Sneak Peek at A's New Year's Resolutions

People often write to me and ask, "Do you know Barry Zito?" or "Can you connect me with Billy Beane?"

I decided that instead of sending you to jam on stage with Zito or work the phones with Beane, I'd share the A's 2005 Resolutions.  Yeah, I know, you can thank me later.

• Barry Zito:  Zito's resolution is simple.  Barry has decided to pitch like it's 2002 all over again.  Oh, and to torture Haren, Meyer and Blanton as much as humanly possible with rookie hazings.
• Eric Chavez: Chavez has decided to give up all at-bats against Damaso Marte.  It's a huge sacrifice on his part given his new-found success against lefties, but it'll help the team in 05.
• Bobby Kielty: Kielty will give up switch-hitting in 2005 and stick with batting right.
• Erubiel Durazo: Durazo vowed to bring his Tampa Bay heckler on the road with him in 2005, which will likely make him hit a record 162 home runs this upcoming year. He'll also only hit himself in the helmet with his bat after striking out, which would cut down signicantly on his bat-to-the-head ratio (he led the league-after ground outs, fly outs, whatever).
• Scott Hatteberg: Hatteberg has given up dressing metrosexual since that is soooo 2004.
• Keith Ginter: Ginter promised to make an extra special effort to say his prayers of thanks every night for escaping the mess that is the Milwaukee Brewers.
• Mark Ellis: Ellis will wear Master Chief-style armor every time he steps on a field with Bobby Crosby.
• Bobby Crosby: Crosby has sworn to only destroy one Athletic this spring training, cutting his past track record in half.
• Nick Swisher: Swisher promises to do his best to help validate some of the Moneyball draft class of 2002.
• Marco Scutaro: Scoot has resolved to check AN during games, occasionally starting his own jolly game of Marco...Scutaro!
• Eric Byrnes: Byrnes swears that in 2005, he will only drink three shots of espresso prior to game time, as opposed to his original six.  But after first pitch, all bets are off.  He also promises to only swing at 200 sliders away in 05, cutting the 04 number in half.
• Charles Thomas: Thomas has resolved to prove that he is the Thomas of the 04 regular season and not the 04 postseason.  
• Kiko Colero: Colero has promised to bus in the drummers to every game so they can resurrect a certain chant for a certain 2002 MVP, but replacing the name Tejada with Colero.
• Juan Cruz: Cruz vows that he will never remind any A's fan of Jim Mecir in 2005.
• Octavio Dotel: Dotel resolves to throw his great slider and not just rely on the fastball.
• Jason Kendall: Kendall promises that he will do his best to work with Hudson, Muld...oh wait. Kendall also says that he won't mistake Ken Macha for Lloyd McClendon.
• Adam Melhuse: Melhuse resolves to help the ground crew in between innings with the infield dirt, since that will likely be about as often as he gets to see the field with Kendall in the mix.
• Danny Haren, Dan Meyer and Rich Harden: These three have made a collective resolution to try and cause sports writers as many typos as possible in 05.  What do you think the over/under is for people calling Harden, Haren and Danny, Dan?  I'd say at least 20 times.
• Joe Blanton: Blanton promises to be compared to average in 2005 to make the headline writers' jobs easier.  You not, Not-So-Average Joe Stellar in A's Win.  Or Below-Average Joe Gets Pounded in A's Loss.
• Ricardo Rincon and Chad Bradford: Rincon and Bradford resolve to pitch better in 2005, helping solidify a truly shaky 04 pen.
• Huston Street: First of all, Huston resolves not to get too upset with the inevitable misspellings of his name as "Houston" over and over and over again.  He also forgives in advance the dreaded headline writers who will inevitably use the "Easy Street: A's Reliever Picks Up First Big League Win."
• Mark Kotsay: Kotsay doesn't need to resolve to do anything in 2005...he was perfect in 2004.
• Ken Macha: Macha has vowed to get thrown out of at least one game in 05, thereby surpassing any previous career mark for the A's skipper.
• Billy Beane: Beane has resolved that the A's will be competitive long past the coming year...which is why he's already taken care of his 2005 resolution.
• AN: We must resolve here and now to support our A's through what might be a tougher season than what we originally thought...and not to run out and purchase a Braves or Cardinals cap no matter what our emotional attachment might have been.