The Urban Traveler Reports: All In All...

by Nico on Dec 30, 2006 7:02 AM PST in News

Now finishing the second leg of my vacation, I am grateful to be in Philadelphia, home of the Phillies and other things like culture, crisp air, and things to do. Not that I was unappreciative of the Florida Keys, which seems like a really wonderful place to die. This is, by the way, is one of only two things to do in the Florida Keys, the other being "waiting to die". But don't get me wrong: The Keys are really beautiful, and I would highly recommend that you buy a postcard. It's just that if you actually go there you really have to make your own entertainment because after walking, eating, swimming, taking a nap, more eating, more swimming, another short nap, some more walking, a snack, a medium-sized nap, and some more walking, the Florida Keys Chamber of Commerce is pretty much out of ideas. So in case you ever find yourself in the Florida Keys, here are a few suggestions of ways I found you can keep yourself entertained:

* Ask a stranger if they would explain the difference between an alligator and a crockodile. When they're done, look at them earnestly and say, "OK, I get it! So then what's the difference between an alligator and a ferret?"

* Go to a grocery store, and bring a single grape to the checkstand. When it doesn't move the scale, insist that it has to be free. Make a fuss if necessary. When the checker, just to keep the line moving, finally agrees, go get another grape and walk through the same line. Continue doing this over and over until the checker starts crying or quits.

* Make reservations at a restaurant under "Donner: Party of 12." When the waitress comes to take your order, say, "I think we're good, thanks." Optional: Ask the waitress if, by any chance, there are any other waitresses available who might be "a little more meaty".

* Walk into a Toys R Us and go to Customer Service. Smile politely and ask, "Do you have any toys?" The representative may look a bit puzzled but will undoubtedly say yes. At that point reply, "Great--I'll have two, please."

* Go to a supermarket, and arrive at the checkstand with butter, whip cream, some rope, a chain, and a blindfold, and ask the checker, "Do you know where I can buy a live goat?" After they answer, say, "Hey, are you free later tonight?"

* Stop someone on the street and ask if they know how far the nearest Insane Asylum is. Before they can answer, say, "I'm just curious how many miles I've run so far."

* Walk up to an elderly couple, stare for a moment, and then whisper, "I see dead people!"

* Walk through a crowded marketplace and ask every single adult female, "Are you Sharon?"

Please feel free to add any suggestions for the urban traveler who needs more excitement than the serene beaches of Florida can offer. And I'll see you all back in Berkeley, where I'm considered to be pretty normal!

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Nico, by any chance

are you a big fan of Groucho Marx?

by Salvatore on Dec 30, 2006 7:11 AM PST reply actions

That Communist?

I hear he's a big fan of mine.

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Dec 30, 2006 8:06 AM PST up reply actions

Go up to

Northern Israel, (it's a beautiful area actually), and stay in a kibbutz near the border of Lebanon and listen to the Israeli airforce bomb Hezbolla just a few killometers away on the other side of the hills. Did that years ago--folks--that's been going on their since the 1980's. Seriously, I've found the best way to meet people when I've backpacked alone is to stay in hostels or even B&B's, and also, sign up for a day trip--like hiking or something-- with a smaller group. Any place you stay usually knows about stuff like that.

by Salvatore on Dec 30, 2006 7:28 AM PST reply actions

Nico, your problem was...

you treated Key West like it was supposed to be a vacation.

Next time, do what I did--GET A JOB!

It was October 1982 and I was backpacking/hitchhiking across the country with my old college roommate. We'd gotten a ride from with two crazy German tourists from Everglades National Park down to Key West in their subcompact rental (a harrowing ride as the speeding driver pulled out to pass every car he could on the narrow two-lane highway down through the keys.)

"Hey man, this ain't the Autobahn! Slow down!"

FantasyFest, a two-week long bacchanalian party that leads up to Halloween was in full swing. We heard a rumor that the town was hiring security for a concert (Peter Tosh) so we went down to the Chamber of Commerce and applied for jobs, saying "Joe" sent us, and were hired. We each got a blue T-shirt, with skull and crossbones on the front and "SECURITY" emblazoned on the back and were told to report that night at the big tented outdoor pavilion. Looking forward to hearing some great reggae, we were instead relegated to the mellow island sounds of Bertie Higgins.

