Ambien Nation--113/162nds Report Card--Without Grades

Sort of a hippy/progressive report card, like they used to have (and maybe still do have) at Santa Cruz.  Also, the reports will be not so much evaluations but rather little discoveries I make when checking each player's on-line profile.  Or litle snerky remarks I've been wanting to "report" about each player.  

position players
Jason Kendall:  After an 0-for on Tuesday, Kendall's .271 average is exactly what it was at the end of 2005.
Mark Kotsay:  clubhouse veteran is still young enough to have started his career with the expansion Marlins.  
Milton Bradley:  I still can't believe he hit a walkoff 3-run jack against B.J. Ryan on AN Day.  As long as we can keep him on the field, this guy is definitely a "Gamer".
Frank Thomas:  I can't stop dreading watching him walk in the offseason.  
Eric Chavez:  Our lovable head case.
Jay Payton:  Our Kotsay Lite is having an up-year, compensating for Kotsay's down-year.
Nick Swisher: Seems to have regressed to last year's mean.  What?  What did I say?
Bobby Crosby: Has stolen 8 bases in 9 attempts.  <dodges negativity>
Mark Ellis: Continues to be the team's most unicorn-friendly player.  
Marco Scutaro:  Is approaching Mike Gallego-like status in terms of impressively staying in or near the everyday lineup despite all expectations to the contrary.  
Antonio Perez:  A lovable underdog in a different sense than Scutaro--in the sense that anybody hitting under .100 in August is a lovable underdog.
Dan Johnson:  Would replace Perez on major-league roster if not for some rule about options.  
Bobby Kielty:  Continues to stubbornly prevent the 2003 Lilly-for-Kielty deal from being characterized as a total disaster.
Adam Melhuse: Is two years older than Kendall.

pitchers
Barry Zito:  It's not his choice of agents that makes me sure he's gone; it's Beane's comment that the team will have to operate "the same way it has" until some stadium dollars have materialized.  
Dan Haren:  Consistently on the verge of great.
Joe Blanton:  Consistently on the verge of good.
Esteban Loaiza:  Consistently mediocre, no verge about it.
Rich Harden:  The bitterest pill of 2006.  
Kirk Sarloos:  Like Melhuse, always a guy the A's go to reluctantly.  
Shane Komine:  Not the savior he initially appeared to be.  But still, potentially, pretty good.
Brad Halsey:  Making us forget Juan Cruz.
Chad Gaudin:  Making us forget the minor leaguer(s) and/or cash considerations and/or draft picks we traded for him.  Making us forget how the hell we ever got him.
Joe Kennedy:  On the DL.  
Ron Flores:  Trying to make us forget Joe Kennedy.  
Jay Witasick:  Last pitched June 19 in Colorado.  Last posted July 27th in "Calling the ladies of AN."
Kiko Calero:  Very solid.  In 2003, he was a 28-year-old rookie.
Justin Duchscherer: Too good to have only pitched 35 innings this year.
Huston Street:  Not lights out, but lights dimmed significantly, making a rally much more difficult to start.