The Hopelessly Overdue Return of AN Confessional

by DMtShooter on May 16, 2006 12:37 AM PDT

Dear Friends,

For 18 wins and 19 losses, the A's have wandered in the wilderness of mediocrity.

For six long weeks, Athletics Nation has cried out for relief from a crises of faith.

This was supposed to be easier.

Many of us seek answers. Some assurance that May will not always bring maladies, malaise and morass. We know not why the vestments of green and gold fail to burn brightly until the seasons turn.

Some of you have doubt. Antonio Perez, you have seen before, when his name was Keith Ginter. Esteban Loiaza has the same number of syllables as Ariel Prieto. With a batting average less than his weight, Frank Thomas has Hurt you before he Hurt himself. Matt Watson is gone, and everything tastes of ash.

And verily I say unto you... know ye not the ways of Beane? Hast thou not comprehended the pattern, the understanding that the goyim and the first half are simply for practice?

Look upon the moribund Winged Fairies Of A Southern California Zip Code, and be of good heart. Consider the Impotent Seamen to the North, locked into an endless future of Sexson to Beltre to Bat Rack, Pop Fly. Look south upon the Mirage Strangers at the Grand Theft of Arlington, who plan to reach the post-season with the novel ideal of recreating the pitching rotation of the Philadelphia Phillies. (When they somehow get their fiendish hands on Brandon Duckworth and Eric Milton, feel free to panic.)

Know ye not that The Way is hard? Know ye not that May will always bring a weekend series that resuscitates the Yankees, that Bobby Crosby will never play more than 130 games a year, that the young pitchers will always struggle before turning it around, and that Barry Zito is always a Zen koan away from getting roped or going 9?

My children, your faith is being tested. If you have failed the test, speak now, so that you may be absolved and cleansed before the Inevitable Surge.

For verily, it is easier for a rich man to pass into the left field bleachers than it is for Jason Kendall to reach the Kingdom of Homer. Or Something.

Confess, and receive your penance!

Poll

Has your faith passed the test of 18-19?

What the heck is an AN Confessional?

8 votes

I have no idea, but I saw a manifestation of Charles Thomas in a piece of beef jerky last night.

9 votes

No, I have sinned against BB

5 votes

Yes, I am drinking Kool-Aid That Tastes Of Stomper

21 votes

I don't know, but let's FIRE MACHA NOW

7 votes

No, and I insist upon a vigorous penance. Mmm, penance.

4 votes

Yes, but the priest's lenghty absence shows he doth protest too much

12 votes

Is there an answer that someone gets me access to a nude Huston Street?

19 votes

My faith was irrevocably damaged by the closing of the third deck

3 votes

Faith, schmaith, this team's not playing worth a Rincon

4 votes

92 votes | Poll has closed

Tweet Comment 42 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

I require absolution

Last month I was offered a free ticket to a game against the Tigers. I declined, and the deciding factor was that Loaiza was starting that day.

Esteban paid me back for my lack of faith by delivering his only decent start of the season, and Swish smashed two dingers. Is this penance enough?

by nickolai on May 16, 2006 2:45 AM PDT reply actions

Nay.

For now, you have to be cleansed of the doubt that your viewing is not conducive to an A's win.

Some would say that the only fitting penance would be the purchase of a Loaiza jersey, but your priest does not believe in hair shirts.

Instead, you must pledge to do this. In the event of another Loaiza start, you must watch his entire performance, with eyes and nostrils wide open, without flinching, cringing, or using the Curt Schilling / Mitch Williams towel move. And if Loaiza wins, you must commit to the same vigilance in his next start.

Only through this immersion therapy into the root of your discomfort can you be cleansed.

Now go, and sin no more!

DMt

by DMtShooter on May 16, 2006 12:37 PM PDT up reply actions

I confess

to swearing at Loaiza, when it isn't his fault he can't strike out a batter to save his life.

I feel better know.

I own too many darn shoes!

by californiagirl on May 16, 2006 7:55 AM PDT reply actions

I think thou doth need do penance...

at the alter of Spellcheck.