We didn't have it all. Unlike Bogie and Bacall.

BUT...we got paid enough scratch to keep traveling.

French Vanilla

by Ice Cream on Dec 30, 2006 8:04 AM PST reply actions

I should defend Key West a bit--

I spent one afternoon and evening in Key West and it was far and away better than any other part of the Keys--it looked like I could actually spend at least 3 days happily enjoying the downtown, culture, restaurants, etc. before wanting to blow my brains out. I also hear it's easy to get a job in Key West, but maybe not the kind you're talking about.

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Dec 30, 2006 8:11 AM PST up reply actions

our stupid family tradition since the 70s

Doesn't quite apply to your situation perfectly, but here goes: when you're going to a baseball game and you've parked in the lot and are walking up to the ballpark surrounded by other people wearing baseball fanatic gear, it's always fun to innocently ask strangers if they're "goin' to the ballgame?" They either get it and laugh or look at you like you're a simpleton or space alien. You can vary the joke situation to situation. For instance, if you're in the line at Fenton's, you could ask, "you goin' to get some ice cream"?

by Brian in 317 on Dec 30, 2006 8:21 AM PST reply actions

When I'm down in FL

one of the most entertaining things to do is just to drive around and watch in amazement. Driving laws are optional down there now. I cannot count how many people I've seen blow through lights or my favorite, watching them stop at the red light for 3 seconds and then blow through it causing traffic to be all messed up.

The area in florida that I go to is full of baseball players, so another fun thing to do is go to the strangest places and look to see if you find one of them.

by Katie on Dec 30, 2006 8:57 AM PST reply actions

That gives me an idea

How about flagging down a police car and when it pulls over ask the officer, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Dec 30, 2006 9:30 AM PST up reply actions

Always fun!

Another thing I do is, wait until about 6PM and then go outside. Wait and listen for the firetrucks to leave the station, and then look for the house whose cook is burning dinner. Take bets. This happens nightly where I go.

Oooh! We stay with family when we go, so we're in a 55 and older condo community. At my age, I'm still "interesting" to these people. I try to see how many heads I can turn. That takes up alot of my time when I dont venture out into the city.

by Katie on Dec 30, 2006 10:11 AM PST up reply actions

I'm guessing...

you're known as "Katherine" to most of the residents.

"We don't want haddock and chips, we want cod. In cod we trust." --Ghostigital, the pride of Iceland

by Cutthemullet on Dec 30, 2006 10:13 AM PST up reply actions

Yeah

How did you know that?

by Katie on Dec 30, 2006 10:18 AM PST up reply actions

haha

...because I've been around elderly people enough to know that they're all about using full/formal names. Plus, no one went by Katie back in the day.

"We don't want haddock and chips, we want cod. In cod we trust." --Ghostigital, the pride of Iceland

by Cutthemullet on Dec 30, 2006 10:34 AM PST up reply actions

True true

Its pretty funny, because I don't answer to Katherine, but thats how my grandmother insists on introducing me to her friends.

Nothing is as funny as when I have to explain that yes my hair is maroon, and I did it that way on purpose.

by Katie on Dec 30, 2006 10:51 AM PST up reply actions

lol

no, uh, I accidentally fell while painting, and I haven't washed my hair since...

"We don't want haddock and chips, we want cod. In cod we trust." --Ghostigital, the pride of Iceland

by Cutthemullet on Dec 30, 2006 11:11 AM PST up reply actions

I went golfing with my grandfather one time

and when his friend asked about it, I freaked out and pretended that it was a reaction from the pool or the salt in the Gulf. I thought my dad was going to beat me with a club.

by Katie on Dec 30, 2006 11:24 AM PST up reply actions

that's some really strong chlorine in that pool

"We don't want haddock and chips, we want cod. In cod we trust." --Ghostigital, the pride of Iceland

by Cutthemullet on Dec 30, 2006 11:40 AM PST up reply actions

Thats what I said!

The last time I went down, I had recolored my hair brown and I basically looked like a normal human being because I was looking at colleges on that trip. No one realized that I was the same person. It was so funny.

by Katie on Dec 30, 2006 1:29 PM PST up reply actions

<mind lands squarely in gutter>

Huh. I always thought that baseball's version of a home run is the motherf---ing home run itself. -FJM

by oblique on Dec 30, 2006 5:29 PM PST up reply actions

So what Dave Barry said is true?

