Here's the thing... I'm now making constructive use of all my free time by serving as an example to the female student population of San Jose State: Use effective contraceptives, ladies, or you, too, could spend twenty years as an undergrad! Unless you're just not as stubborn as I am, or don't mind working in a cube forever, in which case, knock yourselves out. Or up.

So if the August QOTM looks half-assed, plan on the September QOTM looking about sixteenth-assed. But I'll give it a shot, because it's fun.

Nico: I thought "beaned" was when you worked hard to become really accomplished, only to be traded for four prospects.

Leopold Bloom is funny.

devo (on Olympic swimming competition): the U.S. dominates everything, Australia is relevant, everyone else is just make sure mosquitoes can't infest any standing water.

Englishmajor: The A's have announced a new ticket promotion: Exclusively for readers of AN, it's modeled on the popular "HITS" promotion of earlier this year. The "SHITTS" plan (Seriously Horrible Iteration of This Team, Sorry) will reduce the ticket price for an upcoming game by ten cents for every obscenity or vulgarity in the previous day's game thread. In other words, ANers can make at least $10 a night by going to the games.

nevermoor (on Sean Gallagher hearing a "pop" in his shoulder): It's a sad day when our pitcher has more pop than our lineup

thejd44: Gallagher is fine. It was only a "pop" he heard. A's players don't need the DL until they also heard tearing, shredding, ripping, and little mini explosions.

One of mikeA's favorite memories of the season: May 24: Duke's 1-hitter vs. the Sox. I enjoyed that a lot. A lot. Duke humiliated hitter after hitter, leaving depressed Sox fans to chant in their heads "I'm a doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooche" as they proceeded shamefully to their favored means of transportation, the douchemobile.

OptimistPrime: Six Flags Over Huston... This is a freakin’ roller coaster ride I wish I were not tall enough to ride

Buck Turgidson (to ohtobe21likehuston): When are you gonna change your handle? ohtobeamoppupguy?

batgirl: Who is this woman they have broadcasting the syncro diving? She is really freaking me out—she sounds so much like Nancy Grace. I keep expecting her to break into a tirade about a kidnapped baby.

grover (to monkeyball): You're all tail & heart & poo. Someone should find an industrial sized blender and make the ultimate in all natural smoothie out of you.

kapers: coach for Japan named "OHNO"... he could be a coach on OUR team

Soaker: I don't know, the A's-Orioles game from Camden Yards or Charles Barkley's colonoscopy? I'll see what I'm in the mood for on September 5.

batgirl: Join us on the 23rd to see your Oakland Athletics take on Joe Mauer and the Twins— don't forget to stick around for CSN Bay Area's Post Game LIVE for Alan Embree's colonoscopy!"

(I bet Jennifer's all over that one. Ed.)

ohtobe21likehuston: The 2008 Oakland A's: "You've seen the worse. Not really. Wait until tomorrow…"

a tad askew: I am losing patience with the antiquated notion that the team with more runs gets the win. Where should I complain?

green star oakland: The meat of our order is scrapple.

5Aces: It's been so long [since the A's won] that I went to cue up "celebration" and realized it was on 8 track.

Kimberly: I played Sims for the first time in a long time today. I made a Dale Barton sim, then made him go swimming. He drowned. RIP Dale.

guy incognito: it takes a special team to make ordinary pitchers look great with the consistency we have done. take a bow, athletics, take a bow.

theblackpearl: I don't know who the cool people are... but if I look to the bottom of the standings, I know where the A's are

Trainman: Mark Ellis made the comment that it would be nice to get a win tomorrow and have a nice plane ride to Seattle. I think the A's should forfeit the game tomorrow and rent a bus and tie all the players behind the bus and make them run to Seattle.

mikev: When life deals me lemons, I add vodka.

Englishmajor: Watching WGN with the sound turned off and the closed captioning on... so I don't know which one of them just said "I am going to state the obvious. There is absolutely no reason to throw that pitch."

DCinWC (re: Adam Dunn to AZ for 3 prospects, including a guy named Dallas Buck): Dallas Buck? We had the parts to make this guy! Dunn could have been ours!

DMOAS: Bob Geren yelling at an ump

catfish4real: hello... this is catfish4real's mother. hes sitting on the roof right now and eating his own excrement. what happened over here?

whiteshoes40: Huston Street, you're breaking my heart. [QOTM, unfortunately still relevant division?]

nevermoor (how to write a rant): It is my belief that [insert incorrect statement] therefore [insert 1000 words]. In conclusion, you are all idiots.

