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A Dishonest and Unfair Assessment of this team

(A tip of the cap to Oaktoon for the idea)

> Kendall is 5 ABs away from the glue factory

> Johnson is Hatteberg without the power

> Second Base is a committee of nice stories who aren't getting better

> Crosby is going to wake up and have a Kafkaesque metamorphosis into Jose Hernandez

> Chavvy will demand a trade

> Swisher is taking defense lessons from Byrnes

> Kotsay is going to the Yanks for several free subscriptions to the YES Network and the rights to Hideki Irabu

> Byrnes is a border collie -- no, wait, too smart, make that a beagle -- in human form

> Kielty doesn't hit for enough power to justify his hair

> The SPs are going to get hurt

> The RPs are going to get hurt

> BB has never accounted for his wherabouts on the day that John Lennon was shot

> Paul DePodesta was the real brains of the operation

> They're not going to win as many games this year as they have right now

> We're all doomed, doomed, DOOMED I tell you, DOOMED

> Nevada is going to steal our team away with visions of showgirls, Yucca Mountain nuclear waste, and the promise of money on the side at the Lucky Stud Ranch for Adam Melhuse

> Hank Greenwalt will speak at your funeral ("Well, he's dead. Yep.... Sure dead. Where's my check again?")

> In an effort to make the A's lose like in the film "Major League", Lew Wolff will bring back F.P. Santagelo to hit clean-up and play center field

> Going to the Coliseum can give you herpes, negatively impact your credit rating, and prevent you from getting promoted at work

> Robert Buan is secretly out to get you

> It's all Macha's fault

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