Green light: Proceed

Yellow light: Proceed faster

Red light: Proceed while gesturing

"So, whatever, Ozzie." -- Nick Swisher

by FormerHuntsvilleStar on Dec 30, 2006 6:57 PM PST up reply actions

Exactly!

There is also the optional Stop sign.

If you want results, press the red button. The rest are useless.

by Katie on Dec 30, 2006 7:18 PM PST up reply actions

I'm not so sure about the normal in Berkeley part

I think you're just passing. While in Philly, though, the Rube Goldberg contraption at the art museum is a fun way to spend a few minutes catching your breath, after you've just done the Rocky-running-the-steps thing.

"Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?" --Johnny Rotten

by FreeSeatUpgrade on Dec 30, 2006 9:51 AM PST reply actions

I'm taking life strictly Pass/Fail,

so a C- don't bother me none.

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Dec 30, 2006 10:00 AM PST up reply actions

lol

Your relief at being back in your element is showing through today Nico...that comment wasn't the only one that prompted a "lol"

"We don't want haddock and chips, we want cod. In cod we trust." --Ghostigital, the pride of Iceland

by Cutthemullet on Dec 30, 2006 10:05 AM PST up reply actions

donner

I like to call restaurants and make a reservation for 'Donner party of 12- whoops- make that 11'.

by brothersky on Dec 30, 2006 2:11 PM PST up reply actions

I haven't seen the new one...

Can he even run the steps anymore, or does he collapse in exhaustion halfway through?

"We don't want haddock and chips, we want cod. In cod we trust." --Ghostigital, the pride of Iceland

by Cutthemullet on Dec 30, 2006 10:02 AM PST up reply actions

Ernest Hemingway would agree...

with your third sentence. He didn't like the waiting part a whole lot, though.

Not much love for Papa here, heh.

"We don't want haddock and chips, we want cod. In cod we trust." --Ghostigital, the pride of Iceland

by Cutthemullet on Dec 30, 2006 10:11 AM PST reply actions

ahaha :]

Show up at a grocery store late at night, possibly right before they close [[or at Safeway, which is open 24 hours]], dressed in ALL black [[shoes, shirt, hoodie, gloves, beanie, eyeblack]]. Proceed to buy massive amounts of toilet paper and forks. Be completely silent as you're buying everything.

If you get questioned, you respond, "Well, we ran out of forks for the chili and everyone seemed to have gotten diarrhea. You should REALLY watch out for that. You can die from it, you know. Have a nice night!"

"The separation between good and great is mental. It's about conviction. It's about commitment. I really believe that." --Barry Zito

by GreenNGoldGirl on Dec 30, 2006 10:22 AM PST reply actions

Ask them

where they keep Ted Williams' head.

by LawDaddy on Dec 30, 2006 11:14 AM PST reply actions

isn't that...

a better question for a trip to the Grand Canyon?

"We don't want haddock and chips, we want cod. In cod we trust." --Ghostigital, the pride of Iceland

by Cutthemullet on Dec 30, 2006 11:15 AM PST up reply actions

as far as the insane asylum goes...

I ask that question all the time. Just as a precaution.

"We don't want haddock and chips, we want cod. In cod we trust." --Ghostigital, the pride of Iceland

by Cutthemullet on Dec 30, 2006 11:14 AM PST reply actions

Didn't you ever listen to John Prine?

So if you're walkin down the streets some time,
spot some hollow ancient eyes,
please don't just pass em by and stare,
as if you didn't care,
say "Hello in there?"

by Zonis on Dec 30, 2006 12:58 PM PST reply actions

For young students,

if your ever in class and you are forced to tell a little about yourself, mention your move from Boston after you father was questioned as a suspect in the Boston Strangler case. Or you can make up a story about being hassled by investigators for years after you left San Francisco and the Zodiak killings stopped.

"You may glory in a team triumphant, but you fall in love with a team in defeat."--The Boys of Summer

by alox on Dec 30, 2006 3:54 PM PST reply actions

was in Florida once

and that was enough. Was there in late October, the bugs were big enough to carry away medium size children, and it was hot and humid. Played golf one day and they told us not to go after any balls hit in the water hazards because of the 'gators. I have dealt with rattle snakes on a golf course and I'll take those any time over 'gators. The only good thing was the filet mignon I had at Miami Joe's. Best I have ever had.

