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Nine is Not eNough: Special Fox/UPN/WB edition

As our beloved A’s continue their quest to be the first team in MLB history to have a 20-game winning streak and a 20-game losing streak, we hard-working analysts at AN continue to explore alternate lineups.

Yesterday some old dude posted a lineup with a bunch of guys who were great in the 1970s and 1980s. Psssh. Geezer. Get with the times, Joe. We don’t need that tired old nostalgia stuff. We need something fresh, something young, something hip. We need ... the Nineties!

Ah, the 1990s! The golden age of television networks. For decades there were only three TV channels. (Well, and PBS. Yeah, like that even counts.) But then suddenly new channels were popping up all over. Fox! UPN! the WB! And they had cool shows, too. Alas, it would not last. Nowadays, nobody even knows what a TV channel is, what with all the Netflix and Hulu and YouTube and stuff. TV is no longer TV. It’s all blurred together with movies and Internet in one big multimedia blob.

Anyway, here’s my proposed team:

First Base: Brenda Walsh
(Beverly Hills 90210, Fox, 1990-2000)

Naturally, our Nine begin with one from the Nine-oh-two-one-oh. Brenda got kicked off the show after the fourth season because she was too red-ass. Expect her to get ejected from the game a lot. That kind of fire is what our team needs!

 
 


Second Base: Max Guevara
(Dark Angel, Fox, 2000-2002)

What’s better than a unicorn in the infield? A genetically enhanced super-soldier, that’s what! Damn right. Oh, and she’s hot, too.



Shortstop: Buffy Summers
(Buffy the Vampire Slayer, WB/UPN, 1997-2003)

She’s cute. She’s perky. She slays demons. She prevents the apocalypse. Now she plays shortstop for the Oakland A’s.

 
 


Third Base: Jen Lindley
(Dawson’s Creek, WB, 1998-2003)

Yeah, OK, so Dawson’s Creek isn’t exactly bad-ass, but it’s the face of the WB. Jen is the least whiny of the Creek girls. I mean, if you had to guess which one would be a good actress and do a bunch of edgy indie films, and which one would marry Tom Cruise and be in the National Enquirer every month, it’s not a hard call.


Right Field: Jadzia Dax
(Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, UPN, 1993-1999)

Check this out. This chick used to be a dude. She’s some sort of freaky alien who changes bodies. That’s why Sisko calls her "old man", because she used to actually be an old man. The new body rocks. It has spots that go all the way down. (Or so I’ve heard....)

 
 


Left Field: Lorelei Gilmore
Center Field: Rory Gilmore
(Gilmore Girls, WB, 2000-2007)

Not since the Ken Griffeys with the 1991 Seattle Mariners have Jr and Sr played on the same team at the same time. Woo! rally Gilmore Girls! With both of them on the field for every game, we can’t lose!


Catcher: "Saffron"
(Firefly, Fox, 2002)

Yeah, I know. She was an antagonist. And the good guys managed to put her in her place by the end of the show. But there were nine of them and only one of her and she still gave them a fight, both times. She is sexy and resourceful and she will stop at nothing to win.

 
 


Designated Hitter: Dana Scully
(The X-Files, Fox, 1993-2002)

You gotta believe!


Starting rotation: Prudence Halliwell, Piper Halliwell, Phoebe Halliwell, Paige Matthews
(Charmed, WB, 1998-2006)

Fifth starter? Psssh, we don’t need a fifth starter. We’re going back to the four-man-witch rotation. With these enchantresses, four will be plenty. One of them can predict the future! One of them can freeze time! One of them can ... hey, she looks kind of familiar. Is she related to our first-baseman?

 
 


Manager: Kathryn Janeway
(Star Trek: Voyager, UPN, 1995-2001)

Step aside, Bobo the Clown. Now here’s the kind of leadership we need at the helm! You'll get no mealy-mouthed finger-sniffing bullshit from this skipper. She always supports her players but she doesn’t make excuses for them either, and if they’re slacking she’ll call them out. Unlike our Bobo, she (almost) always makes the smart decisions, and even in a hopeless situation she never gives up.

Disclaimers: (1) Yes, I realize some of these shows aren't actually in the actual 1990s. (2) Of the ten shows mentioned here, I've only actually watched six of them. But hey, admit it. That's more than you would have guessed.

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