Help Wanted: Priest

by DMtShooter on Jun 16, 2006 11:45 PM PDT

Brothers and Sisters,

Your AN Confessional Parson is giving up his post.

(I'm also moving out of the Bay Area, and won't have the time to handle penance for, well, possibly ever.)

So... reply with why you should be the High Priest of the AN Confessional. The pay is spectacular, and the health benefits are unmatched. Contact Blez for all of the details on that.

The decision of the Parson shall be final. Bribery (we prefer to call it indulgences) is heartily encouraged.

You're also welcome to post your sins, and receve some good 'ol Shooter penance, while you still can.

DMt, Giving 2 Weeks Notice

Poll

DMtShooter is Leaving. I plan to

Put $50 on Nico to get the gig, since he likes to play dress up

7 votes

Read his back diaries and comments while dabbing away tears

5 votes

Dance in the streets, Broadway-style, because I'm Just That Secure In Who I Am

4 votes

Link his leaving to a secret plan to move the A's away from the Bay Area

8 votes

Blink twice, slowly, and try to figure out who he was again

20 votes

Post a political reply

0 votes

Use the opportunity to create a public groundswell to FIRE MACHA NOW

4 votes

Club him to death with Antonio Perez's unused bats, then eat his brain, to gain his Parson spirit

6 votes

Tell him he can't leave, because I just can't live without hiim [sob]

10 votes

Engage in a flame war over who should be the new Parson

1 votes

65 votes | Poll has closed

Tweet Comment 15 comments | 0 recs |

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Comments

I looked at the matchups with SEA

and saw us winning 2 of 3...I lacked Faith in the 21 game winning streak!!!

I criticized Macha for sitting Payton for a LH Kielty on Wed.

* On a side note, I miss these things!!! Who cares if you move away, unless you're going to the pen, you can still do the occasional thread!!!

KEEP DMT NOW!!!

While taint is everywhere and baseball is certainly no different, it's important that it be treated with open attention-Devo

by saint @ Athletics Nation on Jun 17, 2006 7:46 AM PDT reply actions

I agree

But just in case. If elected, I will keep the Oakland A's in Oakland. I will build them a new stadium and I will resign Barry Zito. Tall order? yes but its not like I have to come through with any of them, just promise them and forget about them once I am in office, like a true decent politician

"They don't wanna get smacked upside the head with the Jesus Pan" - Poppy

by Amnesiac727 on Jun 17, 2006 8:20 AM PDT up reply actions

You deserve (Need?) a more attentive priest.

For the sin of doubting the streak, you must re-read the Scott Hatteberg chapter from Moneyball again, where he hits the homer to clinch it.

You will do this in a public coffeehouse, and you will cry real tears, without shame, as you think of Hattie taking ground balls from his wife in the cold Washington rain.

There is no sin in questioning the manager. This is like breathing to true A's fans.

Now go, and sin no more!

DMt

by DMtShooter on Jun 18, 2006 12:10 AM PDT up reply actions

good luck DMT

with your new life. Though with the power of the internets, you should be able to continue... on the Internets, no one knows you're a dog, or a dog in Siberia for that matter.

by Apricot on Jun 17, 2006 9:18 AM PDT reply actions

I too have sinned.............

I wished a boil on Macha for not giving Chavy a couple of days to heal while the M's were in town.

Best of luck in the new life.

you keep on drumming you hot little pieces of OAKLAND man candy!!!! - Batgirl

by Duke of left field on Jun 17, 2006 9:48 AM PDT reply actions

I voted for the "blink twice"

poll option ... but only because it was the funniest one. It has been probably a year since my last confession.

by rubin sierra on Jun 17, 2006 11:04 AM PDT reply actions

A tribute....

In the meadow we can build a snowman...
And pretend that he is Parson DMtShooter...
He'll say "Are you A's fans?" We'll say "No man..."
But you can do the job while you're at Hooter's...

Thanks for everything. You've really changed my life at the AN Confessional.

(Well, not really. But fare thee well anyway.)

Dorian on Bonds: "Still, I love it when Bonds wins at the game that he plays."

by FormerHuntsvilleStar on Jun 17, 2006 11:22 AM PDT reply actions

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

by RevHalofan on Jun 17, 2006 1:06 PM PDT reply actions

Hah! DMT has been doing this for over a year:

Oh!!! You immitate him!

While taint is everywhere and baseball is certainly no different, it's important that it be treated with open attention-Devo

by saint @ Athletics Nation on Jun 17, 2006 1:08 PM PDT up reply actions

forgive me father, for i have sinned

many times.

i have turned off the radio, during a critical point in the game, while the A's had runners in scoring position, just so i could have sex.

i have secretly thought that the whole sports fan thing is a stupid waste of time, while at the same time have not been able to break the habit of caring about the A's. in the same vein, i downplay my affection for the A's in the same way an alcoholic hides his booze.

i've also been hiding my booze.

and my bong.

i have failed to grasp the hatred of the giants. the closest i can get is indifference to them.

i almost always refuse to buy tickets ahead of time and am the kind of walk up customer that apparently will drive the ownership to move from oakland to lodi.

i voted for jerry brown, several times. walter mondale and mike dukakis as well.

and on it goes.

in the same way that i can't stop liking the A's, i hope that you can't stop doing the confessional thing, from wherever it is that you are going.

by danh on Jun 17, 2006 2:22 PM PDT reply actions

Much to discuss here.

