An Inconvenient (Lack Of) Truth

by Nico on Jan 18, 2008 7:53 AM PST in News Comment 28 comments

It’s that special time of year, folks: It’s semester report-card time, where teachers all across the country – from Inflation Valley to Mount Euphemism – must write grades and comments for their group of above-average students who never fail because they are simply “emerging,” and who never misbehave because they are simply “struggling to find more productive ways to channel their energy.” More productive, say, than whacking little Susie with a baseball bat is proving to be (hey, at least he made contact).

I need to practice for my marathon of report-card writing this holiday weekend, so please indulge me as I give my grades to our beloved Oakland A Plusses:

Bobby Crosby: A++
Bobby continues to learn how to manage his own personal space, recently keeping much better distance from his neighbor Mark, as well as from home plate. The number of absences continues to be a concern but tardiness has not been a problem except for on fastballs.

Rich Harden: A+++
In a culture rife with impulsivity, it is refreshing to see a player like Rich who approaches throwing a baseball with such caution, restraint, and self-control. There is no doubt about this young man’s ability and we really missed him the last 93% of the term.

Santiago Casilla: A+
Santiago is still in the process of trying to figure out who he is; this, and a wild streak that is age-appropriate but disruptive, explain his low grade.

Donnie Murphy: A++++
Donnie has really thrived in our Special Ed program. Even though he is regularly beaten up by righties, which constitute most of the population, he has found a niche where he can be fully average. He also has such a cute little boy’s name that you just can’t help but give him high marks no matter what his performance may suggest.

Colby Lewis: B-
C’mon dude. Seriously.

Woah, gotta go – Johnny just, er, “expressed his individuality” on one of the potted plants. Maybe you want to add some more reports to save me some time?

0 recs | Comment 28 comments

Story-email Email Printer Print

Comments

Jack Cust........A-

We're concerned about his quick ascent from nowhere...well...is he cheating? A US Senator who heard from someone else is concerned. We're not labeling, but we just want to get the facts. A closer eye on the aforementioned student (read: parent better you idiot!) would really help rest any fears or allegations.

Two-thirds of the earth is covered by water, the other third is covered by Kotsay.

by carp on Jan 18, 2008 8:23 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

This be easier with recent ex-A's

think about it...

Loaiza...lackluster performance and drinking

Swisher...ADHD concerns

Haren...personal hygeine (hair/shaving)

Bradley...temper tantrums

Kielty...ibid Swisher

Kotsay...sick all the time

Kendall...Napolean complex...likes to bully

Zito...excueses and lying

Mulder...tries to hard to win over the girls

Huddy...on the first day of class he buzzed a crayon past my head and said, "Welcome to my league mother f^cker."

Two-thirds of the earth is covered by water, the other third is covered by Kotsay.

by carp on Jan 18, 2008 8:29 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

Joe Blanton................ B+

Somehow effective despite chronic eating...he brings a stacked lunch filled with ho-ho's and twinkies and then tries to get the "free lunch" for the kids who can't afford to eat.

Two-thirds of the earth is covered by water, the other third is covered by Kotsay.

by carp on Jan 18, 2008 8:32 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

slightly off topic...but one could almost build

an A's All-Roids team based on some admitted/speculated data:

OF - Canseco, Cust, Guillen (Cust is weak...but he was named). Reserve: Je. Giambi.
3B - FP Santangelo (admitted it like a man, but Chavvy's been clean...although he is injured with weird pulls/strains).
SS - Tejada
2B - Randy Velarde
1B - McGwire
P - ?
C - none...speculation includes Piazza, Damian Miller, and Michael Barrett...although Barrett was on the team for a few weeks in the offseason and doesn't really count. What catcher would want to use roids and deal with knee problems?
DH - Giambi...oh yeah...the vague apology...what a tough guy.

Hmmm...how did the A's management escape the lambasting that the Giants are getting? Of course the evidence Conte provided was damning (did anyone notice the Giants drafted Conte's son - a crappy 2nd-string catcher at St. Mary's as "token of appreciation"). BB played with or oversaw with every player linked with recent roids in baseball. And he didn't know about it at all? And how about MLB police chief Alderson?

I hate to say it...but has anything been linked with Kennnedy's heart conditions and taking typical athlete "supplements" that are so prevalent? Maybe not roids (on the other hand, it can't be excluded) but maybe ephedra or "greenies."

