In an amazingly touching development, failed pitcher Rick Ankiel made his major league debut as a position player, launching a three-run homer to help the Cardinals get past the Padres.

"Unbelievable," Ankiel said after stowing the ball he hit in his locker. "You almost can't put it into words. I couldn't have written that any better. No way. It felt so good I can't describe it. It's almost ... euphoric."

Mark Ellis may win the gold glove this year, due to improved offensive numbers. Not that it really matters.

"It doesn't bother me," he said. "I like playing in Oakland. I like flying under the radar a little bit. To me, that's when I play my best. I honestly couldn't care less about that stuff. I think I'll be happy as long as my teammates and the organization know what kind of player I am."

Ellis apparently doesn't care about unicorns, because caring less could help save endangered species. So that's why everybody could care less.

Prescriptive grammarians (warning: most boring link ever for non-linguists) would be a lot harder on those people than this lady.

Grammar is important, but it's not the hallmark of great writing.... It's what separates "Let's eat children!" from "Let's eat, children!" (If you can't see the difference there, please do not invite me to your house for dinner.)

In Utah, the drill finally reached the mine cavity, but no sounds have been heard yet. We're hoping and praying for a miracle on behalf of those miners and their families.

And now, for something completely different:

Dump.