Gallagher's Watermelons: Innings eater? Depends on whether you want delicious innings or burnt, moldy innings. Kirk Saarloos is the Hot Pockets of inning eaters.

Gaijin_Suketto: My conjecture is that if baseball ceased to function as a business, it would evolve into a religion.

A.J. "Baty" Pierzynski

andeux: People who are not affected in any way by the move can stop telling those of us who are how we should feel about it.

Nico: I laugh to keep from crying. I drink to keep from laughing. I cry to keep from drinking. It’s a weird cycle that only makes sense when I’m sober, so I’ve never really understood it.

QOTM, Radio Division (spotted by Taj Adib)
Ken Korach: "That was really like the tortoise and Lehair!"

thejd44: Can Emil Brown PLEASE not be allowed back into the United States? Please please please.
Jennifer: I can make it happen. But I'll need a dead hooker.
thejd44: I'd considering killing a hooker to get Emil off the team

Asfan4ever723: DL Duke soon, then use eveland/dinardo... then go to to that plan of a 6 man rotation, that will be all lefties…if this team sucks, at least make it weird and interesting
thejd44: Can we then call up Jay Marshall, sign Mike Myers and Kelly Wunsch, and get Chad Bradford back? So we can have an all-submarine bullpen?

whiteshoes40: The Chron accidentally said "Chad Pennington" in one of the articles today. Oops.
Leopold Bloom: Let's hope our Pennington has a better arm.

inbillywetrust: help...going to my first rivercats game... any helpful hints or tips?
FreeSeatUpgrade: Stay at least 50 feet away from Travis Buck

Englishmajor: I think the players have a pool on how many people will go on the DL this year.
gigglingone: just make sure they don't dive into the pool

lynnzgal: My heart hurts!
oblique: Perhaps you should call a cardiologist? Or go for a brisk 30 minute walk?
lynnzgal: I tried that... and now my ass hurts too!
lynnzgal: The walk, I mean, not the cardiologist.

OldhamA: Are they trying to run Ziegler into the ground?
louismg: Who else would you rather have out there? Ziggy can blog and pitch in the same day! He's invincible!

miggyk2: My dad informed me today that we won't be picking up the option on our season tickets for next year. Apparently this 10 game loosing streak has really got him pissed.
Nico: Attendance next year is going to be embarrassingly low
miggyk2: My family is not that big.

catfish4real: i'd even sell my grandmother for a decent bat prospect
WaddellCanseco: How many goats does she fetch?
miggyk2: she can swing the rake really nice
WaddellCanseco: The goats may not like that.

robbo650 (re: Emil Brown's AN nickname): whats DFA?
Flashfire: Dude's Fucking Annoying

mikev: Okay, this is ridiculous. It's really time to overhaul the ENTIRE medical staff.
buddahead9: Can they do it via a crappy reality tv show? "So you think you can be an Athletic Trainer?!?"

robbo650: why was duke taken out????
JediLeroy: He was traded mid-game for Ruben Sierra and the rights to Madonna's cone-bra

rightbackin: Are they trying to say that engineers have a ton of sex or they get no sex? I might have to change majors
5Aces: It could be that they get almost no sex, but what they do get weighs a ton.

Nico: AP story about new guidelines for Cincinnati priests: "The Archdiocese of Cincinnati has issued a detailed list of inappropriate behaviors for priests, saying they should not kiss, tickle or wrestle children. The archdiocese's Decree on Child Protection also prohibits bear hugs, lap-sitting and piggyback rides. But it says priests may still shake children's hands, pat them on the back and give high-fives."..... Hey, little 5-year old Tommy- you fell down and got an owie on your elbow? Let me shake your hand
monkeyball: but are priests allowed to give children terrorist fist-bumps?
Nico: Depends where the fist goes, I reckon. If the fist-bump takes place in the rectory, probably not.

thejd44: That was weird... Maybe Sweeney is getting stigmata or something.
green star oakland: Christ, what a palmhole

Brian in 317: From the A's website: "He is four innings shy of tying Grover Cleveland for the longest scoreless streak by a rookie"...... I think they forgot something there, unless the former President had a secret baseball career.
5Aces: What's even more amazing is that the streak was set over 2 non-consecutive years.

