DLD 011608:  Jerks, Crooks, and Oddballs

I’m a little short on feel-good links today.  So let’s try some feel-bad ones!

Here, Esquire chronicles over 20 years of Roger Clemens, in his own words.  Some gems:

  • 1986:  Hank Aaron opines that pitchers should not be eligible for the MVP, since they don't play every day. Clemens thoughtfully responds, "I wish he were still playing. I'd probably crack his head open to show him how valuable I was."
  •  1990:  "If someone met me on a game day, he wouldn't like me. The days in between, I'm the goodest guy you can find," states Clemens. He proves the first part true when he takes the mound in Game 4 of the American League Championship Series against Oakland and lasts two innings before being ejected for threatening umpire Terry Cooney ("I'm gonna find out where you live and come get you this winter"). This is actually quite mild compared to what he said to Oakland pitcher and recovering alcoholic Bob Welch: "Have another beer. Be a man. Stop drinking milk." Ah, Roger at his goodest.
  •  2006:  Clemens brings some good old-fashioned American charm to the inaugural World Baseball Classic, observing, "None of the dry cleaners were open, they were all at the game, Japan and Korea. So we couldn't get any dry cleaning done out there, but I guess the neatest thing is that 50,000 of them were at Anaheim Stadium."

Former Chron scribe Tim Keown opines that Congress should just get the hell out of the way on steroids issues, because they suck at it.

This Washington Wizards fan blog scoop reprints ersatz letters from Richard Nixon to the Washington Bullets following their loss in the 1971 NBA finals.  Nixon sympathizes:  "And hey, you’re not the only one hurting.  I had money on that goddamned series!  Lost 20 bucks to that sonofabitch Mark Felt.  He’s already bustin’ my balls to pay up.  The guff of this guy.  Eager bastard. xxxxxxxx (content redacted).  Here’s some advice for you kid, never wager with a xxxxx (content redacted).  Don’t know what in hell’s name Hoover sees in that guy."

And Patriots wide receiver Donte Stallworth has an alien in his head named Nico.  Well, he’s spelling it "Nicco."  But we AN’ers know what’s really going on.

Immediately after Mathis made the tackle, Stallworth pounded the ground and then started punching his legs as if they were defective. Stallworth said that was punishment from his alter ego, Nicco, whom Stallworth has described as an extra terrestrial being that resides on Mars when the receiver is off the field.

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