1) Sex is more important than regular season baseball games, but only if you are attempting to bring more A's fans into the world. The AN Confessional is Catholic in its desire to fill the new stadium with true believers of the Green and Gold.

If you are simply wasting your A's seed, this is an offense that requires penance. Read "Portnoy's Complaint", and write a 500-word book report on how the entire tale is a thinly veiled allegory for the career of Jeremy Giambi. Cite your sources.

2) The Confessional is substance-blind when it comes to mind-altering chemicals. We state simply this: any drug that gets in the way of you thinking clearly and coherently about the Oakland Athletics is an offense, assuming that the purchase of the substance does not benefit the team.

So go cold turkey while away from the park, and binge drink at the Coliseum so that the A's have enough money to sign all of their draft picks. (If you want to do this while having sex, remember to tip the hot dog vendor generously. He's a busy and talented man, and his skills are legendary.)

Your priest also fails to hate the Giants, unless they are playing the A's. Giant fans, on the other hand, are noxious twerps who would rather lose with a historic turd than win with players who might be younger than your average Supreme Court justice.
You can correct the failure to buy in advance through the purchase of sacremental beer at the Coliseum. This is what we in the biz call an indulgence.
I'd comment on who you vote for, but as that would be a Poltical Comment, it would immediately be stricken from the records of AN. For the record, I am inclined to ABORT ABORT ABORT CEASE DESIST LOOK AWAY POSSIBLE POLITICAL VIEW POINT BEING EXPRESSED OH THE HUMANITY OH THE HUMANITY OH JEEZ WE'VE ALL SOILED OURSELVES.

DMt, from an undisclosed location

by DMtShooter on Jun 18, 2006 12:21 AM PDT up reply actions

Never using the internet again?

Have YOU sinned so badly that God is sending you to the depths of hell?

July 11th... My.....Space?

by ohad on Jun 17, 2006 10:16 PM PDT reply actions

No...

I'm not going to an Angels game on Thunderstick Giveaway Day. (rim shot) Thanks, love ya! I'm here all week! Try the veal!

DMt

by DMtShooter on Jun 18, 2006 12:22 AM PDT up reply actions

Bless me, DMtShooter, for I have sinnned.

It's been almost a year since my last confession. These are my sins.

My mind wanders during the game. I leave the room with the TV on in order to get something to eat. I stop listening on the radio to pay attention to my driving. I look away from Gameday to do work.
When I'm at the game in the Coliseum, I can't remember plays that just happened. I forget who's next in the lineup. Instead I people-watch or look out for the malt vendor. I harbor ill thoughts about my fellow A's fans, especially those who cheer too loudly or use my cupholder instead of their own.
I especially think impure thoughts when I'm sitting next to a newbie fan whose boyfriend is explaining to her who all the players are and how the game is played. Even though a long time ago I once mistook Mark Mulder for Tim Hudson and even though today I sometimes clap when someone on the opposing team hits a sac fly and gets an out because I realize belatedly they did it to score a run.
As much as I love the A's, I resent how much of my time I spend watching them, reading and writing about them, spending money on them, and feeling superstitious because of them. I only check AN occasionally and I stopped reading my newspapers' Sports sections in the morning.

Those are my sins. I'm truly sorry and I don't want to sin anymore. Even though I slightly resent the time I spent writing this confession. What is my penance?

I'll pray for you, DMtShooter, wherever you may go and I thank you for the spiritual guidance you've provided.

I have faith.

by BillybUcko on Jun 18, 2006 8:10 PM PDT reply actions

A late penance, but here it is.

All of your sins can be grouped into the same family: the sin of not being present to the team. Your wandering attention is because you are putting your own life before the team.

It's fine to have other interests; being a good fan doesn't have anything to do with being a single-interest person. But when you go, go. Leave distraction behind, and be in the game.

Here's your penance:

Until you have a lapse-free game, no personal electronic devices at the game.
When you do have lapses, your more attentive A's fan friends get to administer mild physical traumas (hand slaps, pinches, etc.).
If the mild physical traumas don't do the trick, they get to play Strips Baseball with you -- for every lapse, an article of clothing is removed. You'll either be an A's fan, or you'll be cold. Or, potentially, incarcerated.

Post back how this works out.

Now go, and sin no more!

DMt

by DMtShooter on Jun 22, 2006 7:49 AM PDT reply actions