GreenNGoldGirl (re: folks going to Cache Creek for 8/8/08): They're actually going. I'm staying home with my six year old sister. My parents are suckers for that and since they won two weeks ago, they're convinced that 888 is really lucky and they'll win.
monkeyball: could your parents be convinced to claim Bobby Crosby on waivers?

baseballgirl: This team is awful!!!! I kind of want to beat them over the head with their bats!
Nico: Good luck making contact.

justarebelheart: Are we sure the electricity works?
Jennifer: Well, we are an A's site. We haven't had real power in years.

sslinger: I miss the Your Black Muslim Bakery Veggie Burger. Extra pickles, no mayo. Complete with delivery to your seat.
batgirl: if you can look beyond the kidnapping, rape and murder... it's a great burger!

xbhaskarx: my huddy trade joke fell flat
mikeA: I liked that joke. And, hey, don't judge a joke by its outcome. If you employed all the proper methods of humor but no one laughed, you should limit the recriminations.

WaddellCanseco (on "A's Hit Way To Seventh Straight Loss" game wrap): I made the mistake of reading QOTM before this, and I kept looking for jokes in each post. I didn't find them but I was smiling anyway for no reason.
monkeyball: we should follow that routine before day-game threads

mikev: almost as confusing as the NBA salary cap rules.
PaulThomas: I've never even begun to attempt to understand those... I follow college ball, which is simple—13 scholarships, and you can get whoever wants to play for you.
mikev: Well, in defense of college hoops... They've got a pretty complex player-payment system in place, as well.

WaddellCanseco: Shouldn't we save Emil for an RBI situation?
theblackpearl: In about another week, then

Jennifer: Huston Street! Weeee!!
LiZaRdReVoLuTiOn: That's what Youkilis said when he doubled.

ak_A: apricot? apricot apricot..oh yeah, i remember nice post. And Hopey is great name for A's fan.
xbhaskarx: not as good as Tradey

Trainman: God Troy Percival sucks... Two home runs and screws his team
iglew: That's a lot of scoring.

Colorado Fan: But who would you take in the Cage Match???
In the Blue Corner: Dickie Harden
In the Red Corner: Cupcakes Blanton
In the Green Corner: Mister GallagherDonaldsonMurtonPattersonCardenasSpencerOutman
We Win!
oakinboston: i dont understand... all the Red Corner has to do is roll to the right, suffocating the Green Corner, and then ask the Blue Corner to throw in the towel, causing an oblique strain, and he wins.

OaklandSi: Warm Springs BART does not exist. Even if they do manage to build it it will still be too far away for many people.
sf drift king: Have you seen the butts at the hot dog lines? A brisk walk will do them well.

FreeSeatUpgrade: Did you check the pockets of the pants you wore last night? That’s where I usually find stuff I misplaced. Perhaps that’s what happened at Wellesley College, where they seem to have misplaced a painting worth millions of dolllars.
salb918: The pants that Wellesley wore last night are usually found at MIT.

Jennifer: My brother came in while I was cutting up the tomatoes for salsa. Some of them were a little juicy and squirted when I stuck my knife in. The kitchen was a mess. His reaction: "Was there a murder?"
theblackpearl: I don't know where the pieces of my mother are, but I know where the A’s are.

brenarlo: Would the D'Backs be interested in Ellis? He's not worth much right now, but he could fetch something interesting.
monkeyball: the morning paper? my slippers? the tv remote?
Leopold Bloom: Peet's.

Okay, I'm officially too tired to do anything more than post the links to stuff right now...

Poppy has dibs on Cust

The DL record falls

The A's need AFLAC

Huston Street sighting

Cunningham's family tree

Dog Day lineups

Embree & Street's crossroads

How the A's scored

Diving

Grilled chicken

Lord of the Runs

Frivolous-Usage-Of-"QOTM"-OTM

Hookers for everyone

Goat filtration

"How the hell did a comment reminiscing about Bill King and Miguel Tejada turn into a discussion of LiZaRdReVoLuTiOn's almost-naked father??"

Hidey Fleiss

gotgreen's BobbleChavy vandalism

Poetic Interlude OTM: andeux's Fifty Ways To Leave Your Runners

Susan Slusser and Ray Ratto try to restrain a greedy monkeyball

FLAIL (and the exchange that followed, about the shard)

Image-Within-A-QOTM-Nom-OTM

LinkOTM, according to nevermoor in the 8/13 DLD

Flashfire wanted to say "POTM"

baseballgirl thinks this whole tangent should be QOTM

Anna Elizabeth Jeepers: The "O RLY?" baby (but I don't think so, because the "O RLY?" baby is creepy as hell, and Baby Jeeps is actually cute)

Staplehead

rubin sierra tagged this and he's got an honest face, so I'm including it even though as soon as I saw it was more than a couple of sentences long, I chose not to read it.

HAPPY SEPTEMBER BIRTHDAY! to:

9/18: salb918
(salbjr also has a September birthday, but I can't remember the date)
9/24: Rickeyfan
9/25: whiteshoes40
9/26: Ryan Armbrust