Worst Minor League Report Ever

This has not been one of my better summers.  When the Maleficent Gods of Lousy Summers were doling out their wrath in my general direction, they decided that it wasn’t enough that I’d spend it studying for the California Bar Exam (Motto: “What the Crap is a Vested Remainder Interest Subject to Condition Subsequent?  Seriously, what the crap?”), but instead decided that I should do that studying smack dab in the middle of Utah (Motto: “If You Don’t Know What it Means, it’s Probably Profanity”) with no cable, no wireless Internet, and virtually no Major League Baseball in any form.

But a little light shone my way this weekend.  On our anniversary last month, my wife handed me a lace-trimmed card with tickets for us to see the Salt Lake Bees take on the Sacramento Rivercats on the evening of June 21st (moments such as these make me fall in love all over again).  Here’s my report.

Pre-Game

Surprisingly large crowd for a minor league game.  Perhaps Utahns really do care about baseball, I think to myself.  Perhaps I have judged them too harshly. 

On the other hand, I waver, this may just be the only place in Salt Lake City that serves alcohol. 

Yeah, that’s probably it.

Bottom of the 1st – Salt Lake 0, Sacramento 0

I hadn’t expected to recognize anyone, what with 90% of the Rivercats pre-season roster currently starting for the big league club, but lo and behold if it isn’t “Mr. 4 2/3” Lenny DiNardo starting for Sacramento.  Apparently all those reports of his skull serving as a paperweight on Billy Beane’s desk were just vicious rumors.

Still Bottom of the 1st – Salt Lake 3, Sacramento 0

My peripheral vision catches a flash of curly hair.  I glance to the left and spy Dallas Braden sitting in the next section over next to a guy with a large notepad and a radar gun.  My palms sweat.  Dare I approach him?  This is just like 1988 all over again, except that I’m not seven, and he’s not Dave Stewart. 

Bottom of the 2nd – Salt Lake 3, Sacramento 0

Bye bye, Lenny.

(On a “Behind the Scenes” type of note, my notes on the subject read simply “DiNardo – alive?”  I don’t know why I bothered writing anything else.)

Top of the 3rd – Salt Lake 3, Sacramento 1

My father, who apparently feels more comfortable talking to Triple-A pitching prospects than I do, just had a nice discussion over the bullpen fence with Gio Gonzalez concerning Travis Buck.  Buck isn’t in the lineup tonight because he suffered a concussion after slamming his head into a chain link fence going after a fly ball.  “But the important thing” says Gio, “is that he held onto the ball.”  My father couldn’t agree more.

By the way, my new favorite Rivercat is first baseman Casey Rogowski.  He does nothing of note tonight, but looks suspiciously like a cross between Jason Giambi and Satan.  Barton beware!

Bottom of the 3rd – Salt Lake 3, Sacramento 1

The mysteriously large crowd is explained by the triumphant arrival of the San Diego Chicken in all his glory. (The billboard on the freeway reads “June 21st – Famous Chicken.”  I had wondered where my free bowl of fried chicken was.)  He dances.  He prances.  He puts a bad juju on the Rivercats.  He pulls distracting posters of fat women in bikinis out of his tail.  He pretends to pee on the umpire.  Oh, that Chicken.  He’s still got it.

Top of the 4th – Salt Lake 3, Sacramento 1

I note that the foul poles here at Franklin Covey Stadium proudly read “Burton Bumbler” in large vertical print.  This has to be the second dumbest name for a mascot ever (just behind “Steely McBeam,” but a notch ahead of “Stomper”).

Bottom of the 4th – Salt Lake 4, Sacramento 1

Over the XM Radio perched in my left ear I hear Ken Korach talking about his hopes that Travis Buck will “find his stroke” down in Sacramento.  Surprisingly he says nothing about Buck finding his missing skull fragments.

Upon further review, the foul poles actually say “Burton Lumber.”  It seems unlikely that this refers to the Bees mascot.  Sorry ‘bout that one.  My bad.

