This edition of QOTM must lead off with drmmerchk's awesome Photoshop Of The Month...

And now...  it's...

One-Liners division

andeux: Crede can have a gold glove when he gives his 2006 Silver Slugger award for 3B back: he hit .283/.323/.506 (with 30 HR and 94 RBI, for the traditionalists) that year, compared to A-Rod's .290/.392/.523 (35 HR, 121 RBI).

Nick: That was a web cubic zirconia.

jubjub: "iMeat" - anything with i in front sells well.

ChadGod: I love the A's. I lose internet access for a couple of days, I come back, and Frank Thomas is in the lineup and we are suddenly the Uber platoon team.

Nico: Paul Byrd is addicted to pornography? So basically the only difference between me and Paul Byrd is that my windup is simpler?

FreeSeatUpgrade: I guess Paul proves the old adage - A Byrd in his hand really is worth two in the bush.

thejd44: Greg Smith should IBB every hitter, and then just pick them off first.

OptimistPrime: Scalping tix for an A's/Royals game is like selling reading glasses to Helen Keller.

Jennifer (no, she didn't submit this herself): Whew. I just had my car worked on, including repainted... wow. It's like riding around in a with 16,800 Sharpies open in the trunk. I was seeing Care Bears by the time I got home this afternoon.

oaklandSMASH: ESPN covers the west — all the way to Wrigley field. They might be wary of taking camera crews too far into the Louisiana Purchase and beyond.

kapers: I have to clean up before the cleaning ladies come tomorrow.

Nick: "Hit it where they ain't... or, failing that, hit it to Cust."

oblique: Come on Casilla! Set them down!! *This message brought to you by the society for the preservation of Justin Duchscherer's ERA

louismg: Regarding KICU... Am I wrong in noticing they're calling it "TV 36" instead of "Action 36" now? I wonder what contributing factors would have led to that change?

guapobob: But you can back into a hot iron while naked, blindfolded, cuffed and calling out "Marco... Polo!" Or at least I've heard you can. Not that I would know for certain, but I've, uh, heard of such things happening.

Nico: The way Eveland is pitching against Cleveland, I feel like we have three days to figure out how to acquire someone named Ronto.

xbhaskarx: can't find it, because sbnation's search function is still completely broken!

sbnation^search^function.... ^me

thejd44: The Jays announcer just called the ass his "kisser" - Methinks Canadians kiss differently.

jonahbartlett: Smart move by Sabathia.... best way to stop the A's from scoring - load the bases.

Double Steel: To bad we don't have Mark Teixeira at 1B. On a pickoff attempt from LF to 1B, it would be funny to watch Email send a Tex message.

Rotoworld qotm (h/t xbhaskarx): Miguel Tejada celebrated his two birthdays going 3-for-4 with a home run Thursday against the Phillies.

coffee roaster: Interesting... I’m watching the Royals pregame show, and Mike Sweeney just said, "God put me in Oakland." Oh, God - ? I’d really like you to put me in Maui right now.

doctorK (on Eveland's weight listed as "170"): That's 170 kg, not pounds.

FreeSeatUpgrade: salb warned us this would happen... Regression to the meanie. (link for context)

Englishmajor: Blez, you're being a good parent. You gave us the big cardboard box to play with out in the back yard, but you're reminding those of us who are busy attaching wings and wheels to it that it is just possible that our spaceship may not in fact fly to the moon. Fair enough. But since nothing we as fans think about the team makes any difference to the ultimate outcome anyway, I think we might as well enjoy our time in this beautiful spaceship.

Tag-Team division

Elvez: Kendall scored his 900th career run.
JediLeroy: And in his next plate appearance grounded into his 3000th double play.

Nico: The future is now because the present is on the DL.
PaulThomas: Actually, the present is day to day... Which is kind of funny when you think about it.

mrrickyg: RBIs are sexy. Walks aren't.
ak_A: (pins up paper on wall with printed RBI, hubba-woo!)

louismg: Braden... acceptable again? I think it's his hair that enabled the pickoff move!
IowaA'sFan: It hypnotizes the baserunners.

(re: HOFer Goose Gossage wearing an AutoTrader.com t-shirt during his broadcast booth appearance)
Nick: He should have just painted it on his naked chest.
HigherPie: At least then he'd still have his integrity.

miggy2k: Now Cust is a non factor in this game.
149: "now"?????

monkeyball: the only dangerous knife is a dull knife
A's Fan in the Bronx: Or the sharp one coming towards you really fast...

kapers: gameday says an injured arm. how vague is that?
BigTuna: Larry Davis - promoted to typing gameday reports

xbhaskarx: i could probably throw a 70mph fastball possibly with better control than zito. 
if the giants get really desperate maybe i'll offer to join their rotation for like $80 million...
devo: {psst, hey Sabes} I can get it up to 75... and have a pretty decent curve ball... I'd also work for $1m less than whatever Bhaskar negotiates.