New advertising campaign...A's Brand Baseball: Blink, and You'll Miss It. - Kyli

by McFood on May 16, 2006 9:19 AM PDT up reply actions

oh heck,

i saw my mistake right after i hit 'post', and it was too late.

I own too many darn shoes!

by californiagirl on May 16, 2006 9:27 AM PDT up reply actions

don't feel bad... he misspelled "altar"

"If we wanted you to be happy, we'd authorize you to be happy and we'd issue happiness to you." ~~ my boss

by Poppy on May 16, 2006 9:47 AM PDT up reply actions

Wasn't me! That was my altar ego!

Or, when possesed by the spirit of a former A's ROY SS(not BoCro), it's my Walter ego.

New advertising campaign...A's Brand Baseball: Blink, and You'll Miss It. - Kyli

by McFood on May 16, 2006 10:45 AM PDT up reply actions

spare me!

I own too many darn shoes!

by californiagirl on May 16, 2006 10:50 AM PDT up reply actions

A minor sin.

My child, I would worry more for your A's soul if you did not swear at the offending pitcher, for that would show a malaise of the spirit that runs contrary to the cause of Good Fan Karma.

If you swore in the presence of small children, or if your conscience continues to bother you for this transgression, accept this penance. For Loaiza's next start, you must watch it while consuming Big League Chew bubble gum, and express all opinions of his performance through the medium of Big League Chew. (Note: Spitting is not considered speech.)

We'd also like to point out that this AN Confessional is brought to you by Big League Chew, the gum of choice of the AN Confessional ever since the check cleared. When you've got a hankering for absolution of your soul, think Big League Chew!

Now go, and sin no more!

DMt

by DMtShooter on May 16, 2006 12:42 PM PDT up reply actions

rest easy

I didn't swear in front of children.

I own too many darn shoes!

by californiagirl on May 16, 2006 12:47 PM PDT up reply actions

I am ashamed

After numerous occasions where the A's began innings by getting two runners on and then proceded with three outs and no runner advancement...or getting runners on base after two outs only to get that third out and leave the runners stranded as well...
I am ashamed to say that I started to call out chokes in advance and out loud in the presence of my Angel-fan-brother-in-law.

by easyraider on May 16, 2006 9:02 AM PDT reply actions

Shame!

Your negative karma is an offense to all that is holy. Shame!

Dost thou not understand the wisdom of Small Sample Size? Is thy faith so fragile that you would betray your fan soul for the small and petty comfort of predicting a morose future? Or art thou secretly trying to curry favor with the loathsome Winged Traveling Fairy contingent?

For this grave sin, your penance will require the assistance of a loved one. For a period of one day, when this loved one is in your presence, they must loudly and persistently call out your own personal choke moments. If you are trying to open a jar, they will heckle you. If you are playing a video game, they will taunt you. If you are driving together, they will point out your failure to make it past a yellow light. And so on. You may wish to refrain from physical encounters for this period.

Only once you have tasted your own bitter wine may your palate be cleansed.

Now go, and sin no more!

DMt

by DMtShooter on May 16, 2006 12:48 PM PDT up reply actions

Forgive me, err, Shooter, for I have sinned

I have been guilty of TiVoing a game, and then checking the final score beforehand to decide whether or not to cast my gaze upon the agony that is a loss.

And, since it's becoming a theme in this thread:

Especially when The One With Vultures Circling His Arm, known as Loaizapher, is atop the hill.

New advertising campaign...A's Brand Baseball: Blink, and You'll Miss It. - Kyli

by McFood on May 16, 2006 9:25 AM PDT reply actions

I can't do that

I do everything I can to avoid tickers until I start watching the game. Knowing the outcome takes too much away for me.

by easyraider on May 16, 2006 9:53 AM PDT up reply actions

I don't peek if I have time to watch the game...

but if it's s matter of staying up real late to watch, or getting my beauty sleep, welll...you know, it's not easy.

New advertising campaign...A's Brand Baseball: Blink, and You'll Miss It. - Kyli

by McFood on May 16, 2006 10:43 AM PDT up reply actions

Technology will tempt even the heartiest spirit.

