

For your penance, you must watch the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" Red Sox episode, and not fast-forward through any second of it. When you are tempted to stand back from their fans again, you will remember this moment, and your resolve will be as steel.

Now go, and sin no more!

You must relinquish the totem, if only for a little while. Hide the bobblehead from thine eyes for the same number of days that you have owned it. When the days have gone out, you may once again display it with pride, for you will have earned it.

Now go, and sin no more!

As for what you consider a venal sin... as we get older, career and other obligations changes our fandom, but the changes do not have to be painful ones.

Yes, you make more money now... so you have access to more games. And when you go, you can probably afford better seats. You're not doing the team any favors by being a pauper.

Now, the more important question is this: do you care less? Will you still attend a day ALDS game? And when you go, are you checking your Blackberry or cell phone constantly for work-related activity?

Now go, and sin no more!

For verily I sayeth unto you, that the Phillies wander like blind men in the desert, incapable of knowing what is a good trade if it were to biteth them in the nether regions.

As I have said unto you previously, they are like children who ride in a bus that is not of normal length, but is smaller, and with more padding.

If thou still feels ill at ease with thy fandom, perform the penitent act of obtaining a Philadelphia A's jersey, and Wear It to your next Phillies game. Inform any that you meet that the wrong team left town. They will most likely agree with you.

Now go, and sin no more!

And while this view is not shared by all clergy in the Nation, it is the view of this parson that minor league baseball is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, since it does not really matter who wins and who loses.

The Reggie totem is easily mended, via the wonders of eBay.

Supporting A's based on their race is a weak faith. Root for Rincon as a child, and keep the faith that if things get bad, BB will ensure that the offending reliever shall prove injured.

Fandom does not require personal interaction, but if you do wish to meet them, you need to separate the men from their actions. They're just guys, after all.

As for your secret crush on Eckstein, it is understandable. As your priest in this matter is of less than average height, I am well aware of the extraordinary temptation that men of my stature present to the fairer sex. Now that Eckstein toils in St. Loius, your crush is mostly harmless.

As for your penance, by far the most aggregious misstep was denying them in May. In doing this, you only hurt yourself, but to ensure that it does not happen again, I recommend that you go and re-read game threads from those dark days for not less than one hour.

Only by accepting the losses of May shall you overcome them, and see that in that manure, flowers did bloom.

Now go, and sin no more!

Now go, and sin no more!

Instead, concentrate your concern like a laser on the A's as they battle the creeping menace of LAAAAAAAAAAA.

Now go, and sin no more!

Some of my fellow parsons say that there is room in the heart for two leagues and two teams, so long as one team is always prime in your heart. Some feel that casting aside half of the available baseball is to cheat oneself of the full glory that is baseball. And some would go further, and say that by cleaving so strongly to one team over the other, that we encourage divisiveness and strife in our Bay Area, as if we were nothing more than New Yorkers.

And yet verily I say unto you, why would you choose to patronize the accursed Giants? The organization that gave you Jeff Kent, Barry Bonds, and Alex Sanchez? The team that traded Joe Nathan for AJ Pyrzinski? The team that treats draft choices and young talent the way that an allergy sufferer treats tissues?

We are what we do, and who we roll with. Choose well, my children. Your very fandom is at stake.

And finally, we thank for your support of the AN Confessional. Please be sure to fill the collection plate when it comes by.

Your penance is to apologize to your parents for this behavior, if you have not already done so, and to take them to a game. At this game, you will treat them to whatever sugary snack you can get them to accept.

Now go, and sin no more!

1. Depression over the Giants season is a natural reaction to an old and decrepit team playing old and decrepit baseball. Your penance is to get an Alex Sanchez jersey, and to use it to change your car's oil.
2. Following another team's pitchers is mostly pointless, but 30 minutes of Leo Mazzone-style rocking, preferably in a public place, will put you to right.
3. It's only natural to be disappointed in any catcher that doesn't gun down baserunners. But you are chastising Kendall for something that he can no longer improve.

If you can not, you must accept that Kendall is doing all he can, and move on to a fresher target for your ire.

Now go, and sin no more!

As for the sin of incomplete faith, you must spend one week of turning off highlights of A's wins on any sports clip show, before the highlights are finished. If you can not manage the bad moments, you have not truly earned the good ones.

Now go, and sin no more!

As for your analysis of Byrnes and Payton, there is more in this baseball world then is dreamt of in your philosophy. I believe it's called "defense."

Now go, and sin no more!

Of course, if and when someone performs their penance, this gig will get even better...

Now go, and sin no more!

To atone for your misdeed, you must perform a random act of kindness at some future game, preferably one that's at least in the pennant race.

If your finances allow, get a couple of extra tickets for a game that you'll be attending. Size up the line for tickets, and find someone who appears to be in your situation during that ALDS. Hand them the tickets, and refuse payment. If they will not accept your kindness, explain to them that you are repaying a debt. Your penance is not complete until you succeed in giving away the tickets without receiving compensation.

If you're truly strapped for cash, a beer inside the stadium can be substituted for the ticket. Again, you can not receive compensation for the act.

Now go, and sin no more!

For Miggy Absolution, you must enter an AN game thread the next time that the A's are down, and attempt to pump up your fellow fans in a particularly heated and animated fashion. You must do this until the A's come back or the game ends.

To get right by The Holy Flail, view your next A's game through the eyes of a designated hitter -- i.e., do not move a muscle while the A's are in the field, and pace relentlessly when non-DHs are hitting.

Wearing enemy colors in the enemy park, even while keeping the A's closer to your heart, is a serious offense. To make amends, you must dispose of the Giants sweatshirt.

Finally, there were no good choices in the 2002 WS, so your prefence is not a sin. Having said that, it is still better for the A's that the Giants gagged up the game, if only for the sight of Dusty Baker getting what he deserved from Karmic Retribution for giving his starter a game ball before the game was over.

Now go, and sin no more!

Penance: Research Rincon's record of allowing inherited runners to score, and compare it to other non-closer lefthanded relief pitchers. You may find Ricardo is more lovable than previously known.

2. You live in a world where the A's only succeed when they score runs, not when they prevent them. Please remember that when the other team struggles with RISP woes, their faith is being tested the same as yours.
3. You question BB despite ample evidence of his genius, and yet your fandom is not total due to your unwillingness to Wear a loss. Consider the injustice, and strive to regain a childlike joy in baseball, that big deficits are just opportunities to make history, and that even the darkest defeat an be made lightger with time and perseverance.
4. Not reading the sports section is fine. It is all too often filled with bandwagon liars anyway.