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"Write Like Ratto" Contest

For all you Ray Ratto lovers and haters out there and assuming that imitation (or parody) is the sincerest form of flattery, here's your chance to declare yourselves in the first ever "Write Like Ratto" contest.

Ratto is the S.F. Chronicle sports columnist whose work can inspire admiration or derision. Sometimes both. Here's his latest column on the end of Brad Ziegler's streak.

The rules are simple: write a sentence, paragraph or column-length piece that captures the essence of Monsieur Ratto for you but at least it should include a tangential mention of the A's.  (Pseudo-hip pop culture references and the phrase "boys and girls" to indicate expertise as a teacher and sports columnist are encouraged but not required.)

There will be no disqualifications in the event the rules are not followed.

Judges: none other than our own resident Ratt-o-philes ruben sierra and monkeyball!

Prizes: are you kidding?

Decisions of the judges are final. In case of a tie, an All-Star game will be declared.

There you have it.

So that you know just how low the bar is being set, I'll offer the following:

Star-divide

Today, boys and girls, we consider the plight of Rob Bowen--backup catcher du jour of the current incarnation of your Oakland Athletics. Of course every team, from the venerable New York Yankees down to the most infinitesimal Little League ballclub from Pawtucket, needs some sort of backup catcher to, you know, fill in now and then--namely, to spell the first-stringer in case of fatigue or injury.

But would anyone, save the most sober Beane-o-holic, not agree that an Athletic backup catcher is the least valued player in a hierarchy that values the undervalued? Other than warming up relief pitchers, the rare pinch-hit opportunity or the occasional start where he's dangled out there like a Duncan Yo-Yo rocking the baby--of what good is the backup catcher?

With Kurt Suzuki firmly entrenched in the #1 role, Bowen is left to ponder the would haves, should haves and could haves that define being numero dos behind the mask. Add to that the incessant nipping-at-your-heels feeling you get from cheap up-and-comers like Sacramento Rivercats Landon Powell and Justin Knoedler, and you have as much job security as a third-deck Coliseum usher.

In the current A's binge-and-purge milieu, it makes sense that the more anemic the offense, the more bulimic the attempt will be to bring in some bats, any bats, to fill in a hit-starved batting order. And when the young bucks are brought up, then who you gonna call?

Adam Melhuse?

Comment 63 comments  |  4 recs  | 

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I can't possibly top this:

In case of a tie, an All-Star game will be declared.

Ray Ratto would be proud, if he were alive today.

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Aug 14, 2008 9:16 PM PDT reply actions  

I'd be afraid to try writing like Ratto

What if the wind changed and it stayed like that?

by Englishmajor on Aug 14, 2008 9:20 PM PDT reply actions  

lets see if I can give it a try

shit shit shit piss shit shit shit gory gory what a hell of a way to die damn sad 40 win season cancer of the ass obscure pop culture reference barry zito bad signing former a

facepalm.jpg

by Zonis on Aug 14, 2008 10:40 PM PDT reply actions   1 recs

you win

"If you hit .440 with 20 bombs, you don't have to do s---. You don't have to bring a glove to practice, just hit and leave whenever you want. You can bring a 40 and smoke a cigarette and call me from the parking lot asking me what time the game is, and I'll tell you. You can even say 'F--- you, Steve!' Actually, don't say that, that wouldn't be very nice." -Steve Friend, Head Coach, Chabot College Gladiators Baseball

by flipgatey3 on Aug 14, 2008 10:56 PM PDT up reply actions  

I think we're done

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 14, 2008 11:12 PM PDT up reply actions  

My effort

“I’m a fat walrus, boys and girls, and it’s hard for me to say anything nice about anything or anyone without doing it in a backhanded way. I am an unhappy man who sees the worst in everything but the difference between the rest of you and I is I get paid to say whatever I want.”

Last of the Ninth - Photography Site / jamesvenes.com - Blog

by Flashfire on Aug 15, 2008 12:36 AM PDT reply actions  

disqualified

Speaking as an Avoirdupois-American, I think the first clause in the opening sentence isn’t in the spirit of the contest. (The first clause in the second sentence is ad hominem as well.)

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 9:21 AM PDT up reply actions  

Damn you flashfire..... you beat me to the fat unhappy never been laid walrus line...

I refuse to read the drivel that comes out of his mouth.

by 33SwisherSweet on Aug 15, 2008 10:18 AM PDT up reply actions  

I didn't have the 'never been laid' part, though.

I’m still surprised he no-showed the AN tailgate. I figured the prospect of free food would be more than enough.

Last of the Ninth - Photography Site / jamesvenes.com - Blog

by Flashfire on Aug 15, 2008 11:02 AM PDT up reply actions  

If anyone has an entry that doesn't use

excessive profanity or make fun of weight, that’d be, like, really neat. Peachy, even. At least the guy writes about the A’s on a regular basis. Geez.