Top of the 5th – Salt Lake 4, Sacramento 3

Just as I thought we were about to get a solid mascot fight, the Chicken kisses the Bees mascot (NOT named “Burton Bumbler”) full on the lips.  The Bee is not seen for the remainder of the evening.  ‘Cause really, how do you top that?

Bottom of the 5th – Salt Lake 11, Sacramento 3

Tonight’s theme of “Pitching That Seemed Like a Good Idea in 2007” continues, as Jay Marshall takes the mound and gives up seven runs in 1/3 innings.  I’d say that this proves once and for all that Moneyball doesn’t work.

My younger brother strolls into our section with his friends, fresh off a three and a half hour drive from his undergraduate studies in Rexburg, Idaho (Motto: The Only Place on Earth That Makes Salt Lake Seem Like a Really Fun Idea), and distracts me from the bloodshed with a brief discussion of sixteen year-old Michael Inoa and his likely four million dollar signing bonus.  I am shocked, but only until I remember that four million dollar signing bonus I got for the paper route I had when I was sixteen.

The PA system blares the Village People’s “YMCA” during a pitching change.  Dallas Braden is not doing the dance.

Top of the 6th – Salt Lake 11, Sacramento 4

This inning’s entertainment?  Angry Mascot Dance-Off between the Chicken and Barney the Dinosaur with Hammer’s “2 Legit 2 Quit” blaring over the loudspeakers.  Minor league baseball is awesome.           

Bottom of the 6th – Salt Lake 12, Sacramento 4

I debate various icebreakers I could use with Dallas Braden that wouldn’t end with me getting punched in the face.  “So, how come you’re in Sacramento now?”  No.  “So, you think any of these guys will make the big league club before you do?”  No.  “Hey Dallas, Embree just gave up another bomb – maybe you’ve still got a shot at this season”?  No.  “Hey Dallas, thanks for effing up my fantasy team”?  No.  “Dallas, did you get a haircut?”  Maybe. 

Top of the 8th – Salt Lake 312, Sacramento 3

Landon Powell cracks a four-bagger, a real moon shot impressive enough to make my wife momentarily glance upward from her reading of volume 3 of the Twilight series. He truly is a sight to behold.  Intimidating glare, rocket arm, colossal swing – the whole package.  So it’s all the more surprising when I distinctly see a single tear roll down his cheek as he crosses home plate.  I’m confused, until I hear Ken Korach tell me that Kurt Suzuki has just picked up his seventh RBI of the series.  I’m sorry, Landon.  I’m so sorry.

Bottom of the 8th – Salt Lake 3,276, Sacramento 1

My moment arrives:

ME: Hey, who’s this guy you’ve got on the mound?

DALLAS BRADEN: Knoedler.  He’s our backup catcher.

ME: (chuckling softly, pretty sure that was a joke) He throws some serious heat.

DALLAS BRADEN: He was throwing 95 in high school.  He just had no control over when it ended up.

ME: Sweet.  I’ve never even heard of the guy before.

DALLAS BRADEN: Yeah, he came out of nowhere, and now he’s better than all of us.

ME: (unable to think of any relevant response that won’t get me punched in the face) Later!

Top of the 9th – Salt Lake 112,423, Sacramento .5

I’m enjoying myself tremendously, but there’s something very depressing about watching the Rivercats in action.  You get the sense that every single player on the team is well aware that the average age of their big league counterparts is somewhere between 22 and 14 and making $8.75 an hour, and that their moment in the sun just isn’t coming absent a shrewd trade or a particular Oakland Athletic falling in the crapper.  I’ve already mentioned Powell.  Cliff Pennington is batting over .300, but I can’t see him replacing King Ellis anytime soon.  Ditto for Gary’s son Joe Gaetti and the eleven outfielders ahead of him. And Casey Rogowski knows all too well that Lucifer the Lord of Darkness isn’t going anywhere soon.

Final – Salt Lake “Number too high to be calculated by anyone other than a highly-trained theoretical physicist”, Sacramento “That same number with a negative sign in front of it”

Is there any way to blame this on Dan Uggla?