Two-thirds of the earth is covered by water, the other third is covered by Kotsay.

by carp on Jan 18, 2008 8:52 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

BB

Yeah, I really doubt that he was in the dark about the steroid use within the organization. I think he probably turned a blind eye to it for as long as he could. Of course, I also think you can say that about just about everyone with every team in baseball.

by ozzman99 on Jan 18, 2008 1:32 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Canseco could pitch

but then you'd need to run Mini-G out there for the entirety of the following season.

So it goes.

by jeepers on Jan 18, 2008 1:48 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Kiko Calero: A+-

Would have been an A+, maybe A++, but Kiko refuses to try new things. To try to teach him new approaches I was going to take away his slider for a week, but it turned out he'd already lost it.

They hung a sign up in our town: "If you live it up, you won't live it down."

by FreeSeatUpgrade on Jan 18, 2008 9:08 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

title?

Nico, are you trying to imply that, despite Beane's stockpiling of young pitching, global arming is a myth?

The best that can be said about this is that it's imaginative. @('.')@

by monkeyball on Jan 18, 2008 9:31 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

Haren, Swisher, Kotsay, Scutaro: Incompletes

The meaning of life is not so much 'found,' as it is 'made.' --Opus

by The Dogfather on Jan 18, 2008 10:36 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

Harden

What's the story with Rich Harden. Is he expected to be in the rotation by opening day, if not a best guess when.
vr, Xei

Author of: DodgerSims blog

by xeifrank on Jan 18, 2008 11:05 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

I haven't heard the A's mention Harden

for weeks, even when discussion Opening Day starters, rotations, etc. Maybe he dropped the class.

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Jan 18, 2008 11:37 AM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Harden = Deng Xiaopeng

When the Chinese government announced Deng's death, weren't there rumors that he had actually died like 10 years earlier?

by ozzman99 on Jan 18, 2008 1:40 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Harden's been dead for 10 years already?

Wow.

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Jan 18, 2008 2:00 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Yeah

The times you thought you saw him, it was just a Weekend At Bernie's thing.

by ozzman99 on Jan 18, 2008 3:12 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Urban's latest Mailbag

"Harden is in Phoenix, throwing with new bullpen coach Ron Romanick four times a week, and manager Bob Geren said the reports he's getting have been good. Geren also suggested very strongly -- without actually using the words -- that Harden and Blanton are, indeed, penciled in as the starting pitchers for the games against Boston in Japan. Penciled being the key word, obviously."

Of course, isn't this what they always say about Harden?

by ozzman99 on Jan 18, 2008 3:16 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

yep, very familiar

words or praise for Harden, when he is in the perpetual getting ready to play sometime in the future mode.

count-down to ST.

by ak_A on Jan 18, 2008 4:04 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Who knows?

I mean, the exact two-week period in which people will be able to hope irrationally that Harden will actually pitch baseballs for Oakland in 2008 doesn't really matter, does it?

cardinalprecepts.blogspot.com

by PaulThomas on Jan 18, 2008 11:40 AM PST up reply actions 0 recs

You think he'll last 2 weeks?

I envy your optimism.

by ozzman99 on Jan 18, 2008 3:17 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Harden pitches for around 2 weeks (2 starts)

before pulling a muscle, and then people start irrationally hoping for 5 months waiting for his next appearence (but I see what you're saying).

And actually, the way Billy's constructed this team, the Harden wait is going to be the most interesting/entertaining part of the season.

by Bacon on Jan 18, 2008 3:19 PM PST reply actions 0 recs

No doubt - the unlikely,

Harden somehow being and staying healthy, is the one thing that could turn 2008 into a potentially competitive year.

Harden, Blanton, Gaudin, Duchscherer, Eveland/Meyer? I'm not conceding anything quite yet with that rotation.

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Jan 18, 2008 4:56 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Eric Chavez A-

Popular kid that everyone loves. Extremely talented and easy going but works too hard! We really think he should take more time off from his studies when he is tired so that he doesn't end up burning out and wasting the entire semester.

Bob Geren B+
If Bob spent as much time working as he does trying to be popular he'd be at the head of the class.

by tosk on Jan 18, 2008 3:41 PM PST reply actions 0 recs

Nice! Two excellent reports -

You either are a school teacher, or should be.

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Jan 18, 2008 4:54 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

by iglew on Jan 18, 2008 5:29 PM PST reply actions 0 recs

Gracias - kind words are always appreciated

to help defray the barrage of criticism that comes with writing drivel in a public forum. :-)

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Jan 18, 2008 9:00 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs