Okay, I can't read everything all the time, so I need your guys' help. Here are the quotes I've collected during the month. Don't vote yet. If you know of a funny quote that was not included, PLEASE post it in this diary.
I will be taking submissions until NOON on Friday. At that time, I will delete this diary and post another one, this one with all the quotes, numbered. In that diary, you will be given voting instructions. I'll make the final count at midnight on Monday (Labor Day).
Thanks for playing! Good luck to everyone!
In response to I Miss Jason Giambi's, "This offense is bound to kill me"
Clearly, you are not a baseball.
...A year later, I lived with two girls, one was a die-hard Sox fan with a creepy Pedro Martinez bobblehead that I, to this day, believe came alive at night....
In response to salb918, "Neutron stars have their own internal problems; nobody seems to take charge in that group."
Actually, a neutron star is a really close group. Though just between you and me, they are a little dense.
ESPN -- You're on Notice!
In response to Sharon's, "Seriously, where did Mulder's fastball go?"
Over the fence, repeatedly?
I had one in my house once.
Raccoons are EVERYWHERE in Connecticut. If you don't have your garbage cans secured properly overnight, it's not a matter of "if" your trash will be strewn all over the place--just when.
I made the mistake of leaving the garage door open one night, and only shut the screen door into the house. The raccoon opened the screen door and headed straight for the pantry. My father saw it, and ran away screaming "BEAR!", because he didn't know the English word for raccoon, and raccoon is "Waeschbaer" in German (too lazy to find the umlauts). It tore open a plastic bottle of maple syrup, among other things. That sure was fun to clean off a hardwood floor.
after one of the near-grand slams
Love it when Gameday gets emotional in its placement of outs -- the Swisher fly out was represented by a fat red dot somewhere on the left field stairs.
Yeah, Santa has a strained oblique.
Scioscia is widely considered to be a good clubhouse manager (almost to a fault). But if he ordered no retaliations, and his men always follow orders, then why was Santiago is such grave danger? Whoops, I mean, why were extra beanballs thrown?
I remember Hatteberg saying the best hitting coaches were bad hitters, because they don't try and make you hit like they did.
Obviously, there's only one solution.
BARRY ZITO FOR HITTING COACH.
on spelling Scioscia
The Angel manager's last name is spelled:
W-h-i-n-e-y-b-i-t-c-h. For future reference.
In response to, "MLB is attempting to get fantasy sports sites to pony up for the use of players' names and stats. They were unsuccessful, but plan to appeal"
(salb918) MLB's plan:
Take an activity that is increasing the popularity of baseball and make sure nobody else can offer it.
Make yourself the sole provider of the activity.
F--- it up with a bad user interface and shitty customer service.
Charge people to use it.
The stats for players on your roster, in your geographic area, are "blacked out" and must be entered manually, at the ballpark.
Shoeless Jay Witasick...
Will he be portrayed in a future movie by Ray Liotta wearing a tube top?
You're right about Kruk. His biggest announcing claim before BBTN was Best Damn Sports Show where he sat and let Tom Arnold make fun of him and humiliate him on national TV.
I say bring in Rickey Henderson. It would be awesome to watch Rickey give analysis while referring to himself in 3rd person like he used to.
"Rickey believes that the Tigers are headed for a downward slide because Rickey doesn't see their bullpen holding up all year."
In response to schnucken, "I hope Kendall puts on extra padding before every Rangers game. "
<wraps Kendall in Blanton>
After a particularly hard night of posting
<hugs AN server>
It's gonna be OK.
My friends like me, my family likes me, some of my ex-girlfriends like me. Hell, even the A's have liked me 9 times more than they haven't! Chill out.
Paris Hilton: "I'm going celibate."
Regarding the merits of the `Comeback Player of the Year' award
The "I suck less" award
sponsored by Viagra.
in the `bad old days', funny how things change
rocks gently back and forth with arms outstretched singing "We have youuuurrrr spaaaaace, 5-A Rent-a-Spaaaaaaaaaaace" to comfort himself at prospect of Loaiza staying in this game
Now those hotel surveys
make sense. You know the ones where you rate, "How was our service?" (circle one)
Excellent Very Good Good Fair Poor Loaiza
Erik being Erik
In response to alamedagirl, "What's Eric Chavez's at-bat music??"
In response to baseballgirl, "Hello? Offense?"
I am sorry, but Milton is not available right now
if you would like to leave a message, he might be able to get back to you in the 9th.
Thanks for calling.
In response to baseballgirl, "Loaiza out, bullpen in... ...offense MIA."
MIA=Milton Isn't Available?
With apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein...
How do you solve a problem like Nick Swisher?
How do you take a bat and swing it `round?
How do you find a word that means Nick Swisher?
A towering homer! A swing and a miss! Sit down!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him.
Can Slusser keep him out of the pub crawl?
Will he try to rebel,
If he goes on the DL?
How do you keep his eye upon the ball?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Nick Swisher?
How do you end his OPS freefall?
In response to SportySpice, "Feel that earthquake? My bobbleheads are still jiggling."
my crosby bobblehead pulled a muscle.
and harden is dead.
In response to the SoCal AN Day invitation
Wow that's awesome
If I can fly down that weekend I'll get my sig. other to take me (he's a Giant's fan but I'll just tell him we're going to Disneyland). So. Cal AN Day, here we come!
In response to Turn Two, "Does this mean they aren't endangered anymore? A zoo in China now has 16 panda cubs.
My jacket should be arriving any day now.
~Sorry, I lost who posted this...can someone post it below?
You know what I can't get over?
That freaky teddy bear on those fabric softener ads.
Snuggle? Yeah, here it is:
I'm tellin' ya, if this thing ever shows up in my laundry, I'm stuffing it head-first in the garbage disposal.
That bear creeps me out.
Diet decaf Coke?
I know how to make that!
Melted brown crayon
Mix and enjoy!
Response to BleacherDave, "Swing softly..... and carry a big stick..."
What is that?
A Swisher pick up line?
In response to Amnesiac727, "Lets make some noise!!! "
<types very loudly>
In response to GreenNGoldSooner, "<Standing O for Cupcakes!>"
Great play Chavy!
This is a recording!
Jennifer: They should have an ice cream machine installed over at first. I'd bet Joe would hustle over there more often.
asfaninTX: I wonder what his favorite flavor is?
Jennifer: Do they make vodka flavored ice cream?
Tonight's my anniversay, so I better finish typing this before my significant other gets out of the bathroom -- sweet K for Joe! "see" everyone next time...
A's Notes: Harden exceeds expectations
that's great news
but "exceeds expectations" by how much? because i expected him to be dead...
In response to LAXile, "can i hire someone to do stat research
on how many runs the A's have scored on errors in a ratio to how many runs they save with their stellar d? what would be a good acronym for this stat?"
In response to louismg, "Nico for Manager!
He called Crosby and Komine!
(Of course, he called everybody on the roster. Most didn't return the calls...)
He must've hacked Alyssa Milano's PDA again
After THE PLAY by Chavvy
esteban needs to take chavez out to dinner
only chavez needs to drive.
In response to Joey, "The Mariners' broadcaster...just described Marco Scutaro as "dangerous."
The A's team bus driver is "dangerous" to the Mariners.