I, too, have found myself guilty of wanting to look only when the game is pleasing to the eye. It is a sin that must be avoided, for no other reason then how the Confessional is really counting on the continued largesse of Big League Chew.

For your penance, you must listen to your next A's game strictly on radio, without the benefit of any other technology. You also have the option of lighting a candle every time you think of Bill King whilst you do this. (If the Confessional did this, it would be a fire hazard.)

If thou dost choose the candle route, consider Big League Chew as an additional source of candle wax. A thousand and one uses.

Now go, and sin no more!

DMt

by DMtShooter on May 16, 2006 1:01 PM PDT up reply actions

I confess that I too was losing faith

And then Billy brought forth the rain in Kansas City torrents, wiping the earth clean of a six run abomination that thousands believed they had seen with their own eyes just moments before. If I recall correctly, lightening and thunder rang out of a clear sky, and the assembled congregation looked up, only to have their heads bowed by a deluge of, well, biblical proportions, as Billy enforced the reverence from which we of wavering faith had strayed.

That's how I remember it. And I believe!

Defeat d'Anaheim!

by FreeSeatUpgrade on May 16, 2006 9:36 AM PDT reply actions

Here endeth the lesson.

For those who blaspheme against the One True Elephantine Team, there will come a day when a hard rain will come down and wash away the filth, the chattel, and those without Faith.

And on that fateful day, BB will load 2 of all that he needs -- left-handed starters, right-handed closers, power-hitting OFs, defensive fill-ins, affordable veteran OBA machines and breakthrough young players with confidence to burn -- on an arc-like van and roll them to the New Ballpark Land.

Will you be on that boat? Or will you, like so many before, sail only in fair weather? A fan of convenience is a hollow fan.

DMt

by DMtShooter on May 16, 2006 1:55 PM PDT up reply actions

Let's hope the ark also has two dogmas

Since just one wouldn't lend itself very well to repopulation of the species. I'm not sure how well two lefty starters will either, but that's a different article of faith.

If and when we get to El Dorado, the mythical (newballpark) land of (green and) gold, I'll be there. This fan survived long journies through barren deserts, from the sold-for-parts late 70s to beefy construction workers doing the YMCA on the rafters of what would become Mt. Davis. Whether I like the glittering gold new palace as much as the comfortable church in which I proved my faith is another question for another day.

Defeat d'Anaheim!

by FreeSeatUpgrade on May 16, 2006 2:13 PM PDT up reply actions

Forgive Me Billy, For I have Sinned

It has been almost a year since my last confession.

First, I must give thanks to the great lord above for keeping Bobby healthy for the most part, and for giving Swisher the strength to carry the team through some hard times.

Second, I have sinned against Antonio Perez. I try so hard to have faith. But I just can't do it when he comes to the plate. I have been know to take my commercial bathroom breaks early when he is up with 2 outs. When the game is TiVo-ed, I will fast forward his ABs because I simply cannot take the torture.

I have to thank Billy for his insight and brilliance in picking up Milton Bradley, but I must confess, I often question why he insisted on bringing Perez along for the ride!

Forgive Me! I know not what I do!!

"Now, I'm not the guy who's in trouble, it's the guy on the mound who's in trouble.'' Swisher Pics

by BobbyCrosbysGirl on May 16, 2006 9:50 AM PDT reply actions

Unto the least

You know what you have done. You have sinned against the Holy Laundry.

For your penance, recite the following passage from the Book of Wash five times.

* * * * *

Then the unworthy members of AN will answer as one, "BB, when did we see you wave the bat as if a leper and cheer you, or run as if you were carrying a load of something unclean in your trousers?"

BB will reply, "I tell you tht truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these players of mine, and oh yes, Perez is the least, so much so that he makes Scutaro look like Tejada, I'm just about ready to come down and see if he's actually Keith Ginter in disguise, you did for me."

Then BB will say to those on AN, "Depart from your negativitiy for you are cursed... for I was of low confidence and you booed me, I was needing support and you jeered me... I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for Antonio Perez, you did not do for me."

Washington 25:37-40

Here endeth the lesson.

DMt

by DMtShooter on May 16, 2006 2:31 PM PDT up reply actions