Baseball is life. . . at least that is what my sweatshirt says.

by 0R0H0E on Dec 30, 2006 7:20 PM PST reply actions

they have this stuff called alcohol

or in another form marijuana

by oakath on Dec 30, 2006 8:21 PM PST reply actions

My favorite is to

walk into a gun store and when the salesman asks if you need help, just look him in the eye and state in a stern tone that you are looking for something to teach somebody a lesson. Proceed with the transaction and when you are informed that there is a seven day waiting period, respond by saying you've been waiting to give this lesson for years. Then when it is explained that it is seven days from now for a background check, claim that the lesson recipient will be long gone by then. When the guy says sorry, it's the law - there's nothing I can do, let out a big sigh and say fine, can you please show me your knives?

by southofcruiseamerica on Dec 31, 2006 2:38 PM PST reply actions

Dude

I love, love, love Key West.

Went there a couple years back with the family.

Clubs on every corner playing live music, awesome weather( I was there late June)...

We did the jet skis around the island. Very cool - they take you out to a sand bar almost a mile off the coast where boats park and bbq.

I cannot even comprehend how you cannot love Key West. Shit, I want to retire there (if it was not for the hurricanes).

by easyraider on Dec 31, 2006 9:49 PM PST reply actions

I actually did like Key West.

I hated Key Colony Beach, 53 miles north--it's one of those man-made "communities" of condos and businesses and not much more.

Key West still ultimately would not be my cup of tea, partly because I need a much faster pace and partly because it literally was not my cup of tea: There is no loose-leaf tea to be found in all the Keys and I found that both astounding and upsetting. But then, tea is a big part of my life--along with baseball and farm animals.

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Dec 31, 2006 11:29 PM PST up reply actions

And while in Philly,

it's always fun to yell "GO PHILLIES!!!!" at the crazy drunken people breaking into "E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!!!" on the street at 2am.

Not that I wasn't just doing that, of course...

Marinerds - a different daily dose of baseblog.

by Deanna on Dec 31, 2006 11:43 PM PST reply actions

Speaking of Philly... hey change Fremont to..

Maybe Nico can be the qualified chairman (as a former resident of Philadelphia, PA) of the "Change Fremont's Name to Philadelphia, California" committee. Am I the only one who thinks this is the least painful and most pleasant solution to the dilemma of a stadium south of Oakland???

Nico, your travelogue of Key West and the "solutions" for boredom are, again, strokes of genius.

Sorry I dropped my moniker of "Ducts on the Pawn"...chalk it up to 'computer switching and electronic recalcitrance' . Blez told me a new name is the short-route solution....

Rename Fremont to Philadelphia, and all's well.

by One won lost won on Jan 1, 2007 9:52 AM PST up reply actions

Thanks, "User formerly known as Ducts"

I suppose the A's leave so many ducks on the pond that they often win one and lose one in any given 48 hour period, so there is some continuity in your user names...Happy New Year!

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Jan 1, 2007 10:49 AM PST up reply actions

Isn't continuity..

... the hobgoblin of small minds??!!

Indeed, Happy New Year!!

Yes, love of the English language, with all its confounding inconsistencies, is the real core of that self whose expression (or sign) manifests in my nom de athleticsnation.

I fail at finding the most embodying analogy when writing about your writing. But here is another attempt: I read those paragraphs you construct and I get that nice feeling, like the effect of warm water during one's shower. Further reading is invariably like increasing the proportion of hot water: always welcome and thoroughly enjoyed!

May your original writing pour upon the AthleticNation in 2007!

Hey! So Fremont... can it become Philadelphia, CA??

Rename Fremont to Philadelphia, and all's well.

by One won lost won on Jan 2, 2007 12:12 PM PST up reply actions

Tell ya what--

Fremont can become Philadelphia, CA so long as I get my coveted filly (PONY!!!).

Now go take a long shower in my words. :-}

I like Cindi. A. She never pretends to know more than she does. B. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her "Hotties," and isn't afraid to show it. -IM4Oakgal

by Nico on Jan 2, 2007 5:55 PM PST up reply actions