FanPost

Mascot Wars: Episode 1

Recently, two of my daughters and I were watching MLB Network. As the "Live Look In" shots began to pile up, the girls started to notice the incredible lameness of all the various mascots.

"Dad," one asked, "Is that really just a guy with a baseball for a head? That is TOTALLY stupid!"

"If that guy with a baseball for a head ran into a real elephant," said my other daughter matter of faculty, "He would get chewed up and end up elephant poop."

And so begins our tournament... Both Battle Royal and To the Death! Mascot Wars: Episode 1, The Bay of Area.

In a remote corner of the galaxy, the three Overlords of Mascot Wars sat around a Chinese Checkerboard and pondered the next contest.

"Earth," hissed Speechas Flap, "presents several opportunities."

Flap, also known as Speechas the Ambivalent, is of the Boglin species. Scaled and with a forked tongue, he shot glances at his two partners, Dongel Dudujubee and The Bubbalump.

The Bubbalump, a three foot tall dragon like creature with vibrant red wings, responded, "It has been many, many revolutions since our last foray into that arena."

"Yes, cousins, but have we forgotten why it has been so long?" Asked Dudujubee, a short, troll like humanoid with arms so long that his hands scraped the ground when he walked. "The last time we staged an event in the quadrant, those crazy monkeys...."

As the uncompleted sentence hung in the air the three shared knowing glances.

"Certainly," Speechas spoke, "They have evolved over the last few millennia."

A vote was taken and The Three agreed... Earth would be the next battlefield, with some rules specific to the solar system. Round 1 was set for the San Francisco Bay Area.

The first rule that the Overlords agreed to was that in order for a mascot to be eligible for this tournament, and the immortality associated with winning, the mascot must represent a real creature. One made from the elements of the planet. As a result, The San Jose Earthquakes "Q" was disqualified and sentenced to immediate death.

"These pitiful humans and their love of cartoonery," hissed Speechas the Ambivalent as the ax fell on Q.

"Shall we begin with the Wharf Rat versus the Miner?" Asked the Bubbalump, looking at holograms of each of local pro team's mascots.

"I believe that is what Earthlings refer to as a 'seal,' Cousin," spoke Dongdel. "Why not just have them all fight at once?"

"But in which venue, Cousin?" Asked Speechas the Ambivalent. "Two appear to be aquatic in nature, three land based?"

"They shall meet where the water touches the land," Dongdel spoke in a clipped tone, belying his impatience. "The San Leandro Bay shall do."

"And so it shall be!" Exclaimed Overlord Flap as the three were instantly transported to California's greatest region.

... To Be Continued...

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