Getcha FREE 3rd Deck Cheapskate T-Shirt!

Yes, you spent years up there enjoying the great view from Section 318... letting your kids kick the backs of uninhabited seats in Section 325 rather than drive other fans crazy in the more densely populated areas... basking in the warm glow that comes from knowing that there are still good deals to be found in life. The Third Deck was a wonderful place... but now it's gone! Not only that, you've been characterized as a bad fan by those well-heeled folks who think the team would have been better off had you stayed at home (no doubt a hot-sheet flophouse located between an electroplating factory and a slaughterhouse) and watched the game on your 13" black-and-white TV with the tinfoil antenna instead of showing up to root, root, root for the home team while they played the (Devil Rays/Royals/NL Team You Never Heard Of).

Now here's your chance to show your true 3rd Deck Cheapskate colors! Let 'em know how you feel about the reconfigured ballpark on Opening Night, as you sport your groovy new 3DC T-shirt, featuring the image of the Bad Fan, the balding, red-jacket-wearing star of such in-stadium scoreboard classics as "Use Foul Language, Go To Jail!" and "Don't Eat Ten of Them Dollar Dogs, Ya Pig!" Just follow the simple instructions below:

1. Print this PDF file on any printer. NOTE: Do not print this on your employer's laser printer using expensive card stock, so you can skip the whole glue-to-cardboard sequence. That would be wrong!

2. Find some heavy paper or thin (noncorrugated) cardboard. File folders, cracker boxes, posterboard, etc. work well.

3. Apply white glue to back of stencil printout. Smear it around so that a thin layer of glue covers the printed areas.

4. Press the printout onto the cardboard. Let glue dry.

5. Cut off the excess cardboard around the image. Leave enough of a border to prevent overspray around the edges.

6. Cut out black areas with X-Acto knife. Yes, this will take a while and requires that you cut out all kinds of weird little holes for the letters... but you're a cheapskate, aintcha? You want a free shirt? Get cutting!

7. Get a shirt (preferably yellow) and some spray paint (preferably green), lay the stencil on the shirt, and get spraying. Bonus cheapskate points if you already have the shirt and paint on hand. Hint: You'll get a clearer image if you press the stencil firmly onto the T-shirt while spraying; this can be done by placing some rocks around the stencil. Spray paint survives multiple washings pretty well.

8. The results. Oh, yeah! Note handy pocket for carrying your $14 Can't See Nothing Section ticket.

9. Here's FreeSeatUpgrade Jr. modeling his snazzy new 3rd Deck Cheapskate shirt. All the other kids will be in awe of his coolness. Note worldly, leading-edge-of-fashion facial expression.

10. Here's FreeSeatUpgrade Jr. upon learning that, in spite of having a shirt proclaiming his 3rd Deck Cheapskateness, he won't be sitting in his beloved third deck this season. So instead of having room to run around and burn off energy in the wide-open, quick-access-to-Stomper-Fun-Zone spaces of Section 321 during a game, he'll be sitting right behind you, cotton candy in one sticky hand and half-melted Frosty Malt in the other, squealing "MARCO! SCUTARO!" inches from your ear and dripping sugary goodness down the back of your neck! Hey, it's for the good of the team! The A's will float to a World Series victory on a river made from the bitter tears of cute little boys like FSU Jr! Boys who might have grown up to be loyal lifelong A's fans, but instead will become hulking, heavily-armed nihilists who will make your retirement years a time of fear and misery.

For those of you who can't manage to scrape up the materials and time to make your own... well, I have serious doubts about whether you really deserve to fly the 3DC flag. But I'll have the stencil and some spray paint with me in the parking lot before the game on Monday (hell yes, I'm taking the day off from work and spending the afternoon tailgating), so bring your blank shirts and look for me. I'll be the guy next to the gold Crown Victoria wearing... well, you know what I'll be wearing.