Breaking News - Poochini Took Steroids!
by Nico on Dec 14, 2007 8:30 AM PST
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PrintThat’s right: Prednizone, baby! Got it from a Poodle who knew a Portuguese Waterdog that lived with a Bichon Frisé who had a locker next to Larry Bigbie’s dog – a Siberian Husky who went to a vet who wrote a lot of prescriptions and didn’t ask a lot of questions. No it doesn’t matter why you take steroids or for how long – all steroids are equal and if your name is on a list you have forever tarnished any dog show you have ever been in. At least it does finally explain how a Chihuahua can balance a bowling ball on his nose.
OK, so the Mitchell Report is out and it turns out that a lot of players have been taking steroids! I have actually come full circle and decided to take a moral stand against all those who scoff at our sacred laws – the Javier Herreras who flaunt our drug policies by taking PEDs and then (I assume) forcing PEDs down the gullets of frightened puppies; the Jack Hannahans who pass out on people’s lawns without at least mowing them first; the Nick Swishers who go out carousing all night and refuse to hit on Cindi. Which is why from now on I will only watch baseball when Mark Ellis is batting against Florence Henderson. I just hope baseball has the good sense to put an asterisk by all the records set by Neifi Perez, Dan Serafini, and Alex Sanchez.
No really, though, I can simply no longer support Santa Claus, whose practice of “breaking and entering” has been well established. However, I have told my students that if they’re out in public, and an old man promises them presents if they’ll just sit on his lap, they should “go for it!” Is that bad advice? Which reminds me: Earlier this semester, one of the Kindergarteners was asking about dressing up as a fairy princess and going door-to-door asking for candy, and I said, “Sure, of course!” That was a week ago and no one has seen her since – should I be concerned?
OK, OK, fine – all seriousness aside, I will no longer support Miguel Tejada or Jack Cust, but I will support Todd Jones, who has the courage and good sense to speak out against the archaic practice of “not hating people for being gay.” I’m sorry but I just happen to believe strongly that marriage should be narrowly defined as “a union between an immature man who always has to be right and refuses to express his feelings and a controlling woman who relieves stress by shopping for shoes she can’t afford.” Fortunately, this still includes most of the population.
Sigh, fine, I’ll be serious. But before we talk about a report prepared by someone with an interest in the Red Sox, commissioned by someone whose family owns the Brewers, here’s Cindi to read an excerpt from her 300 page report on best and worst front-page stories on AN: “Tuesdays and Fridays are the best – YAY!!!!!” Wow, and I happen to know it’s accurate because the report was carefully proof-read by Poochini. Gee, I just have so many people to thank…
All right, all right, to “the subject at hand,” as ‘twere. What follows is everything new and original I can think of to say on the topic of the Mitchell report:
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I'm shocked, shocked
yeah, right...so we can blame this all on lockerroom attendants and ballplayers. Fine, don't exonerate them...but what about the upper management of every single club, the owners, the commissioner?
I live in Sacramento, and on my way to work I
tuned into 1140, to hear the RISE GUYS, which includes none other than F.P. Santangelo. He says he is coming clean about the whole thing. Umm, FP, didn't you read the Mitchell Report yesterday? They came clean for you. Now he is becoming the STEROID AVENGER. I find this extrememly disengenous, that now that you were found out, you come out and say how bad steroids are, and you shold never do them. He stated it has been eating away at him, that he wasn't able to tell all his fans, but he feared legal ramifications. Now he didn't testify in front of the grand jury, I don't think, so they can't get him for purjery, and if he did them as long ago as he said he did, I'm sure the statute of limitations had run out on the drug use, so what ramifications would he be facing. He just didn't want to face the embarrassment. I heard he is supposed to be on with Tom and Ralph this afternoon. He is the first athlete, at least Bay Area based, to actually speak about his use though.
He's an idiot then.
He's about to find out what the legal ramifications are if he doesn't learn to keep his mouth shut. I imagine the Balco prosecutors are going to listen to him prattle on with a great deal of interest. FP may soon find himself on the witness stand under oath and compelled to spill his guts. God help him if he gets his facts wrong. He may end up in a cell with Bonds, minus the fame, fortune, and the finest legal team money can buy. But he will have the label "snitch", which is always a plus in prison.
He stated, he didn't know, and didn't want to
know what other people were doing, but I could have sworn, that when he was on KNBR a couple of times, he said he knew who did them, and he said he didn't know or care if Bonds was using, but Bonds was nice to him, and his son, and that is all that mattered.
by theblackpearl on Dec 14, 2007 9:06 AM PST up reply actions
Well not really..
