No matter how many times we have conversations like this, QOTM will still just be one big, undivided, unrated, filthy mess each month... But at least I have recovered (mostly) from the psychosis that was triggered by the Rich Harden trade.

And I haven't compared it to April, May and June... but... this thing is getting bigger, isn't it? (that's what he said) I think I may have to boycott Nico next month (that's what... never mind).

Ah! Fun with captions! I made them into LOLjocks by using roflbot, but, unfortunately, I can't take credit for the caption ideas...

By monkeyball:

And by Swooney's Left Foot:

Also amazing (Non-Caption Division)... The Bobble Village's tribute to Ziggy's record-breaking career-opening ERA!

Now for the quotey bits, in a pile that's kind of sorted, but mostly not.

Jennifer: With the sun shining on MaEl over there at first, it makes him look like he has been sent down from Heaven to rob Evil of hits and hand out rainbows.

Blez: Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Curve, duke, duke, duke of Curve... I would've said cutter, but curve just seems to fit better.

I have no idea what this is about, but it was nominated.

Cutthemullet: I tried to recommend myself, but I couldn't…that needs to be fixed. Narcissus has spoken.

calgbear: Emil designated that ball for assignment!

OptimistPrime: MaEl trying to bowl someone over is like a Geo Metro crashing into the Queen Mary

alox: Hannahan just had his photo with his last remaining fans. I’m sure his mother will want him DFA’ed before the game ends.

149: I was thinking, "Wow.. Barton and Sweeney are roommates? Barton must come home to a towel on the door knob a lot."

Leopold Bloom: Have I mentioned how money I think Blevins is? He's got ice-water pumping through those frail, little-girl arms of his.

Nico: Can I get two BK Broilers and a small Pepsi? {shouts into Kielty's mouth}

theblackpearl (re: where's a good place to sit at the Coli): Try the dugout. With all the injuries, half the team is unrecognizable, you could slide right in, maybe play a little ss while you are at it.

Kimberly: Huston Street, you're breaking my heart.

What's in Larry Davis' fanny pack? Well...

Mark H: Merit Light 100's, Snicker's, Pix of hot women he once dated/sort of knew (but not really), MS Degree from now-defunct online university, leaky pen from 1997, autographed card from Sal Fasano, Rabbit's foot, crumpled piece of paper with words "Lefty = Loosey, Righty = Tighty", another crumpled up piece of note paper "From the Desk of Mark Ellis" on which is written, "Larry – I know what you've been up to. One more injury and I go to Wolff with this. Your career is littered with the bodies of hurt ballplayers. Do you enjoy Langerhans starting in Center? No? Neither does anyone else. Regards, Ellie." , promotional condom from `88 Olympics, 1/2 pound of Havarti, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, 3 aspirin, 1/4 ounce bag of weed, carefully folded up bag with remnants of last bag of weed, St. Pauli Girl opener, 2 lighters (both not working), matches from Francesco's, address book, gold necklace with Christ-on-a-Cross, resin-coated glass pipe, and sourdough bread crumbs. I think that's it.

AsFanInLA: A Visine bottle filled with sunscreen

Nico: Christ - I'm surprised one of our players can even hit the bottom of a shallow swimming pool.

theblackpearl: If Billy Beane read AN on a daily basis, Carlos Gonzalez and Ryan Sweeney would be in the outfield, only Mark Ellis would be in the infield, and Ziggy on the mound. Everyone else would be DFA'd.

Leopold Bloom: I get the feeling that if I had, say, a room full of bodies that needed to disappear, Stern would be preferable to Selig. In fact, he might be the first phone call.

Englishmajor's #1 comment on this diary.

Nico: Headline: A'S LOSE FORFEIT WHEN PLAYERS NEGLECT TO TOUCH HOME PLATE
"That's all they had to do," Commissioner Bud Selig said, his head shaking in disbelief. "When I got to the ballpark, though, the 3Bman was lying face down in the grass, and the 1Bman was diving head first off the dugout roof into an empty bucket. So I decided to declare the game a tie."

monkeyball (re: some tri-state killing spree perp that FSU *wrongly* thinks looks like Mark Ellis): Fortunately, this is his age-28 year. His killing productivity is likely to decline. Impressive range, though.

gigglingone: I want to see Outman marry Striker's sister, and then their kids would be named Striker-Outman. That would be awesome.

Swooney's Left Foot: If I created a new name every time an A got hurt, I would do nothing else.

A'sfaninNC (on an incoherent vegasgm diary)(yes, that was redundant): Just for fun I tried to copy and paste this post over to Word, but my computer gave me the finger.

OaklandSi: Cotroneo mentioned that Thomas and MSweeney might be activated soon, to "bring reinforcements over the hill." Might be more accurate to say that such reinforcements are "over the hill."

PaulThomas: The Lidle crash was Billy's fault? Damn, now I have to cancel my order of "Beane is my co-pilot" stickers.

Nico: How long until Blanton and Ryan Howard have an eating contest (to see who can eat the other)?

74mk: Headline: grover Calls Street Dickhead

elhefe: It's a bourbon - called Blanton's... But you choke after a fifth.

stormtown: I could do without Tony Gwynn telling me I'm going to die, also.

nevermoor: On AN anything that isn't "best in MLB history by a wide margin" is "above average." As an example, someone was rating our team a month or so ago, put our defense as #2 in baseball, and gave it "a tic above average." If his WHIP was 0.5 then it would be "fine to good" and 0.1 would be "good, but unsustainable."

Joey C.: Jack Hannahan and Donnie Murphy back-to-back... "A rally was found murdered in Oakland. Police have 2 suspects."

jeepers: Prince Fielder is a vegetarian? Did pork become a vegetable when I wasn't looking?

Nico: El Paso's user name is ohtobelikehouston.

rubin sierra: I blame you... Billy read your comment about his setting the bar too high for Blanton and then lowered it. Two hours ago, I tried briefly to compose a reply warning that Billy could also set the bar too low, but there was a glitch and my reply didn’t post. "Oh well," I thought, never imagining that my failure to reply would change the course of A’s history.

oakinboston (to a new user): I notice that you have 6 comments. You should have at least 7 fAnPoSTs by now.

Flashfire: E-mail's in my profile if you want to touch bases and work it out.
Nico: Eric Byrnes' email is in his profile, so how come he doesn't want to touch bases?

RIPHalsey: "Fear Mecir"... Still one of my favorite ballpark signs
KMoAsFan: Yeah me too. Except as A's fans, I think we were the only ones in the ballpark "fearing" Mecir.

Jennifer: RyRy, you suck. You can forget about fathering my children, loser.
monkeyball: So, he already has fathered them, you just don't want him to remember it?

SwampyD: This team is going to be so good in two years.
Nico: Or will have a heck of a DL.

pam5981: Well, this looks promising...
ohtobe21likehuston: Does promising mean "shitty" in California?

jeepers: Definately. The A's should bundt more, 2.
Gaijin_Suketto: less Cupcakes, more Bundt!

PaulThomas: There is no truth in La Verdad?
Poppy: Just verdadiness.
PaulThomas: Who's your verdaddy?

IowaA'sFan: If I had a son, I was going to name him Hudson. But I had a girl.
gigglingone: Did you name her Huddaughter?

PaulThomas: I find it surprisingly annoying that fangraphs refuses to recognize "Greg Smith" as Greg Smith, and forces you to actually literally type "Gregory" Smith.
mikeA: fangraphs is run by Smith's mom

One won lost won: And, AN should have organized a "Welcome BACK!" for the Athletics at the airport!! Except, I’m not sure if they fly into Oakland….wouldn’t that be embarassing!!
Nico: They'll probably fly into Sacramento out of habit

briandouglas (at the end of a long rant): I'm going to go rant at my dog now.
Flashfire: I bet I know what your dog will be thinking... "Sausages? Sausages! Please, sausages!"

oaklandSMASH: Swooney: "Isn’t this your fourteenth rootbeer float today?"
Leopold Bloom: "Quiet, root beer monkey! And take off your pants!"

jubjub: It's 7AM here on the other side of the pond and no one was traded overnight. Missing all the games due to the time difference is one thing, but all these trades while I sleep have felt like someone keeps breaking into my house overnight and stealing my house plants and replacing them with seeds and a jug of miracle grow.
whiteshoes40: I watered our roses with Miracle Grow a few weeks ago and now they're almost as tall as me… so that's gotta be a good sign, right? With this method, the new players will at least grow to be 6' tall. As for baseball skills, well, I haven't tested the roses on that yet. We'll see.

solotar: What exactly does Cust have to hit to lose his job?
WaddellCanseco: Beane's daughter?

baseballgirl: I hate the offense, but I love me Ryan Sweeney!
One won lost won: Hate? Love? Such strong descriptions for a game played only for entertainment. Now, if you played that Aztec "ball game" where the losers lost their lives, you might be saying those things.
baseballgirl: No, I'm pretty sure I hate the A's offense.

Poppy (re: guy whose "mountain lion attack" claim proved to be false, after county officials dispatched hunters to track the cat down): So I got all pissed off for nothing? I'm gonna go kick that guy's ass.
monkeyball: Then he really *will* have been attacked by a cougar!

PaulThomas: What does Patterson and Gallagher sound like? A bad cop show?
andeux: A triple-A baseball team

green star oakland: But it has to be a 3-way including StL so we can get Pujols too.
Swooney's Left Foot: Most 3-ways involve poo holes

Poppy: Damn AN 3.0... That was supposed to be a reply to andeux.
popcornjames: What am I, chopped Langerhans?

WaddellCanseco: When you have a chance to get a guy like Gallagher, you take it! Did Beane really say that?
BigTuna: No, his Supercuts bowlcut did

Jennifer: HOERUN!! WOOT!
monkeyball: Are you trying to scare away Swooney's girlfriend?
(I think that one is my favorite because of the awesome mental image I get: Jennifer, eyes blazing, brandishing a shotgun while leaning out the window of her onrushing car...)

Morgasm: injury delay... Who was injured?
Taj Adib: Cy Young. Apparently he's dead!

jwnewman: I had to poop like 30 minutes ago, but this game is soo exciting that I don't have to anymore.
theblackpearl: You must be an Angels fan, because you are FOS.

monkeyball: maple bat imbroglio... Wasn't that Ice Cream's sigline at some point?
5Aces: No- He was the guy the Cubs traded Lou Brock for.
(If anyone would like to explain that pun to me, go for it.)

Flashfire: We need more 71-year olds throwing BP
gigglingone: can't... they are all starting for the Giants

xbhaskarx (in the fAnPoSt Etiquette diary): can you please delete this diary? it's taking up a valuable spot in the recommended diaries section.
Nico: Comments like yours push important comments like this down farther on the page.

PaulThomas: I'm guessing the Cardinals aren't really feeling a burning need for a first baseman right now.
monkeyball: Christ, what a Pujols

ChrisB: Hmmm... On paper it does not make much sense. Let’s hope there is more in the works
ru155: maybe the Cubs threw in Wrigley for our Fremont location

ohtobe21likehuston (re: the All-Star Game): My local news just pre-empted. WTF??
Flashfire: Is the anchorwoman named Heidi?

Kimberly: I want to give Dan Uggla a hug. Poor boy.
Hit4TheCycle: A Huggla?

In a CurveballKing diary: A season of mediocrity gives us our first big chance to turn Michael Inoa into The Great Pumpkin: a supernatural, possibly-fictional savior whose velocity and pinpoint control will solve all our problems and make life worth living again. I foresee at least three or four seasons in which all of us can be Linus sitting in the pumpkin patch on Halloween, telling our respective Sallies about how while He didn't come last year or the year before, The Great Pumpkin is sure to arrive any minute to pass out toys to all the good little children and lead Oakland into postseason glory.
FreeSeatUpgrade: Just wait, you'll see! The Coliseum is the most sincere concrete patch anywhere!

Jennifer: Franky-Frank in.
Nico: He throws fastball, slider, curve, and furniture.

ohtobe21likehuston: At least it's not past midnight where you are!
oblique: You should change your username to ohtobe10:00likeoakland

athleticsBB4life: Ellis has been suckin' for some time now. AN needs to start ridin’ this guy…it’s only fair
Joey C.: If you have a panic room, I suggest you go to it now

Swooney's Left Foot: Murton still not on Sacramento roster. It’s been almost 72 hours.
Nick: Did Chicago get a tracking number for him?

WaddellCanseco: The Royals guy says Street reminds him of Eckersley
Poppy: He means Street came up to him and said, "Remember Eckersley?"

stranahanahan: I don't want to lose Duke, but Poreda will blow guys away in 3 years, guaranteed…
Nico: We didn't mean to rain on your Poreda

mikeA (re: what's for dinner?): Giant tupperware-ful of coleslaw…......
ohtobe21likehuston: Disappointing. I thought you would have A's tupperware?

RenoTy: There sure don't seem to be many fans left…Were there any tonight?
mikev: Dozens.

Gaijin_Suketto: How come Australia and England didn't get into a punch-up during the Bodyline incident? If something like that had happened in baseball, benches would have been cleared and there would have been a pile of bodies on the middle of the field…
Dalesman: Because it just wouldn't have been Cricket, old man.

Nico: Screw you. Which is New Yorker for I love you.
WaddellCanseco: What's New Yorker for "screw you"?
Nico: "Can I take your order?"
WaddellCanseco: What's New Yorker for "can I take your order?"
Nico: Strangely, it's "I love you"

franks a lot: Domestic Abuse and Aladdin Bail Bonds...nice commercials
thejd44: Like A's baseball doesn't make you want to beat the crap out of your loved ones

jeepers: Hold me closer, crotchly bunter!
Take a fastball off your thighway!
lynnzgal: Haha! Now do the Hannahan version.
jeepers: You can tell everybody
your swing is long
it may be quite simple, but
THAT BALL IS GONE!

Rebuilding Season: Report: Joey Devine has fallen into a pool of puppies and injured his forehead. Alcohol and cuteness may be involved.
Nico: Apparently the dogs were shallower than he thought

ohtobe21likehuston: I feel a rally coming
One won lost won: Nice turn of phrase. I think I’ll use it the next time a BM is urgent.

mikev: Because he's like 28 and repeating AAA for the fourth time?
Satchmo22: then by god he's our type of fella

black beane: Nothing is happening
oakinboston: you sound like my x-girlfriend.

WaddellCanseco: I'd want something more than a sandwich for Embree
mikev: What if it was a footlong from Subway though?
WaddellCanseco: You're asking whether Embree's worth more than $5?
mikev: Depends on WHICH sub... Ham and Cheese, probably not. Meatball or sweet onion chicken teriyaki? DO IT.

OptimistPrime: OMG... be still my beating heart...
bigfoot
loch ness monster
back to back jacks from the A's
alox: At least one event has been documented on tape. Are you listening MLB?

monkeyball: Byrnes jaywalking would look like Frogger
Sliderule: Jack Cust would step into the street and just watch the truck come and level him, thinking it was going to miss by a hair.

mikeA: Speaking as an A's fan from 2005-2006, I'm unfamiliar with the term "jaywalking"
andeux: Think Witasick, not Payton

franks a lot: Cue "Dumb and Dumber" quote ... "So you're saying there's a chance!"
OldhamA: Cue my love life!

rickey939: Rotoworld has Kenny Williams running around trying to find a 3rd or 4th team involved so he could nab Street
thejd44: He and Beane should collaborate on the first ever 30 team trade. I want EVERYONE involved in this deal.

FreeSeatUpgrade: ...don't see bbg around here so much anymore. She was the writer I worried about most during last year's bleakness.
Nico: She tried to end it all by asking Crosby and Cust to put a sword through her heart – but Crosby missed and Cust just stood there.

monkeyball: Best. Team name. Ever. Mike Hargrove is back in organized baseball ... managing the, um … Liberal Bee Jays. I swear, that's not a CGV. I mean, even Googling it is SFW.
Satchmo22: whoa... they need a team store
monkeyball: and interns (OK, *that* might be a CGV.)

Morgasm: Its my nickname. Gotta love it. I was hoping it wasn't against the CGV.
lynnzgal: Trying to think of a variation of it for myself.
IowaA'sFan: Cunnilynnzgus?

mrod: So can we now say, pretty much universally, that it makes buckko sense to lock up The Duke for at least the next three years?
Buck Turgidson: beaux coups?
monkeyball: no, I think he meant "bukkake sense"... As in, giving even a medium-term solid-money commitment to an aging pitcher with serious health issues could end up all over our face.

buckfan6: Yea i miss ethier
Nico: We are dangerously short on left-handed hitting young OFers who might be good but won't be great!
OldhamA: It's the new market inefficiency.

HRH: Nice shoes A-Rod
Jennifer: He secretly wants to be an A.
whiteshoes40: Didn't he wear white shoes at a previous ASG too? He’s just jealous of our style.
lynnzgal: Trying to appear virginal
ohtobe21likehuston: I hear he's dating a girl that's "like" a virgin

buckfan6: Cust is Worthless
FreeSeatUpgrade: There's probably some silver in his teeth
monkeyball: certainly no gold in his glove

salb918: I guess if we have to get a pitcher, a dude named "outman" is as good as any.
Nico: Better than Walker or Balfour
PaulThomas: Or Homer Bailey
Nico: Or Walkoff McBalk
PaulThomas: No, no... It's spelled "A-R-M-A-N-D-O B-E-N-I-T-E-Z."

str8tarrow: When did we pick up TBD? He is scheduled to pitch on the A's site. Seems kinda dark and ominous in his picture.
monkeyball: Tampa Bay Dan?
green star oakland: Tampa Bay Devil, if only to hear this exchange:
Fosse: "Who's pitching tonight, Ken ?"
Korach: "Tampa Bay Devil, Ray"

Flashfire: Why do people recommend putting players at positions they don't play... like it’s just a normal, everyday thing?
Poppy: Flashfire, for your next minor league game, I think you should sketch the players.
Flashfire: Sure, if you like crappy stick figures.
Nico: Blevins isn't that bad.

whiteshoes40: I'm going to think that this whole stocking-up-on-2B-prospects thing is just in preparation for some sort of middle infield holocaust...
monkeyball: "middle infield holocaust" would be an awesome username
PaulThomas: ...for a Brooklyn Cyclones fan
(context here... Ed.)

monkeyball: Beane's gonna field 8 Figginseseses
Nico: They would out-steal 8 Hattebergs
andeux: Paul DePodesta did some simulations and determined that a lineup of 8 Chone Figgenses would run really really fast.
Nico: I heard the simulation had him thrown out stealing eight times by Octopusman.

emar24: "Casey Blake is a gamer," Dodgers GM Ned Colletti... Casey Blake has .400 gamer percentage as well as a 1.020 GHP (grit average + heart percentage). I hear he owns the biggest run manufacturing plant in Georgia.
Gallagher's Watermelons: I believe the run manufacturing plants were shut down by the Georgia Run Emission And Totally Pre-emptive Industrial Time Coordinators' Insight/Nuance Group (G.R.E.A.T.P.I.T.C.H.I.N.G.)
Zonis: The MAA (Mother's Against Acronyms) currently has a lawsuit against them. They believe there IS such a thing as a pitching prospect.

(on "How To Add A Hitter" diary)
OptimistPrime: Whew! Relief….I thought the headline read "How to add a HITLER"
monkeyball: Crushing defeat at hands of foes, check
Fiscal crisis, check
Resentment at outside world, check
Radical restructuring of system, check
Emphasis on youth, check
Invasion of neighboring territories, check
Uh-oh …
andeux: Just wait until the A's start signing the 94 Scott Hatteberg clones from Brazil.

franks a lot: Choose your own AT BAT Adventure
5Aces: But every path I try keeps ending up at the double play on page 72!
Philip Christy: You are Bobby Crosby.

Jennifer: Wow. Today really sucks.
GreenNGoldGirl: Doesn't every day suck for a pessimist?
oblique: Not as much as tomorrow will.

Good ol' April Casilla...

What to call oblique's funk band

I'm not sure exactly what was being nominated here, but I'm tired. Y'all figure it out.

Swooney's Left Foot's Dead Grandma

Nickname Of The Month subthread

Laundry

sprtsnwyn's first blockquote!

Diary Of The Month club:

Optimist Prime
Reg
Jeff at LL
74mk, sort of.

Commentary on YES network (reported by schmifty):

"Oakland pitcher Dallas Braden, you would think, there’s gotta be a Texas connection there somwhere, huh? He was born in Phoenix, Arizona! But he did go to Texas Tech"

"Yeah but… I would think he had a name before he went to Texas Tech."

And HAPPY AUGUST BIRTHDAY to:

gigglingone - 8/7
kaweahkaweah - 8/23