Facts about Billy Beane

by Tim J on Jan 18, 2006 10:30 AM PST

This thread is based on an email chain that's been flying around the internet for months now (about Chuck Norris). Hero worship regarding Billy Beane is nothing new on this site. Now it's time to have a little fun with it... feel free to play along.

The chief export of Billy Beane is wins

Billy Beane could assemble a division winner with $10 and a rack of PBR

Billy Beane doesn't "draft" players. He "blesses" them.

Billy Bean's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Billy Beane would have traded for Babe Ruth and prospects.

Billy Beane can divide by 0.

Billy Beane sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled General Manager ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Billy tricked the devil into trading him his soul back in exchange for Mark Teahan and Carlos Pena. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Eric Byrnes is Billy Beane's inner child come to life.

Billy Beane's favorite color is "Opposing GM Red" (the color of any GM's face mid season following a trade with Beane).

If Billy Beane had negotiated the Louisiana Purchase he would have received the French territory of Lousiniana, the French Riviera, and the rights to French toast and French fries.

Q: In a fight between God and Beane, who would win?
A: Trick Question: Beane is God

In grade school Billy Beane once traded Brian Sabean a bag of brussel sprouts for the rights to his next 5 lunches after convincing Sabean to adopt an "eat now" philosophy.

If Beane were in Abe Lincoln's shoes, John Wilkes Booth would have given him his wallet, the deed to his house, and then turned himself in.

In 1975, a sexually frustrated Billy Beane molested a cup of New England Clam Chowder. 9 months later, Theo Epstein was born.

Billy Beane has purposefully thrown the last 4 playoff series in order to buy him time to stockpile all the crow he plans to serve to his nay-sayers.

Billy Beane would agree this joke is getting old... but would have fun with it anyway.

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Comments

Ripoff

These were ripped off from Chuck Norris. I wouldn't stand anywhere near a plate glass window because sometime in the near future Chuck Norris is going to come flying at you with a roundhouse kick to the face.

Green eyes come from yellow flecks of fatty pigment on a dark background. Some men think a green-eyed woman is exotic. The truth is she's got fat eyes.

by Furious George on Jan 18, 2006 10:38 AM PST reply actions

I thought that was obvious

Some are original.
Some are CN-inspired with a Billy twist.
Some are blatant rip-offs.

Please don't turn this into a CN thread... come up with some new Billy-isms.

RFB

by Tim J on Jan 18, 2006 10:57 AM PST up reply actions

Yeah ...

I was just about to say, Billy Beane sounds an awful lot like Chuck Norris ...

Check out some awesome music ...

by devo on Jan 18, 2006 11:17 AM PST up reply actions

hehe

These are good and entertaining.

RIP Bill King "By the Beard of Zeus!" "I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand"

by ohad on Jan 18, 2006 10:50 AM PST reply actions

Billy Beane is invisible......and he can fly...

I've seen it.

Simming Offseason.....

by robber23 on Jan 18, 2006 11:04 AM PST reply actions

If Billy Beane

was ever sexually frustrated, he's clearly not half the man that Chuck Norris is.

Check out some awesome music ...

by devo on Jan 18, 2006 11:19 AM PST reply actions

Is it possible not to be sexually frustrated

in Boston, though?

Knowledge is Power, Ignorance is Bliss. But I have Blissful Power, because I have a lot of knowledge, I just forgot it all!

by Zonis on Jan 18, 2006 11:37 AM PST up reply actions

It is for Chuck Norris

Check out some awesome music ...

by devo on Jan 18, 2006 12:58 PM PST up reply actions

Here's one I'll steal from...

George Carlin.

If Billy Beane is all powerful, can he make a chair so big that he himself can't throw it?

"HRs by second basemen are sexy. They're rare and exotic." -Kyli

by McFood on Jan 18, 2006 11:45 AM PST reply actions

And to steal from the simpsons

Could Billy Beane microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?

Green eyes come from yellow flecks of fatty pigment on a dark background. Some men think a green-eyed woman is exotic. The truth is she's got fat eyes.

by Furious George on Jan 18, 2006 12:09 PM PST up reply actions

HAH! good one.

Simming Offseason.....

by robber23 on Jan 18, 2006 8:59 PM PST up reply actions

When BB throws a chair...

it stays throwed.

(I know, it just sounds better to me than "thrown", for some reason)

by Brian in 317 on Jan 18, 2006 12:33 PM PST reply actions

This reminds me of

of the Ultimate Showdown!

Knowledge is Power, Ignorance is Bliss. But I have Blissful Power, because I have a lot of knowledge, I just forgot it all!

by Zonis on Jan 18, 2006 12:51 PM PST reply actions

That was freakin' AWESOME!

Did you find that on b3ta.com?

"HRs by second basemen are sexy. They're rare and exotic." -Kyli

by McFood on Jan 18, 2006 1:35 PM PST up reply actions

no, through 4chan

but its also easily found by simply searching for "Ultimate Showdown" on google.

Knowledge is Power, Ignorance is Bliss. But I have Blissful Power, because I have a lot of knowledge, I just forgot it all!

by Zonis on Jan 18, 2006 7:35 PM PST up reply actions

Blez's Superfans?

This Beane idolatry reminds me of the Superfans bit they used to have on Saturday Night Live featuring guys with heavy Chicago accents who worshipped then-Bears' coach Mike Ditka.

"Da A's!"

insert joke about Billy Beane winning the Indy 500 driving the A's Team Bus

"The bigger the game, the better he pitched."

by Catfish27 on Jan 18, 2006 9:05 PM PST reply actions

a's superfans

"Who would win in a fight? Reggie Jackson or a hurricane?"

"Easy. Reggie Jackson."

"But... what if the hurricane were named 'Beane'?"

"Hmm..."

by blasefaire on Jan 19, 2006 11:05 AM PST up reply actions

<dons hula skirt, begins to gyrate>

"Daaaaaaaaaaah A's, Dah A's, Dah A's, Dah A's, Dah A's..."

RFB

by Tim J on Jan 19, 2006 12:31 PM PST up reply actions

To Billy Beane!

He sweats Gatorade.

His poop is used as currency in Argentina.

He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards

He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.

One time I was with Billy in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Billy goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Billy Beane! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billybeane' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'

I once saw him scissor kick Bud Selig.

2nd favorite team: WHOEVER IS PLAYING THE GIANTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by ConcordFanSince1968 on Jan 19, 2006 8:00 AM PST reply actions

Those are great.

"HRs by second basemen are sexy. They're rare and exotic." -Kyli

by McFood on Jan 19, 2006 8:36 AM PST up reply actions

Billy B

That's Bill Braskey, right?

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Billy Beane's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"

"They use Beane's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."

"He breastfeeds John Madden."

Green eyes come from yellow flecks of fatty pigment on a dark background. Some men think a green-eyed woman is exotic. The truth is she's got fat eyes.

by Furious George on Jan 19, 2006 10:04 AM PST up reply actions