The last few weeks have been a ride on the Oakland baseball equivalent of Space Mountain – a bunch of ups, a lot of downs, no one has any idea where we’re going next and the six year-old sitting behind me won’t stop screaming in my ear. 

So while there’s been a lot of positive coming out of McAfee Coliseum lately, there’s been a big bad pack of negatives as well.  And I don’t like negatives.  So in order to focus on the positives instead, I’ve decided to direct all my negative energy away from the Oakland dugout and toward where it really belongs – the lamest parts of blockbuster Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  I’ll be pairing each instance of Hollywood suckitude with something good coming out of the Athletics organization – the crappier the movie moment, the better news for A’s fans.

 Refrigerators and atomic warfare, together at last!

Indy escapes a nuclear blast inside of a refrigerator.  I may be nitpicking here.  We respect Dr. Jones precisely because he’s a resourceful guy, and hiding inside a refrigerator (“Lined with Lead!”) may indeed be the best way there is to ride out an A-bomb explosion.  But while the fridge may have protected him from the blast, it should have killed him in the fall.  Indy’s a tough guy, but he’s not the Hulk. This is Oakland pitching throwing together an innings-eater, two finalists from the Mr. DL 2007 Pageant, two rookies and a swiss army knife of bullpen rejects together to form the third-best Team ERA in the league.

I have nothing to say here, other than to point out how happy I was to find these pictures.

Shia goes swinging with the monkeys.  From the parade of lameness that didn’t quite manage to crack the list, you’ll find “Indy has a kid” and “Indy’s kid is Shia LaBeouf” in prominent places.  Still, I was able to accept both of those in waves of understanding that just couldn’t wash up upon Shia hopping a vine and outpacing the Soviet jeeps by going all Tarzan in the midst of the most mediocre CGI you’ll find this side of Jar Jar Binks.  Harrison Ford has earned my trust to the point where I would probably buy him pulling off this kind of crap; Shia has not.  Dumb. This is the Haren trade (which I virtually blasted into nonexistence by the sheer force of my rage just a few months ago) pretty much saving the season thus far – two pitchers that would be welcome on any starting staff in baseball and a five-tool center fielder already on the starting roster, with another three quality cogs still in the Minor League System.  I’m an idiot. 

Any resemblance is purely coincidental.  Or is it?

The alien.  Y’know, I was okay with the movie starting off in Area 51.  I had no problem when alien skulls started popping up everywhere.  I was even cautiously optimistic when we some full-body alien skeletons made an appearance.  But when an actual alien in the gray-headed squinty-eyed flesh beamed itself down to get into a staring contest resulting in Cate Blanchett’s head popping like a cherry bomb flushed down a toilet?  That was too much, Mr. Spielberg.  You have failed me again.  This is Carlos Gonzalez. Three games, four doubles, a .727 slugging percentage, wide-ranging defense and a whole lotta hope.  He is now what Daric Barton was at the beginning of the season. Stay gold, Carlos.  Stay gold. 

Spielberg or Beane - who’s better at his job?  Beane never would have polished off the Indy series in a bowtie, but Spielberg is worth roughly 80 bajillion dollars.  Discuss.

The wedding.  Okay, Indy deserves to be happy.  He deserves to fall in love.  He can even settle down if he wants to.  But ending the Indiana Jones series – the most action-riddled, testosterone-laced action series of all time with a wedding?  With Indy wearing a bowtie??!!!  That’s just wrong.  This is the unprecedented depth of talent with which the Oakland organization is suddenly awash.  At last count, there were five guys competing for time at DH, nineteen outfielders, thirty-seven starting pitchers and bullpen candidates exceeding the population of several small island nations.  Guys are being banished to the disabled list at the first twinge of pain simply to free up roster space (leading to historic firsts such as Ryan Sweeney being placed on the DL for, I believe, a “stuffed-up nose”).  Chris Denorfia has been locked in a storage closet since mid-April.  It’s an embarrassment of riches, and as happy as it’s making me right now, I’m positively giddy at the thought of 2009-12.  Oakland could be looking at a dynasty to exceed all but the most transcendent of Hollywood action series.  Your move, Mr. Spielberg. 

Just for the record, I liked the movie.  A lot.