Ho. Sale. Change! And not the typical "bring up the Rivercats" or "trade Barton and a prospect for Jeter/Pujols/Ripken/Mantle" pablum. Nah, that is boring. We need creativity. Positive suggestions.
We need heros. Eight losses is enough.
Eight is Enough! was also the name of a great show in the 80's, and it is where I propose we find the talent needed to spark this team to glory, and find the succor this team is clamoring for to get us back to dominance in the West. Follow along as I give some positive and viable suggestions for improving our roster....
First move, we DFA everyone. EV. RY. ONE. Bubye. Don't let the tarp hit you in the ass on the way out. Honestly, when you see who we are getting, you won't even remember Barton or Matsui or......that other guy.
Now starting at catcher....
That's right, Mr. T.
Weighing in a 260lbs of pure muscle and bling, let Scott Cousins try taking our catcher out. I pity the fool! And while he may run into problems with umpires wanting him to tuck his necklaces into his jersey, we will never have an issue with opposing batters rushing the mound or pitchers shaking off his signs. As long as he keeps rescheduling his steroids testing, we should be set with this rock behind the plate.
Your First Baseman...
Hey, it's the Fonz!
Why does Arthur Fonzerelli solve all our problems at first? He gives us the leadership we need, we appease the female A's fans, and if the ball does not get to the bag in time on throws to first, The Fonz will just snap his fingers and the umps will call the runner out. After all, who would mess with The Fonz? Heyyyyyyyyyyy!
Our new Second base...person
You guessed it, the second coming of "Tinker to Evers to Chance", Laverne will never let you down in the clutch, and has worked hard to put that incident behind her last season where she lost her glove on the assembly line. Coming over from Milwaukee, and wearing her characteristic "L" on her uniform to intimidate opposing players, Laverne should be a staple for many seasons to come.
Nanoo-Nanoo! That's right, Mork from Ork, fresh off a few successful seasons of Mork and Mindy, the first performer to pull of a full body egg entrance, Mork seems to appear out of nowhere magically to start so many 6-4-3 double plays with his longtime pals LaVerne and Fonzie (seen above celebrating after the 1982 World Series victory over the A-Team)
Now starting at third.....
You have heard of Brooks Robinson. But he couldn't hold a candle to The Greatest American Hero! Watch as he dives for a ball in the upper deck. See as he makes an unassisted quadruple play....in three stadiums at once! The Greatest American Hero may not look like much, but under that unassuming exterior is The Greatest American Thirdbaseman.
Higgins is the natural choice in center. His glove is as slick as his hair, sneaky fast and one step ahead of the competition. Plus, if someone tries to run on him, the dobermans will chase them down and shred their ass.
Lou Ferrigno, who else? He already has a built in road jersey, and the minute the team starts to get behind, he gets pissed off in a 'roid rage a'la Roger Clemens and goes off for 100 runs. In the minors he once high fived a teammates arm clean off, but once he calmed down he did help pay for reconstructive surgery for the player. Class act.
and in Right Field....
Mr Baseball, Tom Selleck. He makes the squad for two reasons. One, he has a big, swingin' bat that he has no problems showing you in tight situations, and two, well, it's in Higgins contract that wherever he goes, Selleck has to go as well. Something about Robin Masters being one of the co-owners of the team.
Herve Villechaize has posted an almost improbable 1.7900 on base percentage. And while that may seem almost impossible, keep in mind that many times opposing teams just concede 4 runs to begin the game knowing that with a 3'11" frame, Herve's strike zone is just "da plane" ridiculousy".
Who is our Skipper?
Come on aboard, he's been expecting you! Long gone are the days of miscommunication and ill-will. Captain Stubing is a master at not only steering the team through treacherous waters, but he has an almost uncanny way of diffusing any potentially explosive situation in about an hour's time (not counting commercials)
and of course, we need a starting pitcher!
The most crafty lefty to ever climb a mound or make a nuclear device out of kettle corn and dibs, MacGyver is known for having the biggest bag of tricks in the biz. He can get guys out with a real variety of pitches, and even when he is out of gas, he always seems to reach into that bag of tricks and find something no one has ever seen before. One season a few years ago, he had nothing left in the tank but was able to strike out the side and blow up a Russian MIG, all with pine tar, sunflower seed shells and Barry Zito. An undeniably amazing asset on any team.
Now, as for the majority owner of this amazing collection of talented players, we need a person with a strong but gentle demeanor, someone who can stay calm in the face of adversity, a man who can withstand media scrutiny and come out smelling like a rose....
Tom Bosley. His experience dealing with Joanie love Chachi, putting up the the hijynx of Potsie and Ralph Mouth, and being able to contain the ego of Arthur Fonzerelli and the frail ego of Richie Cunningham, leaves him as the perfect choice as the hand on the rudder of this ship that will sail into infamy.
There you have it folks, change. Real change. Ho Sale Change. And some new faces, new blood, tried and true talent that performs season after season without fail. Your new 2011 Oakland Athletics. You think you can do better? I pity the fool!