A Solution to the Territorial Rights Problem, Plus Other Pressing Issues

The long, cold, seemingly never-ending offseason has given me some time to think about the problems that both our beloved A's and our AN community face, and I have come up with bulletproof solutions. Don't believe me? Well, the proof is in the pudding. Whatever that means. Read on...

Problem #1
The Giants are holding the South Bay territorial rights ransom, not allowing the A's to move to San Jose.

Solution #1
This one is easy. In return for the territorial rights to the South Bay, the A's also are forced to take Barry Zito, including the entirety of his remaining contract. The A's are going to be bad, anyway, so even if he's brutal, all it does is help the A's improve their draft situation over the next couple of years. And the Giants get $46 million of salary relief ($19 million in 2012, $20 million in 2013, plus a $7 million buyout for 2014), plus an extra spot on their 25 man roster that they don't have to waste on Barry. Win/Win, baby!

Problem #2
The A's players are going to be a bunch of unknowns, and the casual fans won't be interested in following players whose names they've never heard of.

Solution #2
We can't magically turn our offense into a star filled juggernaut, or wish our rotation was full of flame throwing studs, but there's another way to drum up interest. Chad Ochocinco and Metta World Peace have shown that an athlete's name is malleable, so why not use that to the A's advantage? I can picture it now, all five starters can change their name to Cy Young. How's that for a rotation? And the outfield can feature names like Awesome and Legendary. "Hey, what do you think of our left fielder?" "Awesome?" "Yeah he is!". Billy Beane will change his name to Brad Pitt. And, of course, Who will play first base. I don't see a downside to this.

Problem #3
The A's can't develop enough hitters through their farm system, which would be the best way to try to compete on a small budget.

Solution #3
We all know about Dolly the Sheep, so why not set something up like this for the A's farm system? It's easy, really. All we have to do is have the A's first baseman have a hidden little needle on his mitt. When a stud hitter, such as Pujols is at first base, have the pitcher throw a pickoff attempt. The first baseman does a quick tag on Pujols and collects some DNA while he's at it. Sure, the development time for the player might be a little too long for 2015, but 2035 is looking like a very good year for the green and gold! Is there anything in the MLB rules banning cloning? I thought not!

Problem #4
Nicomikevgate

Solution #4
The two of them are forced to film a they-don't-like-each-other-at-first-but-eventually-turn-into-buddies cop movie together. With his background in Oscar/Golden Globe nominated movies OptimistPrime (i.e. Brad Pitt) can work the logistics. By the end of it, there is no possible way they won't be the best of buddies. Script suggestion: whenever he's angry, mikev's catchphrase will be "F-k the Giants!" and, of course, Nico's will be "That really gets my goat!"

I think that covers our most pressing issues. Thoughts?