(Off) Season's Greetings From AN

here's some more of my favorites:

"I lost a button hole.  where am I going to get a button hole?"

"My uncle was a clown in the Ringling Brothers circus and when he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

"When I was little in our backyard we had a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually."

"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It came in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again".

"One night I came home very late, it was the next night."

"I bought some unscented perfume.  it came in a little empty bottle."

"I was walking down the street and saw a man with wooden legs and real feet".

"I have a map of the United States, its actually size.  It says 1 mile = I mile.  Last week I folded it."

"Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID he just took out a quarter?"

"Snakes have no arms that's why they don't wear vests".

"I didn't have a toy train I had a toy subway".

"I like to skate on the other side of the ice".

"I like to fill up my tub, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit."

"My girlfriend hates it when we take a bath together and I practice skipping rocks.  Now she sits down at the same end as me. Its not as fun."

"One time right in the middle of a job interview I took out a book and started reading.  The man said, "what the hell are you doing?"  I said "let me ask you one question; if you were in a car traveling at the speed of light, and then turns your lights on, would they do anything?"  the man said, "I don't know".  I said, "forget it then, I don't want to work for you."

"My grandfather was on the first submarine in the world.  Instead of a periscope they had a kaleidiscope.  He said, "My God, we're surrounded!"

I went to a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me 'cause she asked how I'd like my eggs. So I tried answering her anyways. "INCUBATED! Then hatched, then raised, then beheaded, then plucked, then cut up, then put onto a grill, then put onto a bun. ...., it's gonna take a while. I don't have the time. Scrambled!

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D... for doughnut"