(re: delay in the A's move to Fremont)
mikev: So, why did rotoworld list this info under Daric Barton news?
5Aces: They knew they were supposed to blame any move to Fremont on the A’s 1B. But they couldn’t stick it next to DJ anymore.

kapers: Hi everyone. What have I missed in the last 10 mins?
Nick: The cutoff man? (Oh, sorry, I thought you were Emil Brown.)

paradox: Thank god for a win.
HigherPie: Premature e-Celebration.

smhallert: Surprises? Wins Baby! Bartin will come into his own and be a standout first baseman. Ellis will put up better numbers [...] WINS BABY
monkeyball: RAISES BABY IN LOVING HOME - HAS BIRTH PARENTS PROSECUTED FOR SURRENDERING BABY TO LOTTERY

ohtobe21likehuston: Does Kotsay get to that one? Don't answer.
skutch: that would have been a long run from Atlanta
and
monkeyball: depends which US bobsledder is pushing the gurney

asfaninpismobeach: How much for one rib?
grover: Cost Adam paradise, not sure what it will cost you

lenscrafters: Obvious statement, but Santiago Casilla is effin nasty this year.
HigherPie: +0.00

Blez: Does Ortiz wear a hairnet? He looks like he's a cook at Denny's.
nhayhoe: He looks like he ate the cook at Denny's, then took the hairnet as a souvenir

(re: stupid naming conventions, like "Silicon Valley A's at Cisco Field of Fremont")
Jennifer: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Take this knife and stab me right in the heart, please.
monkeyball: you mean stab you in the Central Torso Organ at Jennifer's Chest?

BigTuna: slight like a little bit? or slight like a bus?
oblique: Slight like not being invited to the wedding of someone who you thought was a good friend so you spend your entire life trying to get back at them only to have them visit you on your death bed and ask you why you didn't come to the wedding, didn't you get the invitation?

Relay/Frenzy division
...because ANers are a breed that tend to be funny in packs.

mikeA: Brown has no command this year.
510inDenver: What can Brown do for you?
OptimistPrime: He can strike someone out and handle all my shipping needs.

(re: Byrnes & Tejada baserunning gaffes in playoffs)
green star oakland: ...but isn’t "touch first, punch later" fundamental?
Poppy: Ah, brings back memories of dating...
monkeyball: as does getting called out at third on interference

TimTimTimbo: Every time the Angels play, I root for the other team.
redwolf75: And when they play Satan?
baseballgirl: Gimme an "S".....

Blez: It actually said on weather.com that the chance of rain is 100 percent. Not sure if I've ever seen that before.
notsellingjeans: That's amazing. Weather.com is putting a hell of a lot of pressure on themselves.
Eggman: If they can't commit 110%, then I don't trust them.

monkeyball: pet peeve - "Schizophrenic" equals neither "split personality" nor "holding two contradictory opinions."
67MARQUEZ: Well that kills my "I'm a schizophrenic and so am I" joke.
monkeyball: just needs editing - "I'm schizophrenic and so is Steven Spielberg who monitors my thoughts through the implants in my molars."

dbeach13: so what is with lirano, just a real bad outing or is he hurt?
flipgatey3: he is not the same guy
Zonis: it's really a friend who just took his name to enter the US, and found out that he was supposed to be a pitcher.

(re: child with Barry Zito "Fathead" wall decal)
Englishmajor: He doesn't look like he's exactly pleased to have a gigantic Zito floating around his bedroom.
monkeyball: frightening in the zone
salb918: can't sleep, zito will eat me...
Jennifer: He'd be more likely to nibble you to death.

monkeyball: I think we should sign Santa Claus - Believe in him or not, I think he would bring major presents to the batting order.
kaweahkaweah: By sleighing opposing pitchers?
monkeyball: with nine robdeer

Honorable Mentions

Comment not made in April, but I'll include it because someone quietly went to the enormous, colossal, mind-bending, time-consuming, sweat-drenching, subscapularis-defining effort of sending an email about it -
jeffro: The more I think about it, Nico is right... castration is the answer.

Other Nico comment not made in April, but for whatever reason (probably Tokyo-game-induced sleep deprivation), it made me laugh until I cried... for days -
Link.

In other states of SBNation... Quote from Mike Krukow posted on Mccovey Chronicles after Zito's sixth implosion of the month: "If you missed the first half of the inning, congratulations." (another email submission, thank you)

And the Best SBNation Recap Thread EVER... sorry.

Thank you to those who helped me out by either emailing QuoteOfTheMonth@gmail.com, or by being Jennifer! As for other April stuff we might have missed... post 'em if you got 'em!