All I have ever heard him say was that "you can tell" who was using them. The guy who put on 35 pounds of muscle in a couple of months, or who had huge hands etc etc.
None of that will land him on a witness stand.
Getting facts wrong: not a crime.
Lying: crime.
Wrongful convictions in perjury cases are practically unheard of. In most cases, it's blindingly obvious that the guy lied, and the only question is whether you can actually prove it and make it stick.
Silly me.
I seem to be under the delusion that "getting your facts wrong" is often misinterpreted as "lying".
It is
It is not, however, often misinterpreted as "perjury." Which, unlike lying, is a crime which might land someone behind bars and labeled "snitch."
"Snitch"
Very few snitches in this mess and do you know why? IT'S THE MONEY! Everybody made money - lots of money. Those charged with the integrity of the game didn't 'snitch'. Those who benefited the most from 'American's national pastime' didn't 'snitch'. They made money instead. So, now who do we trust to return credibility to baseball? NO ONE. Credibility, once lost, is virtually impossible to regain.
by doubleplayer on Dec 14, 2007 9:45 AM PST up reply actions
Why on earth
Does everyone just tie this to baseball... I would be willing to bet it is in EVERY sport.
Credibility.
No one in this mess really has any as far as I'm concerned. The motives of everyone involved are suspect. The media is really only interested in selling air time, prosecutors and politicians want to enhance their careers, and MLB just wants it to go away. I suppose there has to be recriminations and finger pointing. It just wouldn't be America otherwise.
Number one moneymaker
Canseco
Book due for release around next spring training
by oaklandSMASH on Dec 14, 2007 3:23 PM PST up reply actions
Who comes forward unprovoked?
Honestly. It always takes someone getting outed like this to come forward. Cansaco did it to make a buck. Frankly I find what F.P is doing to be more commendable then that.
Don't get me wrong I think what he did is retarded, and I am a little upset that he still justifies it by saying he took them to rehab from injuries to save his career. But he is doing the best possible thing he can do now at this time.
If this whole Mitchel report churns out a bunch of F.P Santangilo's who are taking credit for bad mistakes and then go on to teach the youth about the side effects (both from the drug and on your life if you get caught) then I think that is the best possible outcome.
That to me is arrogance. The criminals creed
I'm not sorry I did it, I'm just sorry I got caught.
by theblackpearl on Dec 14, 2007 9:29 AM PST up reply actions
I don't condone what F.P. did at all
but I do understand it.
I can relate to it - during my 2nd year of college I tore my quadricep up pretty bad, effectively ending my soccer career. I was probably good enough to have been a MLS equivalent of an F.P. Santangelo - not a star player by any means, but a guy who sticks around for awhile and has a nice little career as a pro.
Had I known about Steroids/HGH back then and had somebody told me "Look, inject this into your leg and it'll fix your quad, and you'll play as good or better than you ever have, but it's not exactly legal." would I have done it? Hard to say, but I'm pretty sure that I would say yes.
When it's the only thing you know and want to do, you pretty much do whatever you have to in order to continue doing it. That doesn't make it right, though.
The thing is....
in the scenario you just described, shouldn't it be a legal option? HGH is just a drug like any other and has legitimate uses. Might this be one?
I have to take up for the injured guy
who didn't take HGH because of some high moral ground, and probably missed out on the fabulous career that F.P. took instead.
Culpability is cool now, but there are honest people out there who got the boot.
It is tough though. I don't know what I would do if I were in F.P's shoes.
by oaklandSMASH on Dec 14, 2007 5:11 PM PST up reply actions
Couldn't agree less.
I heard him last night as well. He wants to wear it, which is great, and he's only human for doing so after he's been compelled. If I want to take umbrage with someone's response to this, it's Roger Clemens carefully worded legalese, instead of addressing what was included in the report on its merits (or lack thereof).
Prednisone.
</pelling fascism>
I used to like cats, but then I tried steroids
that were made for cats, and I couldn't stop scratching and licking myself. My back has never been the same, trying to reach certain spots.
by theblackpearl on Dec 14, 2007 9:21 AM PST up reply actions
If your going to roid,
from a strictly male point of view, I think I would opt for the equine variety. I like to run really fast.
Sue you like to run...
but some of us just like to sleep. And no one does sleep better than a cat. That and the flexibility.
you sound like one of those people
who believes in dinosaurs.
