How the 'Stache Stole Christmas

Every Fan down in Beane-ville
Liked Christmas a lot...
But the 'Stache, who lived just West of Beane-ville

The 'Stache hated Christmas
The whole Christmas season
Also known as Ray Ratto
He resisted all reason
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right
It could be, perhaps, that his prose lacked much bite
But I think that the most likely cause of his pain
May have been that his humor was overly strained

But whatever the reason, his head or his jokes
He stood there on Christmas Eve hating A's folks
Staring down from his tower at 5th Street and Mission
At the fans' jubilation from their last acquisition
For he knew every one of those grinning A's fools
Was busy now clearing late October schedules

"And they're purchasing jerseys!" he snarled with a sneer
"Loaiza and Bradley for Christmas this year!"
And then the 'Stache growled through his walrus namesake
"These A's Christmas spirits I'll assuredly break!"
For he knew that the Beane-ville roster in fact
Had vastly outclassed his fave Orange and Black
And then! Oh the whines! Oh the whines! Whines! Whines! Whines!
He'd soon lead the chorus of Some Phone Co. Whines!

On the whines of the 'Stache would the Beane-ville folk feast
And they'd feast!  And they'd feast!
And they'd Feast! Feast! Feast! Feast!
They'd feast on the pitching West Central and East!
Which was something the 'Stache couldn't stand in the least

And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every fan down in Beane-ville, the tall and the small
Would stand close together, with Christmas joy flying
They'd traipse to box office and tickets start buying!
They'd buy! And they'd buy!
And they'd buy! Buy! Buy! Buy!
And the more the 'Stache thought of this Christmas seat buy
The more the 'Stache thought "I must stop that Beane guy!"
"Why for almost ten years I've put up with him now!
I must stop Beane Christmas from coming
...But how?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
The 'Stache got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what I'll do" as he nipped from his flask-y
"I'll enlist that old no-nothing Iron Bill Plaschke
We can denigrate Beane-ville with classic smug banter
Plus a red coat and hat, and I'll look just like Sant-er!"

"All I need is a parrot..."
The 'Stache looked around
But since parrots are scarce he instead chose a hound
Old Predictable Morgan
Growing long in the tooth
Was a sure bet to urge steals and bunts from the booth!
Saying Bradley and Kotsay would just up and die
If told to restrain first base urges to fly.

Then the 'Stache loaded bags
And his slanderous tools
Bound for historic stable
Of Charlie-O's mules
Then the 'Stache said "Giddyap!"
And his sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the fans
Lay a-snooze in Beane-town

All their windows were dark, quiet fog 'oer the glade
As the fans were all dreaming World Series parade
When he came to the clubhouse that Billy Beane made
"It's the primary target" the old 'Stache-y Claus hissed
And he climbed up concrete steps with roster hit list

Then he squeezed through the chain link, a bit of a mash
But if Santa could do it then so could the 'Stache
He got stuck only once while he paused there to pout
But then quickly slipped through to the third base dugout
Where the now deep and threatening lineup was posted
"This A's plan," he gasped, "will soon badly be roasted!"

The he slithered and slunk in his well-practiced fashion
The roster was trashed by this character assassin
"Crosby's a fluke, and so's Melhuse and Ellis"
He defamed each and every one of the fellas!
And he stuffed them in bags, then the 'Stache quick as blinking
Stuffed all the bags one by one through chain-linking

Then he slunk to the bullpen and let forth a bleat
He dissed Justin Duchscherer.  He dissed Huston Street!
He sullied the complete relief pitcher barrow
Why, the 'Stache even heaped scorn on Kiko Calero!

He sullied the names of the Gold and the Green
"And NOW" grinned the 'Stache, "I'll lambaste Billy Beane!"
And the 'Stache grabbed his pen and prepared yet more libel
When he heard a small sound both innocent and tribal
He turned around fast, and he saw a fan who
Called herself Green and Gold Girl, not yet twenty-two

The 'Stache had been caught by this fan who remembered
To visit the park even in cold December!
She stared at the 'Stache and said "Santy Claus, why?
Why are you blasting our favorite team? Why?"

But you know, that old 'Stache was so wed to his slime
He developed a lie that could cover his crime
"Why my sweet loyal girl" the fake Santy Claus lied,
 "Billy Beane simply strained his old left oblique side.
So I'm taking him to Larry Davis, my dear
Who will stretch him out then bring him right on back here."

And his fib fooled the fan on the cool infield dirt
So he sent her to bed with a new Zito shirt
And with Green and Gold Girl's thoughts on Barry (more pleasant)
He drew back his pen and called Beane just a peasant
Then the last thing he slammed were jerseys on the wall
Eck Hunter and Jackson, to hell with the Hall
For it's easier always to bitch than to ball
And the one shred of credence
He left, that old dick
Was a plaudit much too small for Jay Witasick

Then he did the same thing to the front office party
Not just Beane but Paul dePo and JP Ricardi

It was quarter past dawn, all the fans still a-bed
All the A's still a-snooze, when he packed up his sled
Packed it up with their starters! The hopes they would foster!
The bench and the bullpen, the whole goddamn roster!

Three hundred feet up!  Up the side of Mount Davis!
He wickedly figured that no one could save us!
"Pooh pooh to the fans!" he was 'Stache-ishly humming
"They're finding out now that no pennants are coming!
They're just waking up...I know just what they'll do.
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then the fans down in Beane-ville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"

"That's a noise," grinned the 'Stache, "that I simply must hear!"
So he paused, and the 'Stache put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound which began as a hum
Joined quickly by horns and left field bleacher drums
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it was merry...very!

He stared down at Beane-ville...the 'Stache popped his eyes!
Then he shook as he realized his slanders were lies!
Every fan down in Beane-ville, the tall and the small
Was cheering and thought of his words not at all!
He hadn't stopped Christmas from came!
Somehow or other, it came just the same

And 'Stache with his orthodoxy near in tatters
Stood wondering if ever he'd grasped these A's matters
"And what of Bill Plaschke?  And what of Joe Morgan?
Have I always just been an obnoxious house organ?"
And he puzzled for hours of impending disgraces
Then the 'Stache re-assessed the old game and his places
"Maybe winning takes more than just 'The Good Faces'
Maybe finding good value can win pennant races!"

And what happened then?  In Beane-ville they surmise
That at last the 'Stache removed blinders from his eyes
And the minute his sight was relieved by the medics
He finally understood Oakland Athletics
He asked mercy from those whom his words did degrade
And he...he himself...
Led the World Series parade!

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