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Aug 15, 2008 9:32 AM PDT reply actions  

Approach the topic of the Fremont move...

and Monkeyball will win this contest in a landslide ;)

"Twenty minutes," says Jack Sr. "Thank god for Billy Beane."

by ST on Aug 15, 2008 10:31 AM PDT reply actions  

I was going to get really into this

But then I re-checked my baggie and to my delighted surprise found I had a little more than just stems and seeds as I had feared, then I got really inspired and was struck like a Usain Bolt of lightning with the column idea equivalent of the illicit love child of Thomas Pynchon and Comrade Slusser, but then I…wait, what was I talking about? I’ll just write a meandering piece which restates the conventional wisdom instead.

Arte didn't get much Home Run Derby. He was dug in too deep or moving too fast. His idea of great R&R was cold rice and a little rat meat.

by FreeSeatUpgrade on Aug 15, 2008 10:37 AM PDT reply actions  

well done

Extra credit for stems-and-seeds usage. Ray Ratto: the Seth Rogen of sports columnists?

Brainless Automaton #439

by rubin sierra on Aug 15, 2008 12:30 PM PDT up reply actions  

OK, really, that's enough

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 11:11 AM PDT up reply actions  

the former

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 11:54 AM PDT up reply actions  

arguably could be seen as such ...

numbers 1 and 2 (depending on certain facts and interpretations) …

I’m not making a CGV case out of it. Mostly, I just think it’s unnecessarily mean and tiresome. Ice Cream’s intent (so far as I’m aware) was to make fun of Ray’s writing, not his appearance or person.

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 12:07 PM PDT up reply actions  

I'm 99.99% certain he lurks

Ray Ratto: The Wire of sports columnists

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 12:15 PM PDT up reply actions  

Ratto...

was good on the HBO produced “Rebels of Oakland”. He deserves some respect for that at least.

by jdub69 on Aug 15, 2008 2:24 PM PDT up reply actions  

who you callin' a chocolate marshmallow?

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 12:13 PM PDT up reply actions  

just a #2

technically, it couldn’t be a CGV #1 unless Ratto were a AN user himself. CGV #2 seems to apply to classes of individuals, so then it’d apply there.

OT – I think it’s ironic that the CGV description page can be flagged with a CGV.

by rollierollieOxenfree on Aug 17, 2008 1:30 AM PDT up reply actions  

You are now entering the Twinight Zone

Consider if you will, ladies and gentlemen, the curious case of the heart of the Oakland (at least for the time being) Athletics batting order. First we see one Jonathan Joseph Cust. Frere Jacques drifted through the high seas of the minor leagues for nigh on a decade, doing battle with Tides and Clippers, much like his almost namesake aboard the Calypso. Then suddenly our hero found himself roaming around the Coliseum’s left field like a slightly confused manatee, leading the league in walks and hitting more than his fair share of home runs – not enough to make us forget Mark McGwire or Reggie Jackson, but perhaps enough to erase all traces of, say, John Jaha and Matt Stairs from our collective memories. And with Beane and his legion of Ivy-educated disciples telling us that that was enough, who are we mere hoi polloi to argue, given the past success that those number-crunchers have had (at least in the regular season) while cobbling together a team with a budget seemingly consisting entirely of coins that John Fisher found in jeans returned to the Gap? Still, after watching this player that Brilliant Billy fawns over so much staring at another called strike three like a modern-day Rob Deer-in-headlights, we are left with a feeling about as comfortable as John McCain on a date with Paris Hilton.

And on the other appendage, we have Emil (that’s pronounced E-meal, for those of you whose crystal radios have not been tuned in to Ken Korach and that other guy on whichever station they’re on this week) Brown, another prodigal journeyman returning after a long and mostly undistinguished career to the franchise that drafted him back when Our Billy was still getting his feet wet as Sandy Alderson’s errand boy. In April, Emil showed what Brown could do for you, driving in runs like Josh Hamilton on a cocaine-fueled RBI binge, but more recently he’s reminded us why he was without a job in the first place.

In case it isn’t obvious, what these two and the rest of the current crop of underachieving overachievers have in common, besides the green jerseys and white shoes, is that Fisher and Lew Wolff are paying them little more than what Ed McMahon is contributing toward his mortgage. And the fans have to wonder if that will be this franchise’s continuing modus operandus as long as they remain in their tarp palace.

"May a nit suck Cajun geese?" wonders Red. No, we see gnu Jack Cust in a yam.

by andeux on Aug 15, 2008 11:19 AM PDT reply actions   1 recs

that's clearly a cut-and-paste job from a real Ratto column

Disqualified

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 11:55 AM PDT up reply actions  

Matched in quality

only by your own submission (“backup catcher du jour of the current incarnation of your Oakland Athletics.”)

Brainless Automaton #439

by rubin sierra on Aug 15, 2008 12:44 PM PDT up reply actions  

Very nice

(the rambling and train-of-thought-derailing parentheticals are a classic Ratto device).