I thought i sounded like a person who doesn't
believe in dinosaurs
but I do, I believe in the love between two consenting dinosaurs, so long as they're not Dinosaur Jr.
I more or less don't care about this
except as a fan of public spectacle and ass-covering jujitsu. But I can't help but be amused that Roger Clemens' lawyer is named Rusty Hardin.
by FreeSeatUpgrade on Dec 14, 2007 9:48 AM PST reply actions
Why is Kiko back?
I would much rather give a AAA player a shot at the bullpen, maybe find a gem. I just cant believe we resigned Ricardo Rinco.... Kiko Calero ( psst... I meant to say it)
Damn. That's it.
Anyone want to buy a gem obscured by Kiko?
[alright, alright, trope has worn out its welcome, I get it]
Well, he was a good reliever for a couple of years. Last year he had arm problems and was terrible. Presumably he's taking a pay cut to stay on, and he's likely to be on a pretty short leash.
I'm definitely of the "throw a bunch of guys against the wall and see who sticks" theory of bullpen building, so I really don't have a problem with it as long as he's genuinely competing for a job.
Anyone know
how much he signed for? I can't find that info anywhere.
by Philip Christy on Dec 14, 2007 10:50 AM PST up reply actions
less than 80% of last year's salary, I'll bet
All these jokes...
sound like we are in denial, or maybe that is just how Athletics Nation is dealing. As someone who basically accepted that most players were juiced back around the year 2000, but continued to support MLB anyways, I finally find my ability to enjoy the game greatly diminished.
No, wait, I still enjoy the game, but I find it really difficult to contribute my money to organizations that are posting record profits while clearly scamming us first with denials and now with this cover-up "investigation". The A's, the player's union, the "front office". It is really, really, hard not to see all these folks as scumbags. Top to bottom. I see this report as an attempt by baseball businessmen (of which Mitchell is one) to "put this all behind us" and keep forking over the bucks.
Is there any thread out there where folks are posting serious responses to what is going on? Or are we just going with cute one-liners?
I am truly at odds with paying to attend a baseball game and it actually hurts. It is deciding to take a big part of my life away. Isn't anybody else hurt? Isn't anybody else suspicious of all players who suddenly can't seem to stay healthy or produce on the field (I'm looking at you, Harden)? If they ever get a test of HGH you can bet a lot more players will start sucking.
I guess I expected at least a little intelligent discourse here on AN instead of non-stop turning-into-a-horse and shrunken-testicle jokes.
You're on the wrong diary
This is the front-page Nico joke diary. Plenty of intelligent discourse in the other Bonds and Mitchell diaries.
Uh...
People have been talking about the report seriously, intelligently and passionately in several different diaries for the last couple of days.
Intelligently, and passionately? So now you
know why I haven't posted much lately.
by theblackpearl on Dec 14, 2007 2:46 PM PST up reply actions
You notice...
that I didn't say the discussions all had intelligence and passion occurring together... ;)
Bye Bye Dan Haren ...
This isn't exactly the best place for this but this news just broke .... total bummer!
by codedfreaq on Dec 14, 2007 3:18 PM PST reply actions
Maybe the worst front page diary ever
Completely unfunny. What the hell would you rather have, no report at all. This strikes me as an obviously good thing for baseball. Not perfect, but not worth another thousand words of your unceasing smugness either.
Now wait a minute - my LAST post
was the worst ever (source: humdinger). And if you think this week's posts were bad, you ain't seen nothing yet. I'm just getting warmed up!
Well finally!
I have been waiting all week for you to write a story like this. I expected a different twist. I thought you'd title it I confess. and that it would be about how you felt you couldn't keep up with Blez and BBG in the writing department. So in 2006 you decided to use steroids to aid you in your posting. But the poochini angle was cuter. :-)
Actually, it's interesting that
Cust allegedly took steroids for carpal tunnel syndrome. How do you think I manage to post every Tuesday and every Friday, with Tejada-like consistency? (And why do you think baseballgirl can bench-press Blez?)
I thought that
your ironman posting ways had to do with bourbon and goats not illicit drugs. As for BBG.. I am so naive ...I thought Greg Anderson was just her weight-lifting trainer. Imagine my shock!
"bbg" - "Bigbie" ... ?
Until now
Mitchell report seems do everything completely. Its aftermath and dicussion dismash our fans' dream. And I am hurted deeply. I don't think I will watch games for a short time, though now Spring Training Tickets are on sale.
by vandoppli on Dec 19, 2007 11:18 PM PST reply actions
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