Arte didn't get much Home Run Derby. He was dug in too deep or moving too fast. His idea of great R&R was cold rice and a little rat meat.

by FreeSeatUpgrade on Aug 15, 2008 12:23 PM PDT up reply actions  

so you're saying Ray aspires to be an engineer?

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 1:47 PM PDT up reply actions  

Hey!

What (exactly) are you implying?

"May a nit suck Cajun geese?" wonders Red. No, we see gnu Jack Cust in a yam.

by andeux on Aug 15, 2008 1:54 PM PDT up reply actions  

And do you have the data to prove it?

{convenes task force}

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Aug 15, 2008 2:11 PM PDT up reply actions  

Ray Ratto was born a poor black child.

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 2:19 PM PDT up reply actions  

yeah, he's a real jerk

The A's colors are green and gold.

by mikeA on Aug 15, 2008 2:43 PM PDT up reply actions  

Okay, then,

I could win this contest by just writing the way I write anyway!

Interweaving, diverse, not to say conflictive emphases and a broad spectrum of items to form a dynamic exchange of parallel and self-eclipsing spatial and temporal zones.

by Poppy on Aug 15, 2008 3:16 PM PDT up reply actions  

That was fantastic, andeux.

"Innings eater? Depends on whether you want delicious innings or burnt, moldy innings. Kirk Saarloos is the Hot Pockets of inning eaters." - Gallagher's Watermelons

by notsellingjeans on Aug 15, 2008 8:31 PM PDT up reply actions  

ratto is the ralph barbieri of sports writers

he’s fat, useless, a word consuming wind bag and at the end of the day not that knowledgeable about sports.

hell, they even both love hockey.

done.

by stm72 on Aug 15, 2008 2:37 PM PDT reply actions  

Remind me why someone should be chastised for being "fat"?

All this thread seems to be revealing are truths about AN users, i.e. society at large (fine, pun intended), not about Ray Ratto or his writing skills.

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Aug 15, 2008 3:35 PM PDT up reply actions  

that's a gross overstatement

Shouldn’t you be addressing more weighty matters?

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 3:42 PM PDT up reply actions  

Larry Davis concurs

Arte didn't get much Home Run Derby. He was dug in too deep or moving too fast. His idea of great R&R was cold rice and a little rat meat.

by FreeSeatUpgrade on Aug 15, 2008 3:47 PM PDT up reply actions  

He can see the screen over his belly?

Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho!!!!!

{slaps knee, goes on 15 Day DL}

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Aug 15, 2008 3:50 PM PDT up reply actions  

Bob Geren just called

You’re to remain in this thread until he says otherwise

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 3:56 PM PDT up reply actions  

Great...

Did he also diagnose you with a concussion?

Procrastinators unite....tomorrow

by muffinpryde on Aug 17, 2008 5:44 PM PDT up reply actions  

they shouldn't...

it’s the emotion of even seeing the name…ratto…argh.

my bad.

by stm72 on Aug 15, 2008 3:59 PM PDT up reply actions  

while i agree in general

that Ratto’s weight should not be an issue, someone who is so critical and negative of others is going to get what he gives. earning your living (at least in part) by making light of others flaws and failures is going to make you a target in return and his weight is the most obvious thing about Ratto to be critical of.

by cvdoug on Aug 16, 2008 4:04 PM PDT up reply actions  

Why not criticize his "being critical and negative of others"

or his writing, then, and leave his weight out of it? Because if someone hates his writing, it’s ok for them to show prejudice against the overweight? Me no seeing connection.

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Aug 16, 2008 4:37 PM PDT up reply actions  

Ray Ratto and Susan Slusser try to restrain a greedy monkeyball

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 3:33 PM PDT reply actions  

LOL!

Chocolate Marshmallow

by Ice Cream on Aug 15, 2008 3:44 PM PDT up reply actions  

You laugh, but you're looking at the 2009 A's middle of the order

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Aug 15, 2008 3:51 PM PDT up reply actions  

emphasis on "middle"?

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 3:56 PM PDT up reply actions  

and mikeA was Mr French

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 4:20 PM PDT up reply actions  

Was I the "wacky neighbor"?

I was so drunk those years I don’t even remember. Those years were this morning, right?

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Aug 15, 2008 4:26 PM PDT up reply actions  

you really put the "neigh" in neighbor

There were a lot of stupid, long confusing words that I’m sure normal people don’t use. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Aug 15, 2008 4:42 PM PDT up reply actions  

And the "bore"

Boar?

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Aug 15, 2008 4:50 PM PDT up reply actions  

Thanks for playing everyone!

Stay tuned for the “Write Like Tolkien” Contest.

Hey dol! bobble dol! ring ’em up dillo!
Ring ’em up! hop along! big as a pillow!
Old Frank Thom with another Bombadillo!

Butterscotch

by Ice Cream on Aug 18, 2008 1:58 PM PDT reply actions  

"Watchu Tolkien about, Willis?"

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Aug 18, 2008 4:51 PM